


If I Asked The Moon About You

by JoyGallagher



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Dead Poets Society - Freeform, Gay, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, MalexMale, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:28:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 50,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28558338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyGallagher/pseuds/JoyGallagher
Summary: Neil often forgot that his friends cared about him. It's not that he didn't believe that they liked him, he just forgot that they might care as much about him as he does them. Probably, even more so. So when they throw a surprised birthday party for him during one of their meetings, Neil is more than shocked. However, the real surprise isn't the party, but the aftermath
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet, Steven Meeks/Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 51
Kudos: 93





	1. Chapter One; Charlie Dalton Can't Keep A Secret

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic about DPS, but I've read a few and watched the movie more times to count, so hopefully, that is enough experience to write a fairly decent one. I hope you enjoy it!!!!!

Neil knew something was up. He wasn't one to follow natural intuition but when it was backed up by evidence this strong, it was impossible to ignore. If it wasn't the fact his friends were tiptoeing around him, or that Knox had been keeping Charlie as far away from him as possible, then it was that Todd hadn't stopped pacing the floor since they got back from dinner. Every time Neil asked him what was wrong, Todd glanced at him and shrugged him off with a quiet "nothing" or an "I promise, I'm fine", but no matter what he said to try and silence Neil's concern, it wasn't working. As Todd turned to take another stroll down the centre of their beds, Neil interrupted him with a worried voice. 

"Todd? Come on, _tell me_ , what's wrong?" Todd faltered in his steps, ready to answer with another one of his rehearsed lines, but when he looked up at Neil's face and saw that he wasn't going to accept it, he paused. 

"I... I-Uhm... Nothing's _wrong_. I've just got some stuff on my mind right now. Y'know, s-school and h-home. But I'm okay, honestly." It wasn't unusual for Todd to be stressed out by things at home, even if he hadn't visited them or heard from them. The constant reminder of his brother; in the dorms, the classrooms, the hallways, it was enough to stress him out. He often wondered if they were thinking about him while he was here, if they were proud of him for not asking to leave yet or if they were just happy that he was doing well. But he seriously doubted it. All they probably cared about was why he hadn't won any awards yet or done anything like Jeffrey had. He had a lot to live up to and he shouldn't forget that. 

He wasn't actually thinking about home though. Nor was he thinking about school. He was thinking about Neil's 18th Birthday Party. It was that night, in the woods, at the Dead Poets meeting. Charlie had come up with the idea, probably because it came with the excuse to drink, but they had all agreed that it was the best thing to do for their favourite poet. Meeks, being arguably the most organised out of the group, had assigned jobs equally between the six. Charlie was in charge of keeping his mouth shut and not telling Neil, Knox was in charge of making sure Charlie did his job, Pitts was in charge of decorations, Cameron was in charge of finding a cake, Meeks was making the playlist and Todd- Todd had the hardest job of all; getting Neil to arrive at the meeting _late_. 

He had argued it at first, pleading them to swap jobs with him or rethink the plan, but nobody budged. Not only was Todd Neil's roommate, but he was the only one Neil would listen to. It was the first time Todd cursed the bond he had made with the tall boy, rethinking all of his attempts to get closer with him and cursing his need to befriend him. If Neil hadn't been so goddamn lovable then he would have been able to avoid this situation altogether, now he had to perform the impossible. 

How could he prevent Neil from the thing he loved? The boy was always the first one there, either on time or early, he was just too excited for the meeting to commence and for all of the poetry to hit his welcoming ears. There was no way Todd could execute this without doing the unspeakable. He had thought it over and over before concluding that this was the answer. There was only one thing that could make Neil late. He was going to make a move. 

"N-Neil." His cheeks already blushed, his act already faltering, his brain already fumbling for another thing to say. He was so bad at this, he was still bewildered that Meeks trusted him to do this job. 

"Uh-huh." _Oh, God_. 

"I... I was just wondering i-if... if we could wait for a little before going to the uhm... meeting tonight?" Jesus Todd, is there anything you _can_ do? 

"Why? I thought you liked going to the meetings? You're not worried about speaking again, are you? Honestly, the guys don't mind if you don't speak, they don't even notice." There it was, Neil being Neil. The over-caring, soft, loving boy that Todd just couldn't lie to, even if it was for a good reason. He took a deep breath, avoiding Neil's big, pleading eyes and cleared his throat to ease out the fibs. 

"It's not... it's not that I'm nervous about going, I just..." Todd couldn't speak. In the time it had taken him to come up with what to say and looking at Neil again, the boys face had changed. Instead of pleading, his eyes carried a sad confusion. The kind of look that made Todd think that Neil was taking this personally. Did Todd not want to go to the meeting because of Neil? Did he do something? Was he too touchy, too close? He knew he was too much for the boy but he thought it was getting better. Obviously not. 

"Is it something I've done?" Todd's face shot up as if he had heard the most absurd thing, his eyes never leaving Neil's lips as he assured him that it was nothing of the sort. How could Neil ever do anything that would upset Todd? It was impossible. 

"No! No, not at all! I-I just would like to sit down for a-a bit longer, if that's okay? I'm too tired today to walk with the rest of the group, s-sorry." Just as there was nothing Neil could do to upset Todd, there was nothing Todd could do that would upset Neil. They were just too suited, too emotionally aware of the other boy; upsetting the other would mean upsetting themselves even more. But, just as the other Poets had predicted, Neil listened to Todd. It seemed tonight, Neil would arrive late to the meeting, something he hadn't even considered before, and all because he had a soft spot for a certain dirty blonde. 

* * *

The poets gathered in the cave, all of them except Anderson and Perry, arguing over where the '18' balloon should go. Meeks and Pitts were arguing that it should stand in the middle of the cave, greeting Perry first as he walked in. Knox and Charlie said it should be at the entrance if Meeks and Pitts wanted him to know that they were celebrating his birthday before meeting the rest of the poets, a point that Meeks adopted quickly after hearing. Cameron, always the quickest to stray the furthest from the group, argued that they should greet him first before coming clean about the party. 

"Well then, where do you want it to go, Cameron?" Charlie breathed out, it took him enough energy to speak to the boy, let alone argue with him. His mind was already made up that the balloon was going outside, 3 against 2, a clear majority. But Knox was willing to listen to Cameron, so he should try it too. 

"Well, _Nuwanda_ , I was thinking that we should put it in between the other decorations... y'know, balance it out? It would look better there anyway!" There were a few grumbled agreements, much to Charlie's dismay, but his mind was buttered up with Cameron's name choice- inside it was. 

The six of them were useless at this sort of thing, even with Meeks' ability at organising, but the cave looked as good as it could. Cameron had produced a sufficient amount of food, Pitts had done his best at decorating the cave with the limited money they had managed to gather together, Charlie had provided an obscene quantity of alcohol ( god knows where he got it from, but nobody dared to ask) and Knox had performed excellently at preventing Charlie from spilling the secret party to Neil. There was one issue, the playlist. Meeks had a brilliant line-up, a mix of old and new, something to please all ears within the cave- but they had nowhere to play it. With the money they had, they could barely afford the decorations and if Charlie hadn't blown his allowance, they would have been fine, but sadly, Charlie had no self-control. So, they searched for a plan B, something to suffice their loss of music. They searched and searched and searched until the obvious jumped up and hit them in the eye. Who was the answer to all of their issues? Mr Keating. 

There was one issue, though. Mr Keating wasn't exactly _modern_. But they didn't mind. They borrowed his record player with a choir of "thank you"s and "we owe you" and took the best of the best records from his small collection. There was nothing else to do now, other than wait for the Birthday boy himself. 

* * *

"Can we go now?" Todd eyed up the watch on his wrist. _'Ten more minutes Neil, please'_. He answered him with a shake of his head, replied for with a groan from Neil's lips. This was like hell for him. Not only had he waited an entire week for this meeting but he had just found this new, wonderful poem by Thoreau- how was he going to be able to show it if he was _this_ late? He loved Todd, but not enough to wait- he was going to that meeting. 

"No, Todd, I'm going now. I know you're tired but you're only going to get more tired and tired-er and tired-er. Why wait? _Carpe Diem_ !" Todd's head shot up. _Oh no_. Charlie was going to kill him, he said to keep Neil till half-past! What did he do now? Neil was grabbing his jacket from the door, wrapping himself up with his scarf, putting on his shoes. 

He started to walk closer to Todd, his hand reaching Todd’s desk set with his head leaning over the other boy with a challenging-but-friendly grin. He grabbed ahold of the torch on his desk, he was ready to go. He slowly turned away from his shy roommate, walking towards the door with a smug, all-knowing smile. As he placed his hand on the brass handle, he heard a squeak leave Todd’s mouth. 

"Wait, wait Neil!" Just as he had expected. In the little time that Neil had known Todd, he had become very used to the fact that Todd hated to be left out of meetings if he knew Neil was going. It was the only thing that Todd wanted to be a part of, and Neil was going to take advantage of that fact whenever possible. 

"Come on Todd, I'm going with or without you." _For God sake, did anyone in this group listen to him?_

"Fine." With shaking legs, Todd stood and grabbed his coat, trying to look as confident as he possibly could whilst trying to silence the fear inside of him. He had ten minutes of walking with Neil when he had to ignore or deflect every advance on the plan that Neil tried to make- this was going to be hell. 

* * *

Todd walked a half-step behind Neil as he watched the boy getting closer and closer to the cave. His heartbeat grew with every crunch of the leaves under his feet, his heart in his throat as Neil continually asked him why he was so quiet or why he was so nervous. Todd, so far, was doing a very good job, such a good job, in fact, that the other poets should consider giving him a reward for his valiant contributions to the plan. However, it was all about to go downhill. 

As much as Todd was quiet, he was also bad at reading social queues. Neil didn't want him to talk because he wanted him to come clean about the group plan, he wanted to speak to Todd so he could reassure himself that this wasn't his fault. No matter what convincing Todd had given him in the dorm, his mind was still set on the fact that Neil was the issue with the meetings that Todd so desperately wanted to avoid. Even after he had managed to get the smaller out of the dorm, he was being as removed as possible. He hadn’t even mentioned the wonder that was the beautiful sky above them. He hadn’t even mentioned the fact that he was wearing Neil’s coat due to the rushed manner that Neil had forced him to leave. He hadn’t even picked up on the fact that it was Neil’s birthday. 

"I think... I think I'll just go back to the dorm." Neil stuttered, his usual confident self, shrinking into the background to let his anxiousness peak through. There was an unbearable feeling settling in his stomach, fear or worry so uncomfortable that he couldn’t stand straight. Todd stood still, alerted by the unthinkable words that just exited the boy's mouth, he hadn’t considered Neil thinking about this alternative. He thought by this point the plan was pretty obvious. Turns out Neil may be smart on paper, but he’s not actually that switched on in real life. 

"What! No, Neil, look... we- we're almost there!" His words didn't persuade Neil, instead, driving him to walk in the opposite direction back to Hellton. That couldn’t happen. Not with all that Todd had surrendered for this to work. With a swift, overly-confident seize, Todd had Neil's coat arm in his hand, pulling him towards the cave. 

"Todd, please, just let me go back. I thought you were tired." 

"How can I be tired when you've made me walk out here in the cold? I'm wide awake, _see_? I might even read a poem, you never know!" With that, Todd pulled the boy into the entrance of the cave, his back facing the five boys inside with happy grins painting their faces. With the thought of him reading a poem to the other poets, his face lightened with pride at Todd's new wave of confidence. With the feeling filling his body and flushing his cheeks, Neil turned around to the sight of the century- his five other best friends with Cheshire grins and an array of birthday balloons. He surely has the best friends on the planet. 

* * *

"What-what is this?" Neil spilt from his twitching smile, he was trying his hardest not to cry at the surprising efforts, nobody had taken anything of his this seriously before. Charlie rolled his eyes, cheekily, as he grabbed Neil by the arm and pulled him into the centre of the cave. 

"This, my friend, is the party of your life. We figured, with it being your 18th and all, that we would celebrate in the most poet way possible. Not only are we eating cake and reading poetry- No, no, no- we're eating cake, reading poetry _and_ getting drunk. What else could you ask for?" Charlie sold the idea with a wave of his hands, presenting the decorated cave to the birthday boy with pride covering his face. 

"I- I can't... You know you didn't have to guys, I really could have just had a meeting tonight, that would have been more than enough." He was replied immediately by a chorus of denial as the boys reassured him of his worthiness for this party. They knew he wouldn't have expected this, what with all his family has ever done for him and all, but they had made it their duty to make sure he experienced what a birthday _should_ be like. 

"Neil, there's nothing on this planet that any of us wouldn't do for you, you should know that by now. Plus, it gave Charlie an excuse to get drunk, that's a form of entertainment that I think we all deserve." Meeks was right, drunk Charlie was the best Charlie. If anyone thought sober Charlie was a loud, sarcastic mess then they should see Drunk Charlie. It was like someone had pressed his crazy switch, his natural inclination to be a lunatic suddenly transformed into a desire for dancing with strangers or freestyle rapping, it was art in its best form. 

The party started. The cake was cut, the music playing (even if it was Bach), the poems were flowing from the mouths of every poet who had a poem to share and the alcohol had started to meet their lips, much to Cameron's dismay. The night was full of surprises; Meeks sitting so close to Pitts that he might as well have been on top of him, Knox announcing that he had fallen out of love with Chris (although, that was probably the alcohol speaking) and Todd, oh innocent Todd, drinking the most out of all of the boys. However, there was a bigger surprise to come. Nobody could provide Charlie Dalton with beer and expect him not to cause a raucous- so whatever Todd expected when he gave him Tequila, was not what happened. 

Somewhere in between Todd putting his head beside Neil's knee on the step and Charlie forcing Pitt's to dance, Charlie asked something that would change the dynamic forever. 

"Wait... Wait! So, did Todd tell you?" The silence in the cave was deafening in Todd's ear, his head snapped up at the question, the blood rushing to his cheeks in realisation. 

"What do you mean "did he tell me"? What does he have to tell me? Todd?" Neil perked up, his face covered with confusion. Todd's head swirled with an excuse or something that would feed Neil's curiosity. There was nothing, 

"It's nothing, Neil, I... I just... It's nothing, okay?" 

"I wouldn't say it's nothing Todd, it's a pretty big deal." If this entire situation wasn’t enough to give Todd nightmares, then Charlie and his shit-eating grin would haunt Todd's dreams for the rest of eternity, that was for sure. 

"What do you mean, Charlie?" Neil's curiosity getting the better of him, his pounding heart causing his words to come out with a shaky undertone. What if he was right and Todd did want to leave? What if he was the reason Todd wanted to leave and that was what he wanted to tell him? It was a pretty big deal if Todd wanted to leave, what would Neil do with himself? Wallow in sadness? Sounds about right. He just had to hope and pray it wasn't that. 

"It was his plan to making you late for the meeting so we could get set up," Charlie halted at the sight of the other poets' faces, all of them screaming at him to just shut up for once and forget about what he was about to say, but the alcohol allowed him to carry on, the words flowing out with ease. "He was going to tell you about his feelings, Neil, for you." If Todd thought the cave couldn’t get any quieter, he was wrong, it was now _too_ quiet. 


	2. Chapter Two; You and Me? We're Fighting the Same War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Charlie realises that he may have over-done it last night and Todd wakes up on the 'wrong side of the bed'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a question for those reading, do we think Cameron is blonde or ginger? Because I'm not sure, I think it depends on lighting- give me your verdicts!!!!

The cave hadn't been this silent since Charlie had admitted his publication of the article. In fact, this was probably a new record for how quiet the boys could be. It was the type of quiet that teachers beg for, the quiet that arises in public when something awkward happens, maybe even the type of quiet that blankets the room when you talk about politics at the family dinner table. Whatever it was, it was stabbing Todd in the heart and he did _not_ like it. How did Charlie not realise that what he was doing was wrong? He must have known how wrong that was, even if he was mildly intoxicated. He would say he was angry, but Todd couldn't be if he knew that it was true- he did plan on telling Neil and he had shared that information with Charlie. That was probably his first and worst mistake. But it wasn't Charlie's fault that he had assumed Todd had told Neil, he was right to expect that that was what had kept Neil in the dorm for so long. No matter which way Todd looked at it, the only person to _really_ blame, was himself. 

"Todd... what does he mean _feelings_ ?" That question, that dreaded, _dreaded_ question. He did know what Charlie had meant, he knew exactly what he meant and he did not doubt that Neil also knew. He may be slightly on the dumber side but god, Neil wasn't oblivious. It's just- how was Todd meant to say this? How does he admit his feelings to his best friend in front of all of his _only_ friends? Was this what people meant by killing two birds with one stone? To lose every chance he had with Neil along with all of his friends in one sitting, this must really be the epitome of that saying. 

"I- I... " _Think about_ _it_ _Todd, lying is much better than admitting the truth, even you know that_ , "it's nothing, Neil. I... I wanted to write a poem about h-how I feel about you... a-as, my best-b-best friend... it was just to show a-appreciation for all y-you've done for me." That was the first time Todd had properly lied to Neil, other than having to keep him in the dorm before the party, and he hoped it was the last. In fact, he’d do anything to not lie to Neil again, just to avoid the pang of self-hatred that stirred up in his gut. Todd scanned the faces that surrounded the pair, taking in the mixture of shocked and stunned faces. He had to admit, even if he was ashamed of the overall action, that was the most flawless on-the-spot lying that Todd had ever done- he was guiltily proud. Charlie's face was one of confusion. Had he heard Todd when he confessed his feelings for Neil that one time? Had he misread the signs? Misheard his plan for the party? It was all too confusing for him and his tipsy-ness. 

"Are you sure?" Neil softly whispered, the rest of the poets rushing to get back to drinking and eating the cake. If the cave was a mess with the drunken Charlie dancing in the centre and the audience of poets trying desperately to avoid his reaching hands, then Neil and Todd were disasters. They had somehow managed to avoid a situation that could end their friendship, but it felt as if avoiding it had caused a bigger rift. Neil was using that soft, delicate tone, the one he used for Todd when he thought he might be touching on a sensitive subject. No, Todd wasn't sure, but he knew it was the best thing to do. 

"O-of course I... I'm sure." Neil nodded, he didn't believe him, but he knew better than to pester Todd for the real answer when he had spent so much time covering up the truth. It would just draw them further apart; Neil didn't want that- he wanted the opposite of that. Todd had been off the entire night and the story about the poem, it was rather believable if Neil wasn't his roommate. Whenever Todd sat and got to writing a poem, Neil called it "the slump". He wouldn't sleep that night; the bin would overflow with crumpled paper and the coffee on the side of his desk would surround the room in the oddly comforting aroma. He hadn't had a slump for a while now, and there was no way that Todd could have written one without his slump. It was an easy read lie for someone so close to the boy, Todd probably knew that. So, Neil let it slide, leaving himself to wonder what might have happened if he did ask Todd to tell him the truth. Maybe they would be on the same page. 

Todd grew hot under Neil’s questioning gaze. No matter how Todd acted, he couldn’t sit still, and he could feel Neil growing more and more suspicious as he squirmed in his seat. He knew that the taller boy was onto him. He wasn’t expecting him to believe the lie, he just wanted something to hide behind. Plus, he was certain that Neil wouldn’t question him on it. It was just the type of person Neil was. 

Just when the night couldn’t get any worse, Charlie Dalton (the bringer of all evil), managed to score a victim to join him in his dancing journey throughout the cave. It seemed that no matter how easy it seemed to avoid the boy’s drunken, grasping hands; he was eventually going to get a hold of someone. If it wasn’t entertaining enough to watch Nuwanda stumble over his own feet, it was more than enough to watch him stumble over Knox Overstreet’s. That’s when Todd got his plan. He just hoped Charlie would agree to it. 

* * *

The party had remained relatively smooth for the rest of the night; that is if you consider a group of drunk poets as smooth. Just as the start of the party had predicted, the majority of the alcohol went to Todd and Charlie, but for separate reasons. Charlie couldn’t stop himself when he started, but he was fueled even further by the awkwardness that had sprouted between him and Knox. Dancing with the boy was like flying in the sky to Charlie, his feet practically lifted off the ground. It was his own personal heaven, his place between the clouds. When the boy was that close to him, he could hear his heartbeat, getting lost in it and imagining scenarios that meant he could be this close to him again. But when it was finished, when he had to finally let go of the pretty-boys neck, he was like a baby letting go of a parent. He held on like a needy girlfriend, his hands eventually pried off by Knox’s unimpressed scowl. He hadn’t had the same experience as Charlie, obviously. Todd, similarly, had drunk on a basis of boy problems. Except his problem wasn’t possible rejection, it was jealousy. Not only had Neil moved from him after the painfully awkward conversation, but he had sat dangerously close to Meeks. His hand was on Steven’s thigh, his head an inch away from the blonde’s, his words whispered and private. Todd knew deep down that he was probably making fun of Charlie or thanking Meeks for organising the party, but it didn’t calm Todd’s nerves. Pairing that with the fact he was left to sit with Cameron, it wasn’t hard to imagine why Todd had had a bit too many. But whatever alcohol does, whatever delusions or hallucinations it caused, Todd wasn’t sure this was one of them. 

He woke up to his room. His dorm. His and Neil’s dorm. The one with the desk set, the window and the uncomfortable beds. An image he was overly-used to and one he wouldn’t miss when he left. But it was different. Something was wrong. His desk wasn’t in front of him, it was to the right. The window wasn’t on his left, but his right. His bed was more comfortable than usual. His bed. It had never seemed this small before. The wall seemed awfully close as he tried to scoot back to prevent his body from falling off. Something was _definitely_ wrong. What was it? Todd couldn’t quite tell. Then the wall moved. 

But walls don’t move, that’s for sure. Todd was pretty sure that was against the very definition of a wall. So, what was behind him? What was making his leg numb from hanging off of the bed? What was making the room back to front? What was so wonderfully close him that he felt like he was receiving the warmest hug that the world had to offer? He turned slowly. Trying not to move the wall. Scared the wall might move back. But the wall didn’t move back. It wasn’t a wall at all. The answer to his numb foot, the misplaced desk set, the comfortable bed, the window being on the wrong side, _the hug_ ; was Neil Perry. 

If Todd could have gasped, he would have. He would have pulled away, walked out of the room, washed his face to feel a little clearer. He would have gone back to his own bed. He would have prevented this impacting anything. But he couldn’t do it. He was just so close. He could feel his breath on his cheek, the way his chest raised when Todd’s fell, the warmth radiating from his body. It was like someone had punched Todd in the face with the most loving, affectionate fist. He loved it and hated it. He wanted to embrace it and run from it. But he couldn’t do anything. This was Todd, after all. He would never make a move. He was always too nervous to. 

He couldn’t stay like this, though. What if Neil woke up and pushed him off? What if he lost Neil forever, all because he wanted to bathe in his warmth for a little longer? What if Neil already knew? What if he was staying beside him to be polite? To let Todd believe he could step away from this unscathed? God, what a mess had one party created. 

Neil’s lips opened in a grunt, his body stretched past the restrictions of the bed, his arm removing itself from Todd’s waist. The smaller boy’s eyes clamped shut, unnaturally so, as he avoided Neil’s acknowledgement as much as possible. But Neil did anything. The pounding in Todd’s chest slowed, the stillness of his body relaxed and his eyes opened cautiously. Neil was still asleep, flat on his back, with his hand under Todd’s cheek. His shirt had ridden up a little as he turned, his hipbone staring at Todd as the boy blushed a million shades of red, trying to hide in Neil’s hand. Even then he couldn’t get away from the boy, Neil’s innocent grunt replaying in his head like a sinful melody- he had to move. What would the rest of the poets think if they knew the shy, pure Todd Anderson’s _real_ thoughts about the way Neil looked under the morning sun? It was an embarrassing thought. 

With a swift, long-awaited movement, Todd lifted himself from the warmth and comfort of Neil’s bed and placed himself begrudgingly in the cold, hard confinements of his own. He was left to wonder how he got there. What kind of state had he been in to end up in Neil’s bed!? It was an unthinkable thought, one that circled his mind like a cursed image. Whatever happened that night, during that damned party, it was to stick with Todd for the rest of his life- whether he knew the truth of it or not. 

Todd soon drifted off to sleep, even if it was a dreadful one. He had succeeded in pulling himself away from another difficult situation with the boy of his dreams, was this the Universe’s way of saying it had it out for him? If it was, could they do it any quicker? He’s not one for dragged out torture. He was just glad that he had managed to divert the trouble to a later Todd, the current and earlier ones sitting comfortably as they waited patiently for the drama to uncurl- this was going to be a show worth watching. 

* * *

As Charlie had expected, the night’s awful aftertaste had lasted in the back of his throat till morning- and no, he didn’t mean the hangover puke. He had left his dorm with Cameron rather early, earlier than usual, to pay for his alcohol-based sins from the previous night. And God, did he regret that alcohol. He wasn’t one to admit faults, but he could admit he was wrong on that one. 

Charlie wasn’t upset about his drinking; it was something more important, more substantial. Knox. It was already noticeable, the strain on his relationship with Knox. He should have known this would happen. How could he expect the boy to act normally after Charlie had nuzzled into his neck and pleaded for him not to let go- who did he think he was? It was obvious that he was going to have to explain himself at some point, but the later that was, the better. 

It was made obvious, the strain between them, when Charlie had reached the toilet in the early hours of the morning. Even though he had attempted to keep quiet whilst running as his life depended on it, he had managed to wake up a slightly sleep-deprived brunette- one that wasn’t up for his shit. As Charlie let go of his decisions and waved goodbye to them as they were flushed down the toilet, he noticed the presence over his shoulder. 

“H-Hi, Knox.” He couldn’t meet his eyes, fearing the sight that he might be hit with. Was Knox angry with him? Had he not forgotten about the awfulness that was last night? 

“Remind me never to let you drink again. It's not a pretty sight.” _Ouch_. Charlie didn't think Knox had it in him to be so; _rude_. He could have passed it off as a joke if he wanted, but the tone, the face, the spit behind his words- he truly meant it. He really meant that he didn’t enjoy last night. The weight on Charlie’s chest got heavier, his need to lie down escalating as his eyes watered. How had he managed to fuck up so much last night? 

* * *

Hellton lived up to its nickname on a good day; this was _not_ a good day. A hungover pair of lovesick boys, two oblivious boys, two nerds and a stuck-up prick; how could anyone expect this to end well. Pair the eclectic mix of boys with seven hours of school and only one nice teacher, and you’ve got the worst possible day ever. Hellton was now actually hell. 

If it wasn’t Charlie holding down bile for the first three periods, it was Todd’s need to stay as far away from Neil as possible. If it wasn’t the hours-long amount of homework assigned in Latin, then it was the poem due for Mr Keating on Monday. That poem was going to be the death of Charlie if this hangover didn’t get him first. The words of the English teacher rung in his head, overpowering the awful headache; 

_“I want a poem, on Monday, to the class. You know the drill, boys. This time I want you to really show me who you are. I want vulnerability, rawness, emotion. Write about love, boys. Like all of the true poets!”_

Charlie might love Mr Keating, but he would never forgive him for this assignment. He didn’t think Todd would either. 

* * *

“Must you chew so loud?” Charlie sneered; his patience lost at a certain boy- Richard Cameron. He was being his usual self, walking around and complaining about everything, and that had pissed Charlie off more than he thought possible. There are two types of awkward- Richard Cameron and Todd Anderson. The lovable type, Todd Anderson, the one you want to cuddle and cradle, the baby of the group. And then there was the complainer, Richard Cameron, the kid you hate to see on your guest list, the one you avoid pairing up with, the one you don’t invite to the nightclub. Neil had told Charlie that he was being ridiculous many times, but he hadn’t gotten through to the stubborn boy. He hated Cameron and that was that. 

However, Charlie had to admit that he was good for something, and that was distracting others. Somewhere in the crowd of boys heading back from dinner, Todd had managed to separate Charlie from the other poets, all because of little Cameron. The boy had ranted on and on about the same Geometry teacher from the first course all the way to the second staircase, it was obvious on the other boy’s faces that they were fed up with it by now, they just didn’t have the energy left to stop him. Therefore, Charlie was thankful. Not only had Cameron separated them all, but he had also allowed Todd to isolate him, keeping him from returning to the dreaded dorm with the riled-up blonde. 

“Charlie, we need to talk” Todd couldn’t look him in the eyes, his shy tendencies making him seem like a little bunny in comparison to the lion-like, confident Nuwanda. 

“Todd! You’re breaking up with me?” A smirk tainted joke that struggled a laugh out of the anxiously waiting Todd, his eyes never leaving his hands that twisted and turned in each other’s grasp. “What is it, Anderson? Tell me, is it about last night?” Todd nodded, a sense of guilt choking Charlie’s throat- he knew he was in the wrong for what he had done, he hadn’t felt worse about anything before. 

“I-I don’t... uhm... I don’t blame you. It-it was my fault for not telling y-you that the plan had... had changed. But, I ha-have an idea.” 

“Go on.” 

“You... you fancy Knox, right?” 

“Got me there.” 

“And I fancy Neil.” 

“Obviously.” 

“So...l-let’s work together.” 

…. 

“Deal.” 


	3. Chapter Three; Lavender On My Pillow Wouldn't Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One where a bunch of lovesick fools struggle under the eyes of the moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it

Nobody ever talked about loneliness. How it was like being stuck in a hallway with the lights turned off and no sense of whether you're walking forward or backwards. You know that there is a door somewhere. A way out. You might even know what it looks like, might have already touched the handle. But you can't find it. It's lost in the endless darkness around. All you want is to feel that brass, cold handle underneath your fingertips, but you're left with the aching, dreadful emptiness of air. Loneliness was like being a prisoner in your own mind. Neil had people to turn to and he knew where they were, he just didn't have the strength to stand up and go and find any of them. Heck, one was right beside him. 

Neil had a confident, unbreakable outer image. He was the kind of guy that you could smile at in the middle of the street, but you wouldn't dare argue with, he seemed too sure of himself to lose. But if you were in Neil's head during that argument, you'd find he was as lost as you. You'd find that he was struggling to form sentences together, the jigsaw that words were just wouldn't fit together right. He was an internal mess, his external shield overcompensating for the pain he was in. But the loneliness was the worst. He could turn to Todd right now, the boy was fast asleep in the bed next to him, or he could find one of the other boys (no doubt Charlie was still awake); but he just couldn't bring himself to move. His eyes were stuck on the ethereal moon that stood beautifully in the sky, like an angel over the rooftops of the school. Neil may look like he has his life together, but on the inside, he was a mix of unanswered questions and scribbled out answers. His worst trait; uncertainty. 

When it got too hard and he had tried _everything_ else, he would turn to the moon. She would look down at him with soft, comforting eyes as he poured his heart out through his tearful, indignant looks. He pleaded to her. He pleaded for _help_. 

"Why can't anyone see? I'm so tired. I'm so, _so_ tired." He felt the disapproving look from her. He already knew the answer to that. She had never approved of his self-sabotaging or ignorance when it came to his own mental health. He didn't have to act strong; he didn't have to pretend; he didn't have to act like everyone else's rock. 

He had been speaking to her for about an hour now. He had only one last thing to ask; "And... What about... erm... Him?" The reaction she gave was wonderful. It was a warming, homely feeling. A new sensation. A chill down his spine. A hug covering his body. She had said yes. 

With this new wave of approval, Neil turned to the sleeping boy, lifting his hand and stroking the rosy cheek. It was enough right now, to just look at the boy from afar, but he knew he needed more. He didn't know how long he could last like this. 

* * *

Meeks is a textbook nerd. He knew anything and everything. He was the group's dedicated homework-helper. But it got tiring sometimes. Being a nerd had its limits- limits he was coming very close to. His only escape from the mundane reality of schoolwork- Pittsie. The overly tall, lanky boy with the awful haircut that only accentuated his height. He was hard to miss and yet, Meeks felt like everyone missed him. Everyone overlooked him and his brilliance as if it meant nothing. It was a classic mistake, as his Pittsie was one-of-a-kind. 

Not only had he come up with the blueprints for the radio, but he had also found all the parts AND put most of it together. Meeks wasn't oblivious to the fact that Pitts wasn't as smart as he was _on paper_ , but he was smarter than Meeks in real life. He was quiet, sure, but he made up for that with his observation. He knew everything about everyone. He knew their deepest, darkest secrets. He was the human interpretation of the ripped-out pages of someone's hidden personal diary. So, when Meeks had a suspicion that something had changed within their group, he knew exactly where to go. 

"Wanna know what I think, Meeks? I think cupids been busy." 

"What? What do you mean? I thought Knox was over Chris." A silence. This kind of silence was the kind that Meeks was used to, it was Pitts' 'how can you really be that dumb' silence. 

"You're kidding, right? You haven't noticed?" 

"Did they get back together?" Pitts shook his head in despair. How could someone this smart be this dumb? It didn't make any sense. 

"Meeks, the fact you are considered intelligent is the most worrying thing to me. I hope you know that.” Meek’s face was the embodiment of disgust, but he followed the taller boy to the dorm without a word of rebuttal; mainly because he knew it was true. 

But he still didn’t know the answer to the question that troubled his mind; What had changed. So, he asked, “What am I missing Pitts? What’s happened to them?” 

With a grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye, Pitts tried to tell the short boy what he had seen. He was no cupid, nor was he a master in love, but it didn’t take one to see the love sprouting between their four friends. 

When the news hit the blonde’s ears, he lit up like a lamp and sparked a fuse- how hadn’t he realised before? It all seemed so obvious now. The desperation that Charlie’s eyes showed when he followed Knox like a restless puppy. The way Todd no longer trembled in public when he knew Neil was nearby. The way that Neil and Knox were as oblivious as ever- it was all so obvious. 

* * *

“He’s found my Achilles heel, Todd. He’s doing this on purpose.” The dirty blonde looked in bewilderment at the brunette. Charlie had rag-dolled him into the stall, the ongoing traffic of boys erupting into a chorus of wolf-whistles at the easily misread action. He was standing an inch away from his fellow bottom, still trying to understand what he meant. 

“W-Wait... Wait, Charlie, what Achilles heel? I... I’m not following.” His puppy eyes looked up at Nuwanda with a confused twinge; he really was lost. So far, on the journey to getting the boys together, Charlie and Knox had seemed to have so much more progress. After the bump in the road that was the morning after the party, Knox had managed to calm down and act normal again. Beyond that, he had even hugged Charlie before he went off for another out-of-school dinner. On the other hand, Neil and Todd felt as far apart as ever. It would take a ferry to travel the distance they had separated in such a short time- and Todd _hated_ it. 

“Y’know! His hands? His hands on my thigh. He did that on purpose! To _distract_ me, for God’s sake.” He may have been right had Todd not known the circumstances in which this had happened. He wished he hadn’t known, however, just so he could shed Charlie a slither of hope. 

“That- That was during the game of twister, Charlie. I doubt he knew... I don’t think h-he meant it.” Nuwanda’s eyes lost their happiness. He knew Todd was right. He should stop misreading friendly signals as romantic hints, he was doing it _far_ too often now. But he couldn’t help it. Whenever the other poet was near, the room turned from a friendly get together to a boiling pot for all things sex and love. The very sight of the boy hit a switch in Charlie’s mind that made him all suave and charming. He was aware he was being obvious, but what was the point in swooning over him if he sat back and ran the risk of his feelings going unnoticed. It was just easier to be upfront. 

Todd had taken a different approach, though. He had removed himself from any Neil-heavy situation. He had even threatened to Nuwanda that he was thinking of taking a break from the poets (a possibility that was heavily disapproved by Charlie). Whenever he lay eyes on him, the voice in the back of his mind screamed _‘leave_!’ and what was he to do if the only person who had ever stopped that voice was the very object of its hate. He often wondered; was there any solace in love? Was it even natural to obsess and become infatuated with a simple human being? It couldn’t be healthy; he knew that at least. 

The two boys were in an unfixable kerfuffle, their love lives more confusing than the classes Mr Keating held. Yet, as much as it pained them to love the boys, they couldn’t help themselves from indulging in the scenarios they created. Todd’s favourite- the line helper. His first assigned job in his friendship with Neil. Except, it was a different Shakespeare play, Romeo and Juliet. Todd would play Juliet and Neil would play Romeo and when they got to the window scene, they would at once realize their own loves for one another, and the rest was history. Charlie, the anti-sap that he is, had a very different range of scenario for his late-night loneliness. Whilst the steady heartbeat from their dance in the cave rang fiercely in Charlie’s mind, the movements of the bed synced with them and soon the breaths of the other. He would never admit to Todd the true vulgarity of his fantasy; the details that his dirt-filled mind had gone to because he felt that if he spoke the dream into the air, he would only jinx it from ever coming true. That was a risk Charlie would _never_ run. 

* * *

There’s a place Neil sleeps the best and it isn’t physical. It’s a mental state, a place between happiness and numbness, one that he allows himself to lull into the most heavenly of slumbers. Tonight, he had finally found it again. After an endless number of nights, he had spent in the rays of the moonlight trying to connect with something beyond himself, Neil was finally getting some sleep. He needed it after the pain he had been feeling. The emotional turmoil that a certain teen boy had been causing. 

Todd Anderson. The little shit. An angel on the inside and outside that had found a slight pleasure in making Neil’s heart pound and ache at the same time. His new heartless cold nature paired with his habitual slip-ups had both driven Neil crazy and into the dumps. It was a wonder how one boy could be so flexible in his ways. 

As he twisted and turned in his pleasurable sleep, Neil dreamed of an undreamable dream. He was in the field with Todd and they had passed the teasing phase. They were together. There was no more yearning or hiding. No more hidden words and glances. He had Todd and Todd had him. And yet, even if it was a dream, it seemed so far away. 

* * *

Meeks was awake. It was way past 3 am and the sun was almost rising- he hadn’t slept the entire night. It was a painful thing to be kept awake because your heart can’t make up its mind. He had asked himself this question _many_ times; why didn’t he want to lose Pitts? Why was he so scared of going to University? Why was he so terrified that they would be split up? It wasn’t some friendly connection. It wasn’t an attachment between them that he didn’t want to lose. It was a feeling that he was running out of time. Running out of time to do something. To get his feelings out into thin air. 

He wasn’t sure when they had developed but he did know why. The butterflies he got in the pit of his stomach when the boy put his arm around his shoulders. The way he had to drag his face away when he looked up at Pitts and caught his doe-eyed smile. The shiver he got when Pitts would laugh without a care in the world at some niche science joke Meeks had written on scrapped paper. If it wasn’t enough that Pitts was the sweetest, kindest person ever; he was an exact fit for Meeks. He was perfect. 

Meeks was aware that he was in love with someone who struggled to show their emotions. Not because he was afraid but because he had never felt right sharing them. But he also knew that he was drowning in pain at the way his feelings tested the brim of his heart. He was so full of emotion for the boy that he was sure he was destined to burst. 

* * *

Like many of the boys that night, Charlie slept very little and when he did sleep, it wasn’t exactly filled with pleasant dreams. He was drifting in and out of slumber with small snippets of his dream haunting him into consciousness. He felt trapped in the cold confinements of his bed. If only he could go to the cave tonight- but it was too late. He just had to wait until tomorrow night where he could finally relax. Where he could see Knox and be under the comfortable supervision of Todd to ensure he done nothing stupid or stepped over any lines. He was so thankful that he had Todd to look over him like that. He hoped Todd felt the same about him with the Neil, but after the last Poets trip to the cave; he couldn’t blame him if he didn’t. 

In the night sky, there is little that one cannot count as beauty. With the blank spaces acting as areas of thought and the white specks like breaks in a sentence- it was like listening to someone speak. The sky had words of its own, ones that it let spill out into the open like a raw poem from the mouth of a lovesick poet. It was so pure and open to interpretation that Charlie had managed to shape it into his own picture. The night sky was a speech. A declaration of love. _His_ declaration of love. 

“Knox, do you know how I feel? I feel like an arrow aiming for the centre of the aim, along with a hundred other arrows. What are the bets that I will reach bullseye? What are the bets that I fall to the ground in dismay? It’s all too much to think about, even if the answer is obviously guessed. I want you. I need you. Even if the odds tell me that I’m setting myself up for a world of pain. It’s something I need to get off my chest before I suffocate- I love you.” His speech was short of a few things, but it was what he felt in the moment. He imagined many a scenario in his many sporadic, parted dreams throughout the night. One where he spoke to a flushed, crimson-red Knox who cried happily at the sound of his words. One where the boy turned around in disbelief and ignored the meaningless rant. One where he didn’t even listen, he just blew off whatever Charlie had said. One where Charlie wasn’t even saying it to the boy, he was just speaking to himself in the mirror. Tonight taught him something among the array of embarrassing dreams; he was full of feelings with no way to let them out unless someone turned the tap. He needed to turn the tap. He needed to let his feelings out. 


	4. Chapter Four; Richard Cameron, the Missing Piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three boys have to speak their poems to the three objects or their literature- in other words, they experience hell.   
> And all because Richard Cameron had to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate this chapter. It's the embodiment of 'I-have-no-inspiration' and I hate that.

Cameron had managed to go home because of a family emergency earlier in the week. He had managed to miss the mess that had been the first Dead Poets Society meeting since Neil's party. He had managed to avoid the second-hand embarrassment that he would have experienced if he had attended it. 

The most  prominent issue , besides the meeting, that Cameron's departure had caused; was the downfall of Charlie Dalton. Whoever had paired them together as roommates were either high or mentally deranged because neither boy could think of anything closer to hell. They were far too  dissimilar to share such a small space for the best part of the 24 hours of every day. But, as soon as Cameron was away, Charlie  realized the significance of their differences and how it paid to keep the natural balance of life. Before, Charlie had been the  pain of Cameron's life, and vice versa. Whenever Cameron had sat to study, Charlie would prevent it. When Cameron was trying to sleep at 2 am, Charlie was always there with his random burst of energy to wake up the nerd. When Cameron was coming back from classes, Charlie had always set up a new prank to greet him with. But this  endless torture had  a silver lining . Charlie brought life and energy to the dorm- preventing Cameron from burning himself out. Cameron brought  cleanliness and order- stopping Charlie from losing control of his life. So, now that Cameron was gone, Charlie had lost it. He  couldn't remember the last time he had seen a clean pair of boxers nor the floor of the dorm. And Cameron had only been gone one day. 

If anything was a bigger sign not to hold the meeting, it was the mess that Charlie had become. But if there was any other sign, it would be the disaster of a day that Todd had had. He had to present his science experiment. And  since he was new, he  wasn't in the same class as the other boys which had been full when Todd had arrived. Instead, he was in the science class that was set at a different time as to not interfere with the competitive sports classes- therefore, he had to present his experiment in front of a class  full of meatheads. His own personal nightmare. If Todd had  m aybe had Neil there or any other poet, then he  would have been able to finish it. But, with the ball in his throat blocking his words, Todd  h adn't finished his presentation. He had run out to avoid any further embarrassment, followed by the chorus of laughter from the rest of the class, his feet taking him to the nearest place of safety- the dorm. He had hidden under the covers as he hyperventilated, taking in nothing but the hurried nature of his breathing .  The darkness that the quilt  supplied brought him comfort and security. As his breathing and thoughts came to a calm state, he finally took in the scent. The strong smell of cinnamon and old books, the  musky undertone that he had craved as if he was addicted to it- Neil. His Neil, the answer to his always frantically beating heart, his calm. He was in Neil's bed,  _ again _ , seeking safety from the embarrassment he had just endured. 

After the bed had been tidied to disguise the use, Todd had sat on his own and cried. He had fucked up. He  couldn't even fathom returning to the class but he  couldn't exactly ask Nolan  to move him . He  didn't even want to admit his anxiety to the head, let alone  have to admit the state it had just put him in. Worst of all, he  couldn't tell Neil. He  hadn't even been able to look at him since he woke up in his bed. He  hadn't spoken to him, other than short replies at the dinner table or a soft goodnight under the glare of the moonlight. 

But the meeting did go forward. It was destined to be a disaster from the start. They had been walking hurriedly from Welton, their feet stumbling over the crisp grass, when the issues started arising. They were all mixed up. Todd was standing with Charlie, Knox with  Meeks, and Pitts with Neil. It was as if someone had picked them up and put them in someone else's position before the curtain  rose \- but they  didn't know those character's lines, so it was a mess. Pitts and Neil had hardly ever spoken one-on-one, their conversation as forced as the smiles on their  faces. Knox and Meeks were  too  similar to hold a conversation of any substance- so they had lost interest very quickly. Todd and Charlie,  arguably the most natural of the odd pairings, were having a conversation with the most functionality, but it was overly obvious that Charlie was over-powering Todd, something Neil  wouldn't have done. This all could have been avoided if Cameron had been present with his advantage of observation. He was the only member of the group not to have a complimentary partner, so he saw everything from  a vastly unique perspective . He would have noticed this  at once and put it back to normal; but he  wasn't there, so the disfunction continued. 

It had been picked up by the boys but none of them had the emotional strength to fix it. To fix it, meant to acknowledge that they had sub-groups within their group, and to admit that meant to admit that they preferred it that way, and somehow that translated too closely to the feelings they held for their complimentary boys. So, even with the knowledge of the elephant in the room, the boys sat in the artificial groups within the cave and silently continued with the meeting.  But Neil almost forgot to read the passage by Thoreau. Pitts had accidentally interrupted one of Charlie's poems. To which, Charlie reacted negatively, which caused a similar reaction from Meeks. Further than that, Todd sat as awkwardly as he could. He had relied on Neil in the  earlier meetings to sit with him whilst he listened to the poetry as a sort of shield. He could hide behind Neil whenever he wanted. But he was so far away.

The meeting was what tipped off the next week which had resulted in one  bad thing after another. Charlie had been late to his rowing and sent back to Nolan's office, Pitts had dropped the radio and broken one of the harder-to-find pieces and Cameron's return had been delayed.  Suddenly , it was Monday, and the poem was due. 

* * *

Charlie  wasn’t used to feeling nervous. Hell, he barely ever felt uncomfortable- let alone nervous. But here he was, in the far-right corner of  Mr Keating’s classroom, ready to run out of the door and never come back. He had  drafted a poem. But  whether he trusted himself to recite it to the class, he  wasn’t sure. Love was such a tricky thing to anyone, so to Charlie, it was like an unsolvable puzzle that had a missing piece- impossible to solve. 

“Dalton, you’re up,” Keating had a smirk that screamed trouble; he knew Charlie was anxious. He was revelling in the fact that he had found something that tore down that macho, jester mask that Charlie covered himself with. But Charlie felt naked. He felt numb. 

His legs almost gave up on him as he trudged up to the front of the class, looking everywhere except Knox, and eventually focusing on the empty seat that Cameron had left. 

“I...”  _ God, he  _ _ couldn’t _ _ do it, he  _ _ couldn’t _ _ say it when he was in the same room as him _ . 

“I feel like an arrow flying towards the same aim as a million other arrows, 

As I fly, I see every beautiful colour, 

every scent passes my nose,

every sound fills my ears, 

Will I be the only arrow to hit the aim? 

Will I miss and fall to the ground?

Will I even get close? 

The odds  aren’t on my side, but to love you is too tempting a win, 

Do you see what you do to me?

Do you feel anything?

I cannot lose a friend over something so juvenile, 

But I also cannot stand drowning in my own thoughts for any longer

If to love you is to risk it all, then all must be risked.”  _ Fuck _ .  _ Fuck. Fuck. _ Charlie  couldn’t even look  up; he just watched his feet walk back to his seat in utter  embarrassment . What was that? Was that even what he wrote on his paper? No. So why did he do it? He had no idea. One minute he was staring at Cameron’s empty chair and the next  he’s pouring himself into the deep brown orbs of Knox Overstreet. God, how could he have fucked this up anymore? 

Nobody said anything, or at least, Charlie  couldn’t hear them. His heart was beating too loud in his ear that any word aimed at him was muffled and incomprehensible, not that he cared to listen anyway. He was too busy wallowing in embarrassment at his careless actions. 

The head in front of his, Knox Overstreet, was steady and motionless- his body too stiff to follow Todd as he stood to the front of the class. Was he on to Charlie? Did he know? Did he reciprocate?  Probably not . 

“I follow you wherever, 

Whether it be to the end of the world, 

To the means of my death, 

Through the woods in the night, 

For wherever you take me,  it’s as if  I am invincible to anything and everything, 

You are my security, my safety net, 

And  that’s as close as I get to you being anything to me, 

And so, I follow you into the woods at night, 

Just to feel like we have something between us, 

Just to pretend like it means something to you too.” Todd shook and trembled throughout his poem, his eyes never leaving the floor but a stutter never leaving his mouth. Because the poem was the ultimate antidote. It was about Neil, and Neil stopped the stutters. He stopped the anxiety. He stopped the fear. He  didn’t tremble and shake out of  nerves; it was out of expectation. He wanted it to sound the way it had sounded in his head and when his eyes finally lifted from the dirty floor, Charlie knew that it  hadn’t . 

Taking his seat at the front of the class, Todd did everything he could to prevent his neck from twisting back and having to look at the pretty boy in the next row. He was terrified to see what the boy had thought and if he shared the same disappointment at the execution as Todd had. He was already embarrassed and underwhelmed. But if he was without knowing Neil’s opinion, then he  couldn’t bear to look at the boy. It would break his heart if he also thought it was unsatisfying. 

Meeks was next. And he already felt the sick travel up his throat. This  wasn’t going to go well. He had tried his hardest to convince his science mind that he could do this - but he knew that he  couldn’t . He  wasn’t into literature or writing like his other fellow poets, he just enjoyed the way it sounded, but he did  _ not  _ enjoy the way this one sounded. 

“Okay... I look out my window, my face in the breeze, as I think and think and think, 

I laugh into the wind, my cheeks hit by the cold, and the wind laughs back at me, 

So, I sneer at the wind, my offence has been taken, the wind will sneer right back,

My final  defence , my final weapon, the only thing left to protect my heart, 

I scream in the wind, I scream your name, the wind has no answer,

It  can’t understand the love I feel for you, nothing can, 

No one can,

Not even you.”  It was badly structured, a mess at best, but it was what he felt. He felt like he was having a battle with something that he could not see but  _ god _ , could he feel it. It was in his veins, in his heart, in his mind. It was around his throat, in his hands, along his spine.  He felt Pitts everywhere. In every thought, every dream, every fantasy. He was drowned by him. In the most loving, comfortable way possible. 

“That’s wonderful, Meeks. Truly, the best I’ve heard from you all year. You should be proud to show such vulnerability. All of you, well done! It’s a skill to push past those hard-shell expectations. It’s a lot to do so, that alone is an  achievement.” The bell rang just as his words ended the sentence. He was always at the right time,  Mr Keating. Just as his assignment of the poem was strategically timed as the poets all stumbled into love. He was a man without explanation, but one  wasn’t needed, he just had to be a dmired and that was enough. 

* * *

English had been the last class of the day and thankfully so. Charlie,  Todd, and Meeks had run to their dorms with crimson red faces and hearts full of regret. How could they let themselves go like that? Had the boys realised? Had they caught  on?  It was as if they had opened a door that they never should have opened. It was already an awful feeling to have let the boys know, but to have to share a room with them was what drove Meeks and Todd to insanity.

* * *

The night came quicker than Todd had expected, his usual tiredness not arriving  when it was meant to, meaning he was destined for a sleepless night. What was he to do when Neil was already tired, his usual energy not arriving due to his busy schedule. He was already needing a break due to the poem, but it was o nly more necessary when Neil walked in from the shower. Topless. Dripping with water. He  didn’t even have his towel on as he walked in with low-waisted joggers and a wet mop of hair. 

“I forgot to take a towel so now I’m soaking.  I’m telling you, Todd, I’ve been cursed.  This day couldn’t have gone  worse.”  _ Tell me about it _ .  But Todd’s day did get worse. When wet bodies are underneath cloth, the water from their bodies will soak through . That’s just how it happens . And  that’s exactly what happened. Across the room, above the pages of Todd’s new book, was the topless body of Neil Perry whose  grey joggers had soaked through at the most inconvenient area.  Todd’s mind struggling to find a pure thought, his eyes darted back and forth with an intense awkwardness.  Todd  _ definitely  _ wasn’t sleeping tonight. 

* * *

Charlie knew that Cameron was coming back tomorrow and surprisingly, he was excited. He had cleaned the dorm, washed his boxers and planned out the next week all to ensure that there was less chance of Cameron even  _ thinking  _ of leaving. Too much had gone wrong without him.  Beyond the obvious destruction of Charlie’s mental state and the dorm, the rest of the poets had had horrendous weeks and the poems had just been the cherry on top. Or so Charlie thought. 

9 pm was shower time. Charlie always stuck by that. It was right before all of the first years darted for the corner shower, and right after Knox usually went- prime time to avoid the boy completely. But, it seems everything about today was o ff. When he turned the sharp corner of the floors bathroom, he collided with a wet,  warm chest. One that was the best balance of firm and soft. One that’s heartbeat sounded oh-so-familiar. 

He never even looked up. He muttered a small sorry and ran past him, grabbing his favourite shower before it was stolen by any younger boys.  But he  couldn’t ignore what just happened. Not with the pounding in his chest or the thoughts that tainted his mind. That was going to keep him up tonight. He was sure of it. 

* * *

Meeks and Pitts considered themselves smart for using the showers in the mornings instead and avoiding the nighttime rush, but it did come with one downside. Whilst all the other boys got a break during the evening  when the other roommate showered, the two nerds were confined to their dorm . They had no other excuse to leave, so neither of them ever did. But after the day they had had, Meeks  c ouldn’t have wished for anything else. He just wanted to be alone for a while to wallow in his feelings, but he  c ouldn’t do that. 

He had already declared his need for an early night when he settled himself into his bed and left his glasses on the desktop. He could barely see the room and with that, he closed his eyes. He had made sure to face the wall in case he cried in his sleep, his usual reaction during slumber if he had had  a bad day. He just  didn’t want Pitts to worry as he knew he would. 

“Goodnight, Pittsie.” 

“Goodnight, Meeks.” it was an awkward send-off into sleep, but it was sleep all the same and Meeks needed it. He needed a break. 

* * *

In the late hours of the morning, Pitts could have been found at the foot of his bed, with his head in his hands. His eyes never left the sleeping boy in the bed beside him. Even asleep, the boy looked so fragile and small. So ti ny and lovable. There wasn’t a day that went by that Pitts didn’t have to fight the urge to tackle the boy with cuddles and kisses. Especially when he said ‘Pittsie’ in that  _ goddamned  _ voice. Being in his presence alone was like setting himself on fire. He had to restrict himself with every last  ounce of strength he had. It was unbearable. 

He couldn’t sleep. It seemed that was becoming a common issue for the boys. But he couldn’t sleep because all he heard when his eyes closed was the sad, loving poem that Meeks had let slip from his lips. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the shaking boy  with the worried face. He saw his Meeks looking like a lost dog, pleading at him to save him from the judging eyes of the classroom. 

Meeks was a pile of cuteness  less than a foot away and Pitts was fighting his own wants off like mosquitoes in the warm weather. He  couldn’t justify cuddling up to him or anything past that, because it  wasn’t who they were. It  wasn’t the sort of thing they did. But, he  couldn’t restrain himself  anymore. When his feet felt the cold floor, he took a couple of steps forward and reached the boy. He placed a hand over his hair and felt the strands tickle his palm. His other hand drew pictures on the boy's cheeks, lulling him into a  deeper sleep. Meeks’ only response was to nuzzle into his  hand, a small sound released from his mouth- Pitts was a pile of mush. This  wasn’t a memory he would lose any time soon. 


	5. Chapter Five; Give My Heart a Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knox knew he was the master of misreading situations; he just didn't think that it could get any worse than that goddamned party with Chris. Apparently, it could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was very rushed and un-edited, I just wanted to get it out as I felt I hadn't updated in a while. I'll probably come back and change but, I hope you like it!

Knox was an idiot. He knew that. But he wasn't just _any_ idiot. He was a lovesick, love-addicted idiot that couldn't help himself. His heart never stopped jumping from one person to the next, becoming more and more passionate with each person; but he was sure that this was as passionate as he could get. Knox was sure that Charlie was something subhuman. Something beyond the explanation of normal biology. Something that he wasn't ready for. 

On the night of Perry's party- the night where everything changed- Knox's heart informed him of its next obsession. With his hands on his hips and his breathing in his ear, Knox was surrounded by him. Engulfed in the warmth that radiated from his body that was oh-so-close but still, not close enough. But what worried Knox wasn't Charlie's proximity; it was the way he felt. The way he craved this to be their constant closeness. The way his stomach churned with the butterflies swarming within it. The way the voice in his mind convinced him that this was the way he wanted to be, forever. He desired to be the one forever at Charlie's hip. The one he turned in his bed to meet under the golden morning sun. The one he came to for solace, happiness, comfort; the one he loved. This kind of intensity was new to Knox, his own being shocked by the extent of his affections, leaving him to wonder; if he was shocked, how would Charlie respond? 

So, in his own reply to his unfamiliar feelings, Knox's conscience chose anger. Not anger at himself; at Charlie. Was this another one of his pranks? Had he pressed himself against Knox like that for some type of joke? Was he the victim of Charlie's constant need for entertainment? When he woke to the sound of the smaller running to the bathroom, he woke with the feeling of frustration filling his veins. With a pulsing skull and a gathering hangover, he stood and listened to the boy physically regretting the night before. He stood and pondered of what to say and when the boy pulled his head from the basin, Knox let go of his venom. The words left him without control, they were the product of his confusion and discomfort that had piled up the entire night. As the smaller retreated with a face of agonising hurt, Knox let the poisonous statement sit on his lips. He was filled with instant regret. 

After his failed attempt at buffering his anger, Knox thought over his emotions. He combed over his array of feelings and inspected them with great observation. He needed to know how to fix the hurt he had caused Charlie as well as cure the racing of his heart. He found very little. Other than the fact that he still longed to hold Charlie close and feel him against him. He still wanted to love him with all of his might. It was when Knox realised the extent of his feelings that he realised how he was naturally caving in to his want. How he had allowed himself to find more excuses to hug and touch Charlie. How he had subtly-but-unsubtly stroked Charlie's thigh during Twister. How he chosen to have his shower just that smidgen sooner than before with the hopes of seeing him before they had to part ways for the night. But, his point didn't seem to get across. In fact, it seemed to be having the opposite of the desired effect. Whatever he tried, Charlie wouldn't notice, his attention driven away by something else. The fault in Knox's plan; Todd Anderson. 

In the height of Todd and Charlie's friendship (before the goddamned party), they had never been this close. They had been a friend of a friend to one and other, their one connection being Neil Perry. But, after they bonded from their 'unrequited' love, they became as close as they could. Too close, some might say. In the ache they shared for some type of release from the boundaries that are unspoken love, they found comfort in each other. They often found themselves sitting closer to each other than before. Speaking to each other in lowered voices. Laughing at inside jokes. A moment like this, if they were caught, could give someone the wrong idea. And that's exactly what Knox got. 

In the middle of his evening boredom, Knox decided to visit the Dalton-Cameron abode, convincing himself that it was just to give Cameron a proper welcome. As he waltzed towards the door with love-hearts as eyes, he gathered up all of the patience he had left in his body and got ready to face the potency that was Richard Cameron. Instead of his petty preparations, Knox should have protected his heart. With the careful opening of the dorm door, Knox got ready to greet the ginger but instead was met with a cuddling pair of teenage boys. His heart was crushed. 

"H-Hi, Knox." Todd Anderson, the current embodiment of the devil. 

"Hello." He couldn't help it, the words came out like stone as he watched the blonde's face drop in embarrassment. He was beyond heartbroken, too distraught to acknowledge the way that Charlie rushed to comfort the anxious boy. Something wasn't right, he _had_ to be misreading this. But the way that Charlie's hand wrapped around the boys broad shoulders and his lips whispered something in his hair, it was too much to be a mistake. There was no way he was reading this wrong. 

"What did you want, Knoxious?" His voice was honey-sweet, dripping from his lips; but it done nothing in convincing Knox of his innocence.

"I- I came to see Cameron. Look... I-I'll go, you two seem... you seem busy." His departure didn't seem to bother Nuwanda. In fact, he seemed almost relieved. So, in a now crestfallen quest to find Cameron, Knox tried to let go of his feelings for Charlie. They obviously weren't reciprocated. 

* * *

When the morning had called through the thin Welton blinds, Charlie's blood rushed with excitement. He tried to cover up his obvious enthusiasm, but it was impossible. He _was_ excited that Cameron was returning. He longed to live in the constant comfort of a clean dorm, to never have to worry about washing his boxers and, most importantly, to reunite with the victim of his pranks. He had missed the liberty that Cameron's presence provided him. 

Almost as soon as Charlie's eyes opened and he acknowledged the significance of the morning, the door handle jolted and the door opened. Within seconds of his entry, the ginger was tackled by a mop of brunette hair and deafened by the exhilarated scream of the other. 

"Get off of me, Nuwanda. Jesus, have you ever thought of washing." He took an exaggerated sniff of the boys hair. It wasn't actually dirty, Charlie just carried an unusual musk all the time; probably a product of his need to always be doing something. 

"You're actually here. You actually came back. Oh my God, the Heavens do exist!" Cameron looked back from the boys hair. What? Was he high or was Charlie _excited_ to see him back? How strange. 

"Are you... Charlie, **what** is going on?" 

"I... I... Nothing, there's some washing on the side." Huh? Washing? What? Cameron glanced confused and impatiently at the side of the room where he was met with a mountainous pile of clothes that belonged to none other than Charlie Dalton- the laziest person to exist. 

Without arguing, as Cameron was sure it was too early for that, he picked up the pile and placed it at the door, ready for later when he had time to unpack. He placed down his luggage on the creeky bed and got ready to get dressed for school; until he saw Nuwanda getting ready to go back to sleep. 

"Oh no you don't!" he pinched the boy by the ear. They had ten minutes until breakfast, no time for sleep.

"But-But Cameron!" Nuwanda whined, but the ginger never let go. He was aware that the dorm, although tidier than he had predicted, was still an utter disaster. He was also aware that Charlie was wearing his spare-spare school uniform. It was a desperate state to be in and he reminded himself that before they left for College, he would have to teach Charlie some life skills. Otherwise, the boy would be forever helpless. 

* * *

Todd's feet ran with a speed that he was unaware they good go at, fuelled by the desperation of the situation. He had finally done it. He had finally made a move. He, Todd Anderson, had held Neil's hand. 

In the flurry of the moment, he threw open the door to Dalton's room and plummeted to the foot of the bed in utter rush. He had so much to say, so many details. Without a word between them, Cameron left the room; he knew this wasn't for him to here, yet, he had a feeling he knew what it was about. The blushed cheeks, the watering eyes, the stuttering breaths- Todd was in love. 

With the departure of Richard, Toddy continued, his heart pounding at a worrying speed. 

"You won't b-believe it."

"Why? What happened?" And so, Todd elaborated. He covered every aspect. Starting from the very beginning and hitting every mark on the way up to the climax. He started with the build up. 

* * *

_In the cold weather, Todd had walked with Neil back from the separate school building, both aching to get inside the warm building and away from this freezing weather. They hadn't spoken to each other since they left the smaller building but the silence was comfortable. Like a blanket that separated them from everyone else. They were in their own bubble, safe from the preying eyes around. But, when the door opened to the delightful heat of the main school building, Todd had drifted off into a world of his own amid the comfortable silence. He hadn't realised how he had managed to isolate himself so far from natural conversation until a hand slipped in between his arm and his body, pulling him into the school and out of his mind. Neil had his arm wrapped around him._

_"What were you thinking about, hm?" The two had managed to regain some level of comfort with one another, the gap between them beginning to fill with habitual conversation and touch. But this was the closest they had gotten to feeling like they were back to normal._

_With Neil's arm still securely wrapped around his taut waist, Todd wasn't sure if he could trust his words to answer. His mind had escaped the world he was in but was now a flurry of thoughts and scenarios that he might feel this pressure along his spine again. He was full of unholy thoughts and romantic possibilities, his cheeks, no doubt, a bright crimson._

_"I-It was n-nothing. Just... Just a world of my own." Neil answered with only a knowing nod. He knew what Todd could be like; his only safe place was his own mind. As the two reached the bottom of the staircase, it was evident they had to break contact. With meeting eyes, the two separated ways, but something different grew between them. A new sense of loss. A craving for contact. A need for something to connect the two. Without thinking, or fully understanding the extent of his actions, Todd reached forward. He grabbed whatever he could and held on to it. A hand. Neil's hand._

_When it fully sunk in what he had done, Todd looked up at the wide eyes of the brunette; he couldn't tell if Neil was shocked, relieved or stunned. Whatever it was, it was overthrown by Todd's reaction to his own actions. With a chilling bolt travelling up his body and a warmth building in his stomach, Todd knew that whatever he had just done, he had to do it again. This feeling was new and wonderful and brilliant. He was overcome with his hearts needs and his minds countless tangents, that he hadn't realised how long he had been standing, staring at the boy in bewilderment. With the acknowledgement, he removed his hand with urge and let his feet take him where they really wanted to go; to Charlie's dorm. The ultimate place to let his feelings roam wild._

* * *

"So, you just ran away?" 

"I didn't... I didn't _run away_... I read the room, I let him be." 

"No, Todd, you ran away." 

"I... ye-yeah, maybe I did." Charlie chuckled a fatherly chuckle: he knew Todd could be impulsive, but this was next level. Not only had he grabbed the hand of his crush on a hunch that the boy also felt the loss, but under the threat of his rejection, Todd had ran away from the scene. Charlie only had one wish; that he didn't do something like this as well.

"Well, at least you held his hand." The prankster burst into a fit of laughter, ignoring the pleading whines as he stopped and grabbed the smaller by the shoulders, pulling him up to his side of the bed. He grabbed Todd's blonde head, pulling it onto his chest and stroking at the hair in the most patronising way possible. He wasn't going to let him live this down. Todd knew that. 

In the middle of the mocking affections (which Todd desperately fought off), the door carefully opened and revealed an untidy Knox, his eyes changing from calmness to jealousy within seconds of looking at the entwined pair. 

"H-Hi, Knox." Todd trembled, the last thing he needed was someone else to see his flushed and embarrassed state." 

"Hello." The bluntness of his voice made Anderson's blood run cold. What had he done wrong? Was Knox angry with him? What was he angry with? In the middle of his self-interrogation, he felt a hand slither around his shoulder. He noticed how Charlie's body changed, how he wasn't happy with Knox and how he let Knox know of that. 

When the boy left the dorm in a flurried, confused mess, the two boys turned to one another with equally as baffled looks. Before they could ask each other what they thought that was all about and what the look in Knox's eye meant, when the dinner bell rang- meaning they had to meet with the two boys again under the social restriction that was dinner at Welton. This was going to be great. 

* * *

At the dinner table, the conversation was limited and forced. Not only was it meatball day ( Charlie's favourite, meaning his mouth was otherwise occupied with food) but it was tainted with the previous happenings of the day. In Todd's eyes, the only threat at the table was the way Neil avoided his eyes and stared primarily at his plate in an attempt not to acknowledge the blonde. In Charlie's eyes, the only threat at the table was the way Knox stabbed his fork into his food, twirling the spaghetti with an unfathomable amount of jealousy and frustration. To Neil, his only worry was Todd's seemingly gone appetite, his fork never leaving the plate and never meeting his mouth. To Knox, it was the way Charlie whispered "are you okay" to Todd and the closeness they seemed to have when Todd only responded with a nod. Correction, only had to respond with a nod, for Charlie could read him perfectly. 

The silence, however, was impacting a lot more than the four boys. The awkward air was messing with the group of nerds at the end of the table as they struggled to spark any conversation between the boys. It was like something had happened. Yet another thing to further change the group. Meeks was not ready for this. 

Without any further attempt to end the quietness other than a few comments on the day or the food, Meeks was left to observe. Something that he often relied on Pitts for, but decided that he wanted to crack something on his own, for once. So, as he stared down Pitts, he started to notice things. The way the boy ate with a slight smirk on his face, biting mainly on his back teeth which only made his jaw look more pronounced. He noticed how his thin arms were attached to broad, strong shoulders and how they strained the seams of his blazer. He caught on to how he tapped his fingers when the silence got especially thin and how he let his eyes wander aimlessly when he got lost in thought. In the peak of his staring, Meeks let his eyes wander to the face of Pitts, tracing every feature from afar until he reached the taller boys eyes. They were looking right back at him, in a way that made his forehead sweat and his heart skip a beat. It was the kind of look that made people swoon. The type of glance that tore someone from reality and convinced them of all types of scenarios. Meeks was enchanted. He had been caught in Pitts' web. 

* * *

Knox still wasn't aware of his mistakes. In fact, he had managed to assure himself that his mistakes were in fact the reality of the situation. His eyes made drawings out of the marks in the ceiling, his body growing tired without his mind following suit. Oh, how he longed sleep and how it loathed him. He pondered and pondered why he could be so sleepless. Why his mind was punishing him and what he had done to deserve this bound of insomnia? Then, it struck him.

With every look that Charlie had ever given him, the one he had received earlier was much different. It was one with many layers. The first, anger. The second, confusion. The third, love. Charlie Dalton was in love. But with who? Todd? He wasn't sure, but after what he'd seen today, it wasn't unbelievable. 

Knox remained in his questioning state for hours on end under the disapproving glare of the moonlight. The stars played audience to the boy's obliviousness as he twisted and turned in his bed with the worries running around his mind. But there was one thing for certain; Knox was a mess. _Everyone_ knew that. 


	6. Chapter Six; Dreams Don't Come True Unless You Make Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw this TikTok that said women (especially wlw) have this strong connection to the moon? Strange, but I can't say I disagree. 
> 
> BTW this is really rushed :(

Meeks paced the room worriedly. His roommate had decided to break tradition and shower in the evening, leaving Meeks to deal with the troubles of his mind alone. He was confused, bewildered and, in all honesty, a little bit annoyed. He had tried his hardest to showcase his feelings to Pitts in a subtle-but-obvious manner that allowed the boy to feel comfortable, but Pitts had beat him to it. Pitts, with his holding stare at the Welton dinner table, had wooed Meeks before the smaller even had a chance at doing the same to him. Steven had built up a scenario in his head where he would silently admit his feelings to the boy, but it was all worthless now; for he had practically admitted them across the plates of meatballs. 

Interrupted by the opening of the dorm door, Meeks halted in his quest to wear-in the floorboards and lifted his head to the sight of a lifetime. In all of his days, he had only ever seen young Gerard in Welton attire and pj's, not once had he seen him in a hoodie. And, that was rather logical, for he didn't own one. Or at least, he hadn't brought one from home. Leaving only one possibility; he was wearing Meeks' hoodie. 

The soaking wet hair, the cheeky grin and the towering frame had Meeks weak at his knees (mind you, it could have been the excessive pacing). With this new, domestic view of Pitts in his clothes, Meeks knew he had to do something. He knew that after the intimate look they had shared at dinner, that something had changed, and he would be damned if he let this opportunity slip through his fingers. As of now however, he was still standing deathly still with an open, gobsmacked mouth, staring intently at the taller.

"Erm... Meeks? Are you okay?" _Click. Click._ Pitt's long fingers snapped in front of his face, knocking him out of his love-laced trance. With a weak nod and an unconvincing smile, Pitts let the blonde go with a questioning look. He hadn't seen Meeks like this before, but if he knew anything about him, he knew to let him work it out in his own time. 

It was with this level of understanding, paired with his natural logic, that Pitt's had known to keep his feelings a secret. He knew that if Meeks felt the same, he would want to initiate the romantic aspects on his own terms, so, Pitts took a step back. He accepted Meeks' small acts of kindness and affection, responding to them with similar movements, but nothing too forward to convince the boy of his sharing his feelings. But, Pitts hadn't predicted that he would struggle this much under the growing burn of his heart. With every touch from Meeks, every word whispered, every subtle glance; Pitts pain grew. He longed to elevate their fondness, make it more clear that he was ready for the smaller with every bone of his body. And this, at the peak of his hearts ache, was when Pitts finally let himself cave in, ever-so-slightly. Over the mahogany dinner table, surrounded by their fellow love-sick poets, Pitts had caught the other nerd in his quest to memorise the lanky-ones body. He had followed his stare over his hands, chest and shoulders; muffling a chuckle when he watched the sweet eyes threaten to glance somewhere below the table but realised his obviousness. But then, much to Pitts' surprise, Meeks picked up his courage and looked Pitts in the face. Tracing his lips, nose and cheeks, until he reached his eyes where Pitts trapped him in a fiery gaze. He let his emotions pour out of his blue eyes, entrancing the boy with words that could not be spoken into the polluted air, but instead shown through looks like these and touches of feathery lust. Pitts longed to feel this again, and somehow, he knew Meeks did too.

"I don't think you're fine, but I know you won't tell me why. Have you done your homework for the night?" He pulled Meeks from another enthralling trance that he seemed to be in, Pitts was sure _something_ was up.

"Nothing, Pittsie, nothing. I erm... I've got some Latin, I think. Maybe some Chemistry, I don't kn-know... I've not really checked." _That_ was strange. Meeks not having everything organised? Pitts had either stepped into some alternate universe or something really was wrong. He just couldn't put his finger on it. 

As the blonde stepped towards the seat at his desk, the taller couldn't help himself but follow, placing his arm around the length of Meeks' shoulder. It seemed overtly flirty, something Meeks wasn't used to. He was accustomed to soft touches and small words of encouragement; not blatant moves that one could find in the movies. Yet, regardless of the cliche undertone, he couldn't help himself in enjoying the hot pressure and the way it made his stomach swirl. 

In the heat of the unusual proximity, Meeks let his head turn to look at his best friend who had sat down on the bed with his arm still firmly attached to the broad shoulders. They were so close and yet, he wanted to be so much closer. He wanted to leave no space to breath. He wanted to run the risk of someone walking in and seeing. _Fuck_ , Meeks needed people to see. He needed someone to assure him that if it were to happen, that it wasn't just a dream. 

"Y'know, when you look at me with eyes like that," Pitt's smirked with a new found confidence pouring from him with every word, his eyes locked with Meeks' in a similar way to earlier, but there was an extra layer, "I can't help but think, maybe you want more than this." 

It was true, he did want more. He wanted so much more. But, so did Pitts. He watched as the boys wide eyes looked up at him with an innocence that he knew was fake. He knew Meeks' was also feeling this. His flushed cheeks and heavy breathing were dead giveaways. 

"I-I'm not s-sure wh...what you mean." His eyes faltered, moving from the intense stare of Pitts. 

"Sure, you do. You know what you want, at least. What's stopping you? I'm not." If Pitts could get his face any closer to Meeks', then they would have been kissing- but he knew he had to leave that to the blonde. He fought every instinct he had to take this further, to push Meeks further to his threshold, just so he could feel him that little bit closer. But, in the end, Gerard settled for the next best thing to his friends lips; his jaw. 

"I'd never stop you, y'know." With two soft pecks on the lower line of Meek's jaw, Pitts let the words flow from his mouth in a soft, sultry manner. He wanted a reaction from Meeks. He wanted to know if that worked. If he had just found a sweet spot. 

Meeks had thought about this a lot. The first time he would do something sexual with Pitts. He just never thought it would be started because of an arm over his shoulder. But it spread to so much more. In Meek's dirtily polluted mind, this arm over his shoulder was the start to scenarios that promised so much more. He longed for it. But he couldn't. He was too unsure of himself. 

The only response that Pitts did get, was a blushing, flustered Steven shooting up from his desk chair and reaching desperately for a clean towel. 

"I-I... I'll be back."

"Where are you going?"

"Shower."

"D-don't you go in the mornings?"

"I... I just need to..." 

With that, the pair were separated. A sexually frustrated Meeks travelling hurriedly to the bathroom, leaving a confused, worried Pitts to consider if he had gone to far or not. There was a difficulty in being friends with your crush; if you stepped the line, you also lost a friend.

* * *

"Aaaaaaah!" The scream bellowed throughout the halls of Welton. The type of screech that wakes up the heaviest of sleepers (Neil included). In a questioning glance at his roommate, Neil seemed to ask _'what the fuck was going on,_ ' but, he was sooner answered than expected. With a rushed, excited demeanor, Charlie burst through the door of their dorm and looked desperately for a place to hide. 

"Charlie....Charlie!" His first attempt failed as the troublesome teen scurried to hide under Todd's bed, his second attempt worryingly loud and threatening to Charlie's hiding spot, hence why he got an answer. 

"What!" 

"What the _fuck_ have you done now?" 

"Just a little 'welcome home' present for our Cameron, nothing much. Just a can of cream and an extra tickly feather." Todd gave him a concerned, questioning look. Cream? In the dorms? How had he gotten that?

"You... where did you get cream from? Isn't that like... against the school rules?" 

"Won a bet with the cook, he owed me one." Anderson chuckled, of course Charlie had won a bet with the school chef, he was just that type of guy. 

In the midst of their conversation and Charlie's attempts to fit his broad shoulders into the narrow space that was underneath Todd's bed, Cameron burst through the door in an anger filled flurry. His hair, face and chest were all covered completely in cream that threatened to drip from his scowling face and onto the dorm carpet. Without a second passing by or a slight hesitation, the gingers hands wrapped around the ankles of Dalton, yanking him out from his ingenious hiding spot. 

"I swear to God, Dalton, I'm going to make you pay for this."

"Not if you can't catch me." With that the brunette released himself from Cameron's grip and bolted for the next dorm on his list of safety. 

Watching in awe at the messy pair that sprinted out of their dorm, Neil and Todd were left in the comfortable silence of each other. They were both weighed down by the need to sleep, emphasised by the paired bed-heads they both sported; but they couldn't go to sleep. They had to get ready, go to classes, get food and then go back to bed. The cycle of Welton. Classes, food, bed. The same weekday. Over and over again. But, something had changed. In the fuzziness of early-morning wakeness, they had both failed to remember the previous days occurrences. And, like a truck, it hit them both.

The hands. The stare. The separation. 

With the reminder, the two sprouted from their beds with dire need to escape the suddenly suffocating room- they needed out. And if school was that way out, so be it.

* * *

The slam of Knox's dorm door woke him from his pleasant, well-needed slumber. He had had a maximum of 3 hours, but who could blame him after what he had seen the other day; his heart was a mess. The sudden deafening noise filled his ears and caused him to turn around in his bed to seek some sort of buffer for the slam. 

Unlike Todd's bed, Knox had no space underneath his. He was the type of guy to keep a lot of things but like to keep them out of sight until he needed them- therefore, Charlie had no place to hide. The closet that Welton provided barely fit Knox's clothes let alone the addition of Nuwanda. And he couldn't leave. He had already stormed into Meeks' and Pitt's room after the Anderperry abode. This was his last resort. 

In an act of disparity, Charlie sucked in an embarrassed breath and lifted Knox's covers. 

"What are you doing?" 

"I-I need to h-h-hide from Cameron." ... the silence around them was cold and uncomfortable, but Knox softened it with a knowing chuckle as he pieced the pieces together. The screaming and shouting that had played as background music to his sleep were the shouts and screams of Charlie and Cameron; a chase produced by the malicious need Charlie had gained to prank the ginger. This wasn't an unusual occurrence, but it was the first time in a while that Nuwanda had came to Knox for safety- a lot had changed between them since then. 

As he lifted his arm to engulf and hide the smaller, he realised his situation. Not only was he topless and sweaty from the unbearable heat of his dorm, but he was wearing only boxes. His lower half less covered than Charlie could deal with. In the process of hiding Nuwanda, Knox had to put as much of himself over the smaller as he could. Chest to chest. Face to face. Everything touching. Even their breaths intertwining. One move and Knox could ruin their friendship, or have one hell of a morning. 

"It's... uh... It's been a while since we've done this."

"You make it sound like we're hooking up, Knoxious."

"I-I... uh." He laughed it off, not sure what to answer with. He was so sure that Charlie also felt the growing need to move closer or do something to alleviate the growing lower strain, but he wasn't ready to take that risk. Not after he had seen him with Todd. Not after he had upset him like that. 

They stayed there for what seemed like hours but was really only 10 minutes, until the bell rang to wake up and Knox was forced to release the boy. Much to his dismay. 

* * *

Classes. Classes. Classes. If you thought public school classes were boring, then you hadn't been to Welton. Neil had convinced himself that the name for private school was code between teachers that only the most mundane, dull professors were to be hired there. That of course was only true for every teacher there, other than Mr Keating. Before his class started, Mr Keating was often gifted with the presence of Neil Perry and his sad eyes. The two had kept it an unspoken rule that during free periods that they both shared, that Neil would wander up to Keating's office and share a one-on-one talk. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad; always something personal. He had started to wonder if the boy was using this as some type of therapy or way of release, his reliance on Keating welcomed but growingly concerning. 

In the last few meetings, however, something had changed. Their usual conversations of Neils' father and his 'tough love' had morphed into talks about romance and the 'key to someone's heart'. Not only was this something Keating felt the boy should have known (wasn't it natural to have an inclination towards love at his age?) but it was taking a surprising turn. 

John's observation skills had kept him above the rest in everything he had done. He read in between the lines by habit, inspecting everyone with loving, soft stares as he read them inside-out. However, he had always had issue reading Neil. No matter how much he prodded and prodded at him, there was always a big metal boundary in between Keating and the true pain in Perry's heart. But, he had finally caught a break in his case. Neil never mentioned pronouns. Whilst Keating had guiltily assumed that Neil's consistent visits to Henley Hall had resulted in him finding a girl to like, he had never considered the possibility that it might have been a guy. In hindsight, it made much more sense. Not only had Neil always been awkward with any mention of woman or loving them in class, but his eyes had always shot to one person in particular. The only person who broke down those big metal boundaries with ease. Todd Anderson. 

"Son," Neil's eyes lifted with a concerned look, he hated when people called him that, but he would let it slide; it was Mr Keating after all. "Is there something you'd like to tell me?" _Shit_. Was he really that obvious? What he really that gay that even Keating knew? Damn. 

"I... Yeah, I mean... I like... _guys_." 

"I know."

"Huh?"

"I didn't mean... Neil, I didn't mean 'do you need to tell me you're gay,' I meant, who's the object of your affections?" Neil folded. His cheeks ran red, his eyes looking to another part of the room, his heart dropping. He knew. Keating knew. Did that mean Todd knew? Neil couldn't risk that. 

"I can't tell you. But I think you already know.... it's just- why does it have to be so hard? Why can't he see that everything I do is my way of showing him that I love him? Sometimes, I stay awake at night and try and put myself in his shoes, wondering if I would have noticed such obvious signs. I mean, what else can I do? Yesterday, he grabbed my hand in the middle of the hall and my heart- oh, my heart- it couldn't control itself. I could tell that h-he was struggling to come to terms with what-what he had done, so I squeezed his hand. Was that the right thing to do? Was I being too forward?" Neil landed his speech with a pleading stare up at his fatherly teacher. The only person he was yet to feel comfortable enough to speak to about this.

"If you have lead by the heart, Neil, then I believe you have done nothing wrong. Nothing impure or unholy can be born from a heart so clean." 

* * *

Knox spent every hour reminiscing in the heat that lingered over his body. He missed the boy being so close, missed the way he could memorise his features so up close. But, he knew it was a once in a blue moon occurrence. He and Charlie's relationship would need patching up before they could return to that level of comfort, but for that to happen, Knox would have to lose his feelings- something he was struggling to do. 

In the five classes that he had with Nuwanda, he had either been too far away to talk to him or ushered to be quiet by his teachers; he was hitting a dead end. All he wanted to do was ask Charlie to come to his dorm after dinner and he hadn't even had a chance to let the words leave his mouth. He wasn't sure exactly why he wanted him there. Whether it was because he just wanted him there for company. Or to regain their closeness. Or, least likely, to confess. 

The odds weren't in Knox's favour today as the bell rung for the end of classes and he still hadn't invited Charlie over. He was fed up. Did the Universe always have to act against his wishes? What had he done to deserve this? 

* * *

Somehow, the Welton dinner table had become the breeding ground for the Dead Poets' romantic breakthroughs. Yet again had another dinner been plagued with the unbearable silence that was undoubtedly caused by the love-filled strain that poisoned the group. Neil was too engulfed in his own thoughts to realise how Todd and Charlie were perched close together, whispering to each other about God-knows-what. But Knox, he wasn't privileged like Neil. He couldn't switch off like that. He couldn't ignore what was going on. He just couldn't. 

The pathetic attempts at conversation from Richard and Steven were lost in the painfully awkward stares at their partners, wasting their Dinner time swirling around their food and wallowing in the array of hurting hearts. Knox had had enough of all of this. All of this silence. Silence plagued by the romantic, intimate whispers that were shared by Charlie and Todd just inches away from him. He was fed up of torturing himself having to listen to the abrahasive laughs of Charlie followed by the delicate giggles of Todd. He hated them for being so happy. So he told them, 

"Can you two stop." All of the poets' eyes shot up, glancing between the huddled pair and the fuming Knox.

"Stop what, Knoxious?" How could he still be happy? How was he smirking when Knox was so blatantly irritated.

"Stop whispering in his ear like he's your boyfriend. Stop isolating yourself's from us. And for fucks sake, stop sitting so goddamned close!" Neil had finally observed the proximity of the two and how the sight of them made his heart pang with jealousy. He had to admit, he agreed with Knox. 

"You sound jealous, Knox, do you want to join in?" 

"Oh _fuck_ off Charlie." With that, the bell rang. Thank _God_. 

* * *

On his walk back up to the dorm, Charlie had let the occurrence settle in his mind. He couldn't tell if Knox was _really_ jealous or just fed up of the blanket of awkward that had recently suffocated their group. Whatever it was, he didn't like it. He was so sure that after the morning they had had, they were closer than they had been for a long time- apparently he was wrong.

Never had he felt so pushed away by Knox. He was usually the one the romantic ran to for advice or comfort. Now, it was all different. Charlie couldn't help but curse his feelings for ruining their relationship. How could he be so careless as to let them get in the way? As he turned the corner to get to his dorm, he felt a tightening around his collar as he got pulled into someone else's dorm. 

"Hey hey hey, you could just ask instead of getting kinky!"

"Oh shut up, Dalton." He made eye contact with the boy who had grabbed him. Overstreet. Tossled and still fuming. His eyes a red mess, tears threatening to fall as his soft, hurt feature buttered up Charlie's heart. Why was he hurting? Who did Charlie have to hurt for hurting his Knox? 

"I have to ask you, do you do it on purpose?" 

"I- I'm sorry. I... I am not following."

"Do you act close to him to make me hurt? Because its working. I thought I had you when you danced with me in that cave but the hurt I felt when I walked in on you two yesterday and the way you chose him over me, was I reading you all wrong? Was I?" With every exclaimed statement, Knox walked forward, closing Charlie in on the wall. He had to make sure the boy heard him. He had to hear every single word. "Because today, after this morning, I can't go on without knowing where you stand. _Please_. Put me out of my misery." They were so close. So close that Knox swore he could feel Charlie's heart pounding. 

In all of the fucked-up, unholy dreams that Charlie had had of the other boy pinning him up against the wall- Todd Anderson had never been the reason it. In fact, it had never been jealousy that fuelled the sexual tension in his dreams. But, now that he was experiencing it, he couldn't deny what it added. The way that Knox was practically confessing and the way he done so with his body pressing Charlie against the harshly-cold wooden door. It was like he was living out one of his fantasies. His heart raced with the sudden rush of dirty scenarios filling his mind. 

Knox could feel him. He could feel him squirming under his gaze, moving his lower half ever-so-slightly. But Knox noticed. He noticed it all. The way Charlie's eyes were deeper than usual, the flicker of his lashes when Knox got too close and the way his hands had naturally reached for Knox's neck. It was enough to make Overstreet forget the reason he brought Charle into his dorm. Now, all he could think of was how close they were. Where they were touching. Where they weren't yet touching. It was a whirlwind of dreams that was pleasantly interrupted by Charlie's movements. 

Without trust with his words to speak for him, Charlie took matters into his own hands. He grabbed the sides of that idiots face and connected them both. He had done it. He was kissing Knox. 

* * *

Todd was shaken up to say the least. He had no idea what he had done to upset Knox so much. 1st, the way he treated him in Charlie's dorm. And now, this new anger he had for how close he and Charlie were? Todd searched his brain for an answer or a hint- but he found nothing. He hadn't deliberately tried to hurt Knox. Regardless, his heart still hurt. He wanted, more than anything, for their group to go back to normal; yet, it seemed that was never going to happen. His body was trembling, Knox's voice repeating over and over again in his head as he perched himself by the window. 

He was lost in the view, missing the opening and closing of the door as Neil walked into the room. Without a word between them, Neil knew what was wrong. He had watched as Todd shrunk back into his chair as Knox pelted his words at Charlie. He knew that this was going to impact Todd, and he hated Knox for it. But still, he understood where it came from. He may be characteristically oblivious, but he wasn't completely without the ability to observe. He had seen the sudden closeness of the two. The way Todd was suddenly out of the dorm more than usual. The way Charlie felt more comfortable being himself in front of Todd. It was unsettling, the thought that Todd and Charlie might be together. 

Neil wasn't usually a jealous guy. Hell, he didn't mind the fact that Todd was now close to Charlie. It was that Todd didn't talk about it to him. Whatever happened to either of the boys, they always told the other- no matter what. This new, unseen side of Todd was giving Neil the doubts. It was making him jealous. The very thought of Charlie taking away his Todd and removing any chance he would ever have; it broke his heart. To think of missing out on his soft, secret smiles or his quiet, hidden giggles; it sounded like a life not worth living. Yet, if it was the truth, Neil wouldn't do anything about it. They were both his best friends, he just wanted them to be happy. Even if it made his blood boil. 

With these feelings brewing in his chest, Neil knew he had to make his actions more obvious. He had to start showing Todd how he felt instead of relying on Todd to pick his hints up. So, as the opportunity presented itself, he wrapped his arms around the boy, placing his head on his shoulder; they were watching the sky together. He hadn't expected such a calm reaction. Let alone, the welcoming movements. Todd pushed back on him, his head resting on Neil's. To say that Neil's skin felt like it was pleasantly on fire, was an understatement. The heat of Todd against him and the intimacy in which they both stared at the moon and her stars, it was like a dream. In the spot light of the moonlight, Neil knew that he had made the right decision in making this move. This was a turning point. And Mr Keating was _definitely_ hearing about this. 


	7. Chapter Seven; Late Night Kiss... Denied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the kiss with Knox backfires, Charlie finds himself crying in the arms of Todd Anderson and hushed by Richard Cameron. However, if he thought the kiss had an awful aftertaste, he wasn't ready for bitterness of the miscommunication between him and Knox that was meant to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this one :)) (the poem is by Housman)

To sleep peacefully at night was a privilege that never usually reigned over Neil Perry’s head, but that night, it hung like a crown. His bed had transformed into one of the clouds within the sky, drifting peacefully in the breeze surrounded by the beauty of the night. He felt the warmth of the blanket above him hugging his body tightly as he dreamed of the occurrences of that earlier day. The way his and Todd’s bodies melted in with each other’s, creating a balance between them that worked so perfectly together. He felt at home at that moment. He felt like he had concurred something monumental. Something life-changing. As if that physical connection with the boy he loved was the key to his eternal happiness.

Happiness. Something Neil thought he was born with a deficiency of. Constantly filled with artificial variants of it, but hardly ever with the real thing. Until he met Todd. The minute he walked into the dorm, Neil’s plastic-pumped heart was revived and started circulating something real for once. Then, when he held Todd like that underneath the protection of the stars, he felt the faucet of happiness forever hold open. There was no way that Neil could ever be unhappy with the memory of that night. Even the tiniest snippets of it made his heart pound with joy.

Neil woke up on the right side of the bed, opening his eyes and adjusting to the light from outside before looking over at the boy. He was so ready to see that rosy-cheeked, smiling face looking back at him. If he could wake up with that sight every day for the rest of his life, then he would forever be happy. But he wasn’t there. Todd wasn’t there. Where could he be? Why had he left? Was it because of the night before? In the rambling of Neil’s mind, the door swung open with a delicacy that only Todd could behold, yet still managing to hit off the cabinet by accident. His face was downturned, something melancholy that didn’t seem personal but like a second-hand type of upset. Neil couldn’t think of who it was until Todd said why he had left.

“I- I was wi-with Charlie...”

“Is he okay? What’s going on?” Neil wasn’t thrilled that Todd had been with him. He trusted them both, obviously, but he felt as if something was being kept from him. As if Todd felt more comfortable sharing something with Charlie than with him; he just wanted to know if something was wrong. But if Todd was getting the help he needed, then he didn’t really mind.

“It’s... It’s some boy issues. Something- Something happened last night, some... some stuff might be a little different today.” It sounded so domestic. To hear Todd talking of their day as if it had some casual routine that they stuck to voluntarily that was to be broken by this thing that had happened last night. Neil tried to ignore the burning of excitement that coursed his veins as he took in what Todd had said. Something had happened with Charlie and a boy last night. Hadn’t he heard something from Knox’s room last night? No, that couldn’t be right. He just hoped his friend was okay.

“Okay, well, as long as he’s as okay as he can be.”

“Y-Yeah.”

* * *

Charlie wasn’t as okay as he could be. In fact, he was dealing with this in the worst possible way. He had joked, after Todd’s awkward run-away from his handholding with Neil, that he would never run away if such an opportunity had arisen- he was wrong. He would run away. In fact, he would do more than just run away. When the lips of his wishful lover attached to his own, Charlie felt the world of colours before his eyes. It was more than he had hoped. So much more, that he didn’t know how to react. He was embarrassed, shocked, confused. He had kissed Knox but, he still wasn’t sure.

In the height of the kiss, the words that Knox had sported before the attachment danced around Charlie’s mind. Had he thought Charlie and Todd were a thing? Was he hoping that Charlie and Todd were a thing? Did he wish that Charlie had never done this? Now, after the thoughts embedded themselves like a parasite in Nuwanda’s mind, the kiss started to seem... off. Knox’s reply to his move was late, delayed and hesitant. His touch on Charlie was cautious, surprised and... and almost forced. He had convinced himself that he had put Knox in a position that he didn’t want to be in. After all, he didn’t seem in the mood earlier on when he was screaming at Charlie across the table at dinner. But, if it had been a stranger looking upon the two at this very moment, it would be extremely clear which of the two was being awkward; Charlie.   
  


He had shocked himself to the extent that he didn’t know what to do with his body. His hands still wrapped around the back of Knox’s neck but more stiffly. His legs and spine were as straight as a ruler. His face was barely moving or responding to the kiss that Knox was putting his all into. So, when Charlie pushed the taller off of him and whispered an ashamed “sorry” before running out of the dorm door, Knox was logically blaming himself.   
  


Not only had he caused a fight with Charlie only a moment before but he had practically forced the kiss to escalate past the point it was meant to. He had tried to restrain his hands from moving but the more he kissed, the more he realised Charlie was kissing back and the less he remembered the previous ten minutes. He had always asked himself if he was taking things too far, too quickly with Charlie, his answer to this situation- yes.   
  
Knox watched in pain as his love ran away, his eyes filling with tears uncontrollably. The romantic one of the group had yet again been struck wrongly by the bow of Cupid. He was tired of being infatuated with people he had no chance with. His heart was too hurt to go through with it again. He just wanted someone to love him back.   
  


* * *

Charlie ran instinctively to the Anderperry dorm: he needed, more than anything, to hear the logic of Todd Anderson. On arrival at the large door, he tried his best to wipe off the tears that were soaking his cheeks before knocking lightly on the outside. He wished that he had done this all differently, that he had waited and listened to Knox after the kiss, but it was too late now.   
  


“Hello- Charlie!” A sleepy Todd was quickly awakened by the sobbing boy, pulling himself from the dorm and holding Charlie’s shoulders until they reached his dorm door. Upon entry, they were hushed by Cameron, who immediately turned on some music and drowned them out beyond his headphones.   
  


With caution and grace, Todd sat with Charlie on the bed, his arms holding him strongly to ensure he knew that he was there.   
  


“what- what’s wrong?” Todd had an inkling as to who the culprit was, he just didn’t know why.   
  


“I kissed Knox.”   
  


“well? Is that not a g-good thing? O-o-or did something go wrong?” 

"How could it be good, Todd? I practically forced him to do it. He was going on at me before and.... and-and he... he started closing in on me and I just thought 'now, do it now.' How couldn't I? But then... then he hesitated. Almost like he was doing it to make me feel okay for doing it. I don't need his pity. I just need to get out of this mindset. How can I love someone who doesn't love me back? I'm so fed up." Todd felt like the words were pouring from his own heart. Although he and Neil had shared that moment, he wasn't prepared to let go of all of the other red flags. He wasn't ready to forget how easy it was for them to avoid each other after the handhold. Or the party, for that matter. He couldn't help but wonder if even in the most romantic seeming moments, he was reading the room wrong. What if Neil was just a little more touchy with him? They were roommates, after all. 

"I- Are you... sure that it wasn't reciprocated?" Todd had been watching the two since the dance during the party. It was obvious to him that something was reciprocated, even if Charlie was evidently feeling it in a more amplified manner. However, he was sure he wasn't going to convince Charlie of this. Charlie was stubborn. He, even if the evidence was in his favour, couldn't comprehend something like this until it was right in front of him. Todd knew that to stop his hurting, he was going to have to start working from the other side; he was going to speak with Knox. 

* * *

Knox was devastated. He had dreamt of their first kiss so many times that he thought he had conjured up every possible conclusion. He had thought of them getting together. He had thought of it being innocent and steamy. He had dreamt of it being unrequited. But, out of all of the conclusions he had thought up, Charlie apologising wasn't one of them. 

In the minutes after the rejection, the pain settled in his heart and was replaced by a toxic disgust. How could he? Had he just lost Charlie forever? Why couldn't he just keep himself to himself? And, to top it all off, Charlie had run straight to Todd. If the cuddling on the bed wasn't confirmation enough, this definitely was. 

After piecing it all together, Overstreet realised the situation he was in. The sorry wasn't an apology for running away, it was an apology for doing it in the first place. What if Charlie and Todd were together and Charlie was disappointed in himself for caving in? What if they weren't together but Charlie did fancy Todd? What if, they turned against him for this? He had a feeling Charlie wouldn't but, what if the awkwardness drew him to isolation from the poets? What if this caused Knox to be sent out? He had put too much on the line. He shouldn't have done it. 

In the late-night, under the sighing stars, Knox tried his hardest to sleep. He counted sheep, listened to music, and tried to create scenarios in his mind. But every scenario he came up with involved Charlie. Everything that seemed positive was bordered in a chestnut mop of hair that just seeped its way into anything and everything Knox did. Everywhere he went, Charlie was there. Or at least, a part of him was. So, as he sat and stared at the ceiling, Knox drowned under the suspicions that his parasitic mind had conjured up. He had heard Charlie knock on Todd's door, heard them shuffle to the door of charlie's and then never heard him leave. Had he stayed the night? Had they done anything? Were they talking about what had happened?

Too soon and yet too late did the morning arrive. He had wished that the sun would never rise above the threshold of the world so he wouldn't have to face Charlie again, but he also wanted this painful night to just be over. He had spent too long rubbing the tears away from his eyes, leaving his cheeks with red marks running down the centre. He was obviously sleep-deprived, from the way he walked to the way his eyes were sitting on the largest, darkest sleeping bags that had ever been seen. He was evidently heartbroken, anyone could see the way he moped and avoided a certain someone's line of sight. 

Under the watchful eye of Todd Anderson, Knox and Charlie stayed adequately apart for the entire day. It was clear that there was something that was to be said between the two, but they wouldn't say it to each other during school, so neither thought it was necessary to endure that extra layer of pain that came with being near each other in class. But, that didn't stop their hearts sending achingly sharp pains throughout their body whenever the other was within eyesight or even knowingly close. Knox didn't think the school could get any worse, apparently, it could. 

Dinner was delayed. Something had happened at the soccer match the school had held today, leaving the school in a state of distress. Therefore, the boys had more time to do whatever they wanted before having dinner and then having the poets meeting that night. Knox, if not recently plagued by the current situation, would have been elated with this development to this day- but he wasn't. More time alone meant more time to contemplate the mess that the day had been before facing the ultimate difficulty which was the meeting that was set to commence that night. The day had been horrific. Knox had walked into the bathroom after stepping grudgingly out of bed with puffy, red cheeks, only to be met with Charlie. Brushing his teeth. With a glance at the taller, Nuwanda had spat out his toothpaste and evacuated the situation before it escalated. Knox was left alone. Again. During the classes they shared, Knox had fought the urge to turn and look back at the boy, feeling the burning eyes on the back of his neck. Between the classes, in the maze of corridors, Knox had felt himself nearing the boy, like he was drawn to him naturally, the feeling of tearing himself from the path he was so used to taking was like ripping away a piece of himself. 

In the middle of his painful reminiscing of the day, a knock on his door could be heard. It was small and barely heard, but sent a shiver down Knox's spine. Was it Charlie that was so nervously tapping on his door? Was it him coming to apologise for the night before? Was he coming to put an end to everything? With a shaking hand and trembling legs, he stumbled to the door and opened it with caution. But it wasn't Charlie. It was Todd. 

"W-W-We need to talk, Knox." 

* * *

"So, what's going on?" Todd had stayed silent for a couple of minutes whilst they both situated themselves on Knox's bed. They hadn't ever been that close, mainly just two friends of two friends. But now, they were connected through something different. Something that seemed wonderful on the outside, but was so rugged and hurtful on the inside. Love. 

The two were opposites. That was clear. Todd was a quiet, breathtaking beauty that one could write and read poetry to without fear of judgement. He seemed like a soft lover, someone you could rely on in the most niche of situations, mainly because they were just so good at listening. Knox was more than that. Too much more. He was loud, hyper and in some ways, too intense a lover. He often felt as if he was suffocating his lovers with the way he wanted to show them how he felt. He just wanted to show them how much they were loved. Yet, it always came across wrong. He could never express love in the way he manifested it. This was an example of how it could go wrong. 

"You... you need to sort some stuff out. I-I know what happened... with Charlie. You both n-need to talk. Y-you need to show each other how you feel." In the most poetically confusing way, Todd left. Leaving Knox with this confusing statement. He wasn't catching on to what Todd meant. He had to talk to Charlie? That much was obvious. He had to show his feelings? Why? What had Todd heard? 

Just in time to interrupt Knox's pathway of thought, the dinner bell rang. Half an hour late. Did that not sum up the day? If that didn't, then the fact that Knox chose to wallow over his feelings rather than eat, should give the idea of the mess that had been created. 

* * *

Knox hadn't shown up to dinner. He was also late to the meeting. What had Charlie done? Had he really hurt him that bad? Was Todd right? No, there was no way that Knox enjoyed that. The delay. The hesitation. It was obvious that Overstreet wasn't as open to the idea as Charlie was. If it wasn't evident when the kiss had been occurring, then the aftermath was enough to convince Charlie of his mistake. The way that Knox avoided him like the plague. The way he hadn't turned to look at him in class. The way he hadn't eaten with them at dinner. And now, the way he had abandoned the group all because of Charlie. 

The moon was still high in the sky, her watchful eye peering down at the accumulation of love-struck, dumb boys who couldn't untangle the strings of their hearts. She was disappointed, but not surprised. She had played audience to how Todd and Neil couldn't openly speak about their affections. She had watched Pitts and Meeks also struggle to admit the void between them. But, her biggest upset, was when Know and Charlie failed at speaking about theirs. All of the others were so close to admitting everything, but Charlie and Knox had always been rather temperamental. They were both fiery. Both stubborn. Both ignorant when it came to their own feelings or obvious signs of affections. She had no idea how it was going to start, but she knew the relationship would be beautiful. She couldn't wait. 

"I... I'm sorry guys, it's my fault Knox isn't here."

"N-No Charlie, y'know it isn't."

"Wait, why would it be?" Meeks, the oblivious soul that he is, questioned the brunette. 

"I...I-" As he debated whether or not to let everything out into the air, footsteps echoed throughout the cave. He knew who was there. He would usually feel a rush of excitement to lay eyes on that wonderful face, but now it was just fear. Fear of rejection set in stone. He was terrified of Knox's real reaction. The one that was formed in words that left no room for discussion. He couldn't deny Knox's real opinion on the kiss. But he could deny the memories he had that proved him wrong. 

"I'm sorry for being late. I... I had some things to do." Their eyes locked and never split until Knox sat on the rock beside Cameron, where his drifted to Todd and pleaded for reassurance. Knox had finally understood what the boy had meant. He meant to take a chance and come clean about his feelings. But he didn't know how. He was unsure. 

The entirety of the first Thoreau passage and the following couple of poems, Knox was left to contemplate what to do. Did he admit his feelings now? Did he wait? Did he try and smooth things over first? He was unsure. But he was certain he had to do something. He was fed up of being emotionally flattened by his overbearing feelings for the boy. He just wanted to be free from it. Whether that meant freely loving him, or freely grieving the love that just couldn't be. 

As the meeting seemed to come to a close with the last of the poems, Todd stood and declared that he had one to recite. They were shocked, of course, but diluted their surprise as they knew it would unease him. He was growing within their group, and they weren't about to halt that. 

"B-Because I liked you better

Than suits a man to say...  
It irked you, and I promised  
To throw the thought away...

T-To put the world between us

We parted, stiff and dry;  
‘G-Good-bye,’ said you, ‘forget me.’  
‘I will, no fear’, said I …" Everyone's eyes met the boy they most associated this with. Todd met Neil's with a sense that they knew, they just couldn't find the words. Pitt's met Meek's with an undertone of "I'm worried you feel this way about me." Knox met Charlie's was the knowledge that they both knew they had to release the tension in their chests. 

The group walked back to their dorms in deafening silence, their acknowledgements of the changes that had been made in the group weighing down any chance of conversation. Meeks was so ready to talk about how he blamed that cave for changing everything. For being the real issue behind the dynamic switching. But he knew that he was wrong. No matter where they would have been, this would have happened. They were the issue. Them and their uncontrollable hearts. 

In the sitting of Meeks' and Pitt's dorm, they smiled and laughed with each other. They were comfortable. In the arms of one and other. But only if they both acknowledged or pretended that it was platonic. 

Charlie and Knox were separated by walls but silenced by their hearts. They had to talk. They both knew that. 

Todd and Neil were in a different situation. It was obvious that the poem was Todd's way of telling Neil. Neil just had to tell Todd. 


	8. Chapter Eight; To Live Is To Love, But Does That Even Exist?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In essence, the meaning of love is subjective, but Neil knew that it was more than what his parent's had loosely labelled their relationship. He was on the search for love when he found Todd. But can he trust himself not to be like his father? Can he trust himself not to resort to his family's close-minded ways? Can he be himself or is he cursed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so busy so this might be absolute trash, but what else would you expect?

_May I love you how I want to or am I limited by what I know?_

_I_ _don't_ _want to be like him, but_ _what's_ _in the blood never leaves, they say..._

The words were on paper, in pencil, so they could easily be erased. But, as the heart is textured like cement, it would stay forever. He would always carry the guilt of having an instinct that resembled his father's. An instinct to shame or control things to fit in the boundaries of a toxic, confusing society; an inkling that often allowed him to be the victim. From an outside perspective, Neil was nothing like his father. He resembled his mother, with her temperament and ease, her fragile characteristics translating into his heartful openness. But, to someone close to Neil, like Charlie, the voice inside Neil's head couldn't sound any more like Mr Perry if it tried. It was like a plague in the ribbons of Neil's brain; a constant reminder that he could never escape the past of which he was so mercilessly brought up in. He was thankfully provided solace in the fact he had never acted upon the suggestions from the dreadful inner voice on anyone other than himself, but that didn't mean he wasn't _ever_ going to. 

An aspect that terrified Neil was love. Love was this mysterious word that somehow had piled an impressive collection of meaning in the teen's short life. It was just so damn subjective. What it meant to him; it might not mean to someone else. Similarly, he might be giving someone else the wrong impression without comprehension of his actions or atmosphere. But what was worse than him not knowing, was the other person not picking up his signals. Confirmation might have been supplied subtly based on the poem and the sudden intimacy of looking up at the stars, but that wasn't enough for someone who was convinced their love would turn sour. Neil needed Todd to consent to love him openly, for Neil couldn't come clean to him without that and without coming clean, Neil couldn't love Todd the way he wanted to. 

The only example that Neil had of love, as many youths do, was his parents. For years, he inspected them and tried to figure out why their relationship never made him feel love. It never screamed affection or attraction. It only ever begged for convenience, and on a good day, it barely achieved that. So, he had no idea what love was even meant to look like. He spent hours researching it, watching cheesy rom-coms, and reading romance novels. He even tried to ask his teacher about it when he reached peak desperation. However, it wasn't until he started looking for love in the form of a person that it all made sense. Todd Anderson. The poet, the wordsmith, the genius. The type of unexplainable beauty that can only be understood in comparison to a field of flowers bathed in a golden sunrise; even then, Todd came out on top. He was the embodiment of love. Nothing artificial. Or measured on a basis of added benefits. He was what made Neil feel like he had never experienced anything horrible or felt the dragging misery of emotional neglect. Todd was the key to the new life that Neil had begged the stars for. He was what made Neil what he was. 

But there's always a catch. With the freeness and liberty that Todd provided, Neil couldn't help his inner voice convincing him that he was being fed a packet of idealistic lies. Nothing with Todd felt real and that felt wonderful until the poisonous logic poured through his fantasy. His father's implanted voice of manufactured logic was what drew him to the conclusion that loving Todd would only end in tragedy. Todd wanted to live a life that was easy and indulgent in everything emotional and heartfelt. Neil wanted that too. God, he craved that type of living. But his inner voice wanted a stable job with a steady income and a life that screamed perfection but hid want. He knew that with Todd he would have to let go of his father's impression on his thoughts. But it felt so permanent. As if Neil were holding it captive in his mind but it was inevitable that one day it would burst out of the bars and ruin everything. That's why he needed Todd to be sure. He needed Todd to be there if he was going to go through with the opening of that cage to get that damned voice before their love was tainted with the words of Mr Perry's insight. 

"What are you writing?" He sounded so small. As if he had been audience to the rant within Neil's mind for the past ten minutes. As if he knew the junction that Neil had reached in his life where he chose between the pain that came with freedom or the ache that lined security. 

"I- I'm just writing what I think about. N-Nothing special." 

"Everything you think about is special. Especially if you feel the need to let it out on paper." This was the air that had hung around them for the past two days since the poem. Todd had admitted his feelings through his most known outlet, he was just waiting on Neil doing the same. 

They were so close to being together that it almost hurt to see the other. Neil could feel the pressure that he was meant to live up to- but he didn't know how. Sure, poetry was Todd's outlet and therefore he had admitted his feelings that way; that made sense. But what was Neil's outlet? From what he had concluded, it was Todd. Doting on, calming down and making Todd comfortable was all that Neil needed to let out his feelings. Of course, there was acting. But how could he confess with acting? Read him, Romeo, and Juliet? No, too cheesy. Act out a verse? Not really Todd's thing. Ask him to read lines? That was now too comfortable for them both. Todd would think he was just being friendly. Yet, it was the best answer. Just, how could he make this more special? He knew who to go to. 

* * *

Charlie and Nolan. Two peas in a pod. The best of friends, actually. Closer than Neil and Charlie ever could be. At least, in proximity. As the hardwood hit Charlie's rear and the words "one" left his lips, he regretted everything. Charlie was in trouble- again. This time, much less dramatic than the last, as it was simply a warning for tardiness. Yet, an extreme case it was. Charlie had missed the start of his rowing two weeks in a row, meaning he had to clean up, so he was then late to Chemistry and then he was told to collect books, meaning he was also late for Latin. It was an unbreakable cycle, something that was detrimental to his education and now the skin on his behind, but it wasn't harmful to the awkwardness between him and Knox. 

They hadn't spoken. Surprised? Shouldn't be. They had been 'too busy'. Not to the shock of Meeks was this excuse, but he did make sure that they weren't always busy. With the acknowledgement that Charlie had been blatantly avoiding the other, Meeks had set them up. They were to meet, tonight, in the cave for a 'special meeting'. Knox thought he was meeting up with Neil and Meeks to talk about Latin homework they had due, Charlie thought he, Meeks and Pitts were planning a prank to pull on Cameron. Meeks was just _too_ good at his job as the mother of the group- and he knew it. 

But Charlie had managed to score himself detention, meaning Meek's plan was out the window. He had three hours to come up with a new one. But he knew he could do it. 

He checked his school planner, hoping for an answer to his problems. Next period: Study Hour. _Perfect_. He and Knox, the only ones free now that Charlie was in trouble. Therefore, Meeks could create havoc without any observations from the other poets. This was just too good to be true. 

Within minutes of the mundane silence hitting the energy-drained Knox's ears, he was easily roped into revising Chemistry. Something that Meeks knew a lot about and could easily manipulate to fit his new plan. He just had to convince Knox to do it. 

"But we can't go in, Meeks, the classroom is locked!" His face was painted with confusion, his eyes with a sparkling innocence that Meeks felt guilty betraying. But he knew it was for the best. So, he proceeded with his evil plan. 

"No, no! It's fine, honestly, Pitt's and I can enter whenever we want, I'm sure it's fine if you join this time. Tell you what, if I leave you here to keep trying the handle, I can go and ask for the spare key? Yeah?" It was laced with reasoning, the twisted lie that spilt from his lips. He was going to ensure that Knox got caught, after all, this was the period that prefects wandered around looking for trouble. 

Meeks couldn't help the succeeding grin stretch his mouth as he turned the corner and listened out for the arrival of the prefects and their 'detention-assigning' ability. He let his footsteps fall lighter in anticipation, the jiggle of the handle still ringing in his ears until he heard the infamous "What are you doing?" _Bingo_. 

He let his feet lift and fall with glee, taking himself back to the study room where Hager looked at him with a questioning stare but with a hint of "I don't really care." And thank god he didn't, for Meeks was too excited not to tell the next person who asked. He was just too good at his job. He really was. 

* * *

Charlie was alone when detention started. He was in an old English classroom with windows that faced to a side of the school that he hardly ever paid attention to. But, with this new free time to stare, he found that he was completely infatuated with it. The rolling hills, the open skies, and the abundance of trees. It was what he imagined home to feel like. Something that wrapped him up in a woody, golden scent. 

His illusion was broken by the opening of the door. That couldn't have been an hour? Nolan said he would only come back to retrieve him, and time hadn't gone that quickly. But it wasn't Nolan. Nolan didn't have glossy brunette locks, a strong jawline, or a pair of long legs. He didn't carry himself with a subtle assurance. This was Knox. The unmissable boy was now the only other one in the room that Charlie had managed to bathe in an intimate calmness. He felt like Knox was walking in on something personal. So, he immediately retrieved his staring gaze and pushed it back in the direction of the outside view. 

Knox took a seat in the adjacent row, so they were technically right beside each other. He had walked with timid politeness, dragging his chair, and then sitting firmly in the muteness. Charlie couldn't tell if he had also noticed the masterpiece that nature was creating outside of the window, but he hoped he had. It was a sight that Charlie would forever hold dear to his heart. It was what he believed to be them. This serene, breathtaking sunset, abruptly interrupted by the myriad of trees that sat upon the rowing, endless hills. It was like a pathway to what he wanted. Knox and himself happily together was the golden sky, but Charlie felt as if he was at the top of one of the trees trying hopelessly to grab at any chunk of the picturesque skies. He would get there eventually. If only he had realised that he would have to give something up to get there. Something in the shape of a romantic confession. 

"I- Do- Should we talk?" Knox broke the restless muteness that had blanketed them. Charlie knew it was coming, he should have prepared himself. Here goes nothing. 

"What do you want to talk about?" 

"Don't play dumb, _Nuwanda_." It seemed like he was mocking the other. Like he was trying to push this artificial friendliness in front of Charlie's face like a taunt. Of course, Charlie wanted to get to the bottom of this. But he wasn't ready for it to be this soon. But what in love comes at the right time? Nothing. 

"O-Okay, yes... yes, we should talk." 

"Thank you, okay... so, how- how are you," Knox paused. How did words work again? What was he even trying to say? Knox didn't know. "I... God, I don't know how to say this." 

"Shouldn't you have thought about that before you kissed me?" He knew it was dirty. He knew that it was a mistake to say that. But he just couldn't stop himself. How was it that every time Charlie was allowed to prove himself or escape something, he was always able to make it worse? 

"What!? _I_ kissed _you._ No, no, no. _You_ kissed _me_ , Charlie, not the other way round and you know that." Knox was out of his chair, the energy in the room shifting to a hostile one, causing Charlie to follow in suit. 

"I don't care what you think, Knox, but you seem to have imagined it wrong. You came on to me." _Fuck's_ _sake, Charlie._

With that idiotic statement, something changed. Knox wasn't angry. He was tired. He was exhausted from inspecting his own feelings and observing Charlie's as well. He was frustrated with the way he had to pick up the pieces that they had both managed to lose on the floor every time they allowed their relationship to shatter. He just wanted some assurance. Some closure. 

"Stop, Charlie, just stop. I'm so... I'm so tired of you. Every time I make an advance, you show me what I think to be a sign of reciprocal and I fall for it _every. fucking. time._ When will it stop? When will you admit how you feel? I know that I was also in the wrong, God, it's eating me up inside. But do I deserve this? Do I really need you messing me about like this?" His voice wavered and his hands shook, but he said what he thought needed to be said. He watched as every word sunk into Charlie's skin like acid, the truth hurting his oblivious mind. But Knox didn't care. He needed to know just what was going on and he was going to find out. 

There was a minute of blankness in the room. The echo of Knox's last stern shout hitting off the bare walls. Charlie knew he was right. He just didn't know what to say. He loved Knox but how did he word it? He was too embarrassed to talk about the way the other's eyes enticed him or the intrigue that filled his blood when his body was close. He couldn't mention the way the smile on the cheeks of Knox was like the world lighting up or the negativity leaving the world. All Charlie wanted was to wake up beside the other every morning. 

"I- I don't know Knox." Regardless of the fact they were in detention, Knox left the room. He couldn't stand and look at a boy who didn't know what he felt or how he wanted to show his feelings. Secretly, Knox knew he would wait for the other, but he didn't want Charlie to know that. He needed the boy to tell him, and this might be the only way forward. 

* * *

"Meeks! Meeks... Meeks?" 

No answer. 

"Steven? Steve? Stevie?" 

"Yeah?" _Finally_. 

"What's up? You haven't spoken to me since dinner?" They had been in a symbiont air, doing what they both had to do in the comfort of each other's presence. Pitts had felt fine up until ten minutes ago when he finished his homework and was left without the conversation of Meeks, so he decided to harass the other. 

Steven peeked at the other, "just some stuff for Chemistry, a little busy right now but I can talk in like... twenty minutes?" No. That was too long. Pitts needed attention now. Or God knows what would happen. 

So, as it was obvious Meeks wasn't caving in- Pitts took matters into his own hands. He started with rolled-up sheets of paper, aiming at the centre of Meeks' head as he threw them with pent up boredom. Then, when that received a minute response, he resorted to kicking the bottom of the boys' chair. This earned him a few groans and words of protest, but nothing that sufficed the taller. He just wanted some attention. Was that too much to ask for? 

He then had an ingenious thought. Affection. If there was anything Pitt's had noticed about the smaller, it was his sensitivity to physical contact- especially in the form of flirting. It was a flawless plan. With Meek's back facing him, the brunette picked himself up and wandered about for a second; creating the impression that he was finished bothering the other. But no, he wasn't. He felt like a predator in the wild desert, creeping up to the prey that he so desperately craved. As his steps slowed and gained a sly suggestion, Pitts closed the gap between him and Meeks. He was so close. One more step and- he wrapped his arms around the other, feeling the way the boys' heat soaked his body. 

They were so close. 

So well-fitted. 

But the best part?

He had Meek's attention. 

* * *

Todd felt great. He felt wonderful. He felt spectacular. 

His head was the biggest mess that the world had ever seen. It was the mental interpretation of a desktop with no files and just nameless, scattered documents. He was lost. Even more so when Neil asked him to read some lines with him. It seemed normal at the start. It was something they did often. But there was no play? Not that he had heard of anyway. And he was sure that Neil hadn't mentioned any other theatre in the area having a production. 

Nevertheless, Todd sat on the other's bed as he handed over a copy of a play. It seemed new, maybe there was a play occurring soon? But Todd was so sure he was missing something. Neil was silent- he was never silent. He was shaking and looking everywhere other than Todd. 

"What's going on?" No answer. 

The other boy just shook his head in dismissal and motioned towards the small copy, edging the boy to open the pages. It all seemed so strange. 

Opening the first page, he felt his body stiffen. The words. The print. The position. It was immediately obvious that this wasn't a play. It was a poem. But he read aloud anyway. 

" _May I love you how I want to-"_ Oh. _Oh_. Todd paused, looking up at the scared boy. It all made sense now. There was no production. Just a confession. A confession of Neil's love. 


	9. Chapter Nine; Oh, To Be Young And... Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One relationship succeeds. One seems to be making some moves. One isn't doing too great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had three hours of sleep before trying to write this so it might be absolutely horrific or it might be even worse than that- if that's possible!

John Keating had never been considered normal. He was his generation's Charlie, with a little hint of Neil and a sprinkling of Todd. Confident in what he said, a teacher's favourite and kept himself to himself. He was the obligatory weirdo who was strangely accepted by the majority of those around him, a privilege that he often felt held him above the other obligatory weirdos' of his time. But, as much as he strayed from the norm, there was always one thing that Keating shared with them; a craving for love. He wanted someone there when he woke up, someone there to read poetry to, someone there to lean on when he was just too tired to stand up straight. As it's probably known, finding love as a straight man in the fully male halls of hellton is a hard battle- so Keating often resorted to reading about love to fill the forever growing gap. This left him a self-proclaimed genius in that area; hence why he wasn't shocked that Neil used him as a way to learn about expressing himself romantically. Keating just wished that Neil could tell him who he was trying to impress. 

The hurried, loud knock on the door during his free period was almost expected. Neil had been coming more often, the tension between him and whoever it was, was growing tenfold every day. But, on opening the door, he was met with a less put together, less sane-looking Neil than he was accustomed to. Neil looked a mess. He looked tired. Something had most definitely happened. He motioned quickly for the boy to sit at the desk, pouring tea almost instantly and setting the hot drink in front of the boy. It was now that Keating noticed the play in his hands. It was new and not really well-known for Keating didn't remember the title as something he had ever read. And Keating often prided himself on the extensive array of literature he had read. 

With a fatherly sigh and a comforting gaze, Keating tried to pursue the conversation that Neil was too scared to start. "So, what's happened?" 

The teen's eyes fell. He was embarrassed, a red tinge taking over his neck. He knew how stupid it would sound to say that he was worried after the boy he had crushed on confessed his mutual feelings- but it was becoming a serious worry that was starting to eat away at his mind.

"You- You're going to think... you're going to think I'm being stupid."

"Is it about love?" he was answered with a subtle, ashamed nod. "Boy, there is nothing stupid about being concerned about love. Even after I married my wife, I still got concerns. Am I loving her enough? Am I being enough? Is there anything else I can do to show her how much I love her? So, whatever you're letting run around your mind, it's completely justified." It was like a warm hug knowing that Keating was also one to worry about affections and attractions. To know that someone Neil so frequently looked up to also had such character flaws was something that cooled the burning worry in his stomach. 

"I- He confessed. He read a poem out i-in the meeting and... it was like... it was like his way of telling me."

"But it wasn't enough for you both to move on from that? Is he expecting you to do the same?"

"I-I think so? But I don't know how, for Todd, it was like- obvious he would use poetry to tell me. But what do I do? Reading lines is too platonic for us and I can't write poetry!" John chuckled, Neil hadn't realised he had let the name slip- but he wasn't going to let him get away with it. Keating had been waiting for ages to hear about this boy, and he was more than excited to hear it was his own prodigy- Todd Anderson. 

"Ah, so that's who it is? Todd Anderson. The poet." Neil couldn't have turned a darker red if he tried. He wasn't meant to let Keating know- but that was out of the bag now. He just nodded, pliant and scared of the reaction. Todd was Keating's favourite after all.

"Well, I would say I hadn't seen it coming- but I'm not blind," a chuckle left his lips, he had never felt more like a father giving his son the talk than in this moment, but he knew that Neil couldn't trust Mr Perry, so he went ahead. "I think- considering the conundrum that you have found yourself at- then the best way to go, is for the middle ground."

"What do you mean?" 

"I'll show you." And with that, the confession was planned. Simple, not too abrupt, and best of all; perfect for them. It screamed Neil and Todd- something easy but deeply meaningful. Just like how Todds' first poem at the meetings had been his confession to Neil. 

* * *

"That's not what I meant, Charlie!"

"The name's Nuwanda, _Richard_ ," They hadn't argued this hard since before Cameron had gone off on his break- but it was inevitable that it was going to happen sometime soon, Charlie just hated that it had to be so soon after he had already messed things up with another poet. The two still hadn't spoken. It was their joint toxic trait not to word their concerns or feelings. A trait that was annoying Charlie more and more every time he thought about it. 

"Okay, _Nuwanda_ , all I meant was that you need to sort this thing out!" Charlie knew that. After the meeting, it had seemed so obvious what he had to do and yet, he only went and made it worse. Cameron was fed up with walking in between the two at Charlie's request as if he was a buffer to their situation. He watched as they both stumbled for words around each other, avoiding the others eye contact and staying subconsciously away like they repelled each other. Cameron had no liking for the pair together, he didn't really have an opinion or any judgement on it, apart from the hint of annoyance that they hadn't just gotten together already. 

"I- _God_ , I know that Cameron. Don't you think I've tried?" 

" _What_? What have you tried other than blaming him and avoiding the truth? You've barely tried anything, Nuwanda. It's not his fault that you can't come to terms with your feelings! He's done his bit, you need to do yours." He was angry. In fact, he was furious. How could Charlie be so blind? How could he blame Knox when the boy had changed his ways, it was just Charlie who needed to change now? Cameron wasn't sure what the boy was thinking about in his head, but he knew what he was thinking- I am _never_ falling in love. 

But Cameron was right. Charlie was aware of that. He was the one holding them back, keeping them from being together. Not only had he practically rejected the boy by not saying his feelings out loud, but he had lied about the kiss. He had tainted the only thing they had together even more than it had already been ruined by his pathetic running away. Charlie was the issue here, he just didn't know how to fix himself. The feelings he had for Knox were like a burning ember all around his body and the heaviness of being rejected or admitting his feelings, it was a bucket of water- diffusing the flame. He was stuck between logic and love. 

Cameron had left the room in a scorching fury, running for solace in the Meeks-Pitts' dorm where he could rant about Chemical formulas or the radio they were building. It was truly unfair how he was surrounded by a bunch of love-sick idiots who couldn't admit their feelings. He was sure that a romantic would love his position, but he _hated_ it. He wasn't sure why though. Of course, he was happy they had all found love. In fact, when it came to Neil and Todd, he was almost thankful that they both had someone so perfect. He was just so tired of watching them all worry and hurt over something, that to him, seemed so blatantly obvious. He had known for months what was going on. Probably, before Pitts. And he was bored of watching the mess. 

Nuwanda was left to his own devices, grovelling in the silence of the room as he took in the emptiness. Did love have to be so difficult? Why couldn't it just comply with logic? It made no sense to him. He was being made to choose between his own comfort and the luxury of being in love with someone. Shouldn't they come hand in hand?

* * *

"Is- Is this what I think it is?" Todd was shaking. He didn't know if it was because he was excited that Neil was confessing or worried that he was reading it wrong, but he was almost certain. 

"I- Yeah. Yeah, it is." Neil was ready to join Todd in the trembling when the smaller smiled, his grin calming the worry pulsing his veins and allowing his cheeks to cool. They were on the same page. _Thank God._

They sat in the silence for a little while, thinking about what had just happened with beaming faces and happy hearts. Neil was sure that Mr Keating would be happy with the circumstance, his plan working greatly and finally allowing Neil to express his affection. Todd was overwhelmed but in a great way. Every time he looked up he was met with the deep eyes of the boy who had just confessed to him. Everywhere he looked, there were memories of them, and now they were making possibly the most important yet. Every time he took a breath, he was hit with the pleasantly strong smell of Neil. He was surrounded by everything good and warm. He felt comfortable, for once. He had to clear this up though, get it set in stone. Make sure they were on the same page, same paragraph, same line. He looked up at the brunette, eyes connecting in a pleasant way that made his cheeks glow a subtle red. His lips opened, ready to ask what Neil wanted to do next, the other waiting patiently for the words to leave until- the bell rang. _Dinner_. The worst timing possible. He almost wished his stomach wasn't aching for food as he would gladly give up one meal to hear the word "boyfriend" leave Neil's lips. The thought of having to sit at the table, across from the boy he loved, knowing what had just happened- it made Todd's heart pound. He wasn't sure if they were meant to tell anyone or wait until they had talked. Wait, did Neil want anyone to know? Was he comfortable with his sexuality? Was he still in the closet? The thought sent a chill down Todd's spine. He had waited so long for this and now there was the possibility of having to hide their affections. Now, he _had_ to say something. 

"Uhm... I-" He was interrupted by the bellowing rumble of his empty stomach. As much as he wanted to ignore his growing hunger, it was physically impossible. 

"It's okay, we'll talk about it when we get back, don't worry. Let's just go and get some food before Charlie gets it!" That was true, Charlie was known for his constant hunger. 

* * *

Charlie didn't eat a thing. The sickness that weighed down his stomach at the acknowledgement of the situation he was in was enough to turn him off food for the night. He was sitting diagonally from Knox, their eyes meeting every time Knox bent down to eat. The tension was too high around the table. And not the good kind of tension. The type of tension that makes your blood cool and head hurt. 

Neil and Todd looked at each other with lovesick eyes, their situation has changed and the air around them now too sweet for Charlie to enter. Meeks and Pitts were uncomfortable, but only a type of discomfort that can spread from development in their relationship. A positive development. Something that Charlie and Knox hadn't had for weeks. 

Charlie felt numb. He knew what he had to do, so why couldn't he bring himself to do it? He had a lot of thinking to do. 

"Can- uhm... Can you pass the salt?" Neil felt as if he was interrupting the stiff air around Knox and Charlie as he leaned forward into their space. It was a stuttering question without an address, so both of the boys moved forward to take the small salt shaker. As their hands collided, their breaths stuck in their throats and their eyes moved from any possible connection. Charlie let the other take the object, his hand timidly resorting back to his lap as he stared intensely at the pile of food on his chipped plate. It was a revolting sight. But it was better than seeing the distress on Knox's face. 

The dinner stayed as awkward for the remaining twenty minutes until the wonderful voice of Mr Keating interrupted. His face was glowing until he noticed the tension between the poets. He didn't know what was wrong, but he had a feeling that asking them would be like opening a box that would never be closed again.

"Neil, can you come and see me when you're finished?" 

A look passed between the teen and his lover, something of an 'I'll be back soon'. He nodded nicely, assuring Todd with a look that they would talk about it soon. 

"Good, see you soon. Have a nice evening, boys." 

A chorus of thanks and reciprocations brought some level of life to the boys, but not enough to assure John of their adequacy. 

* * *

"Hello, Captain?"

"Neil, sit down. Tea?"

"Sure." It wasn't a tough air to stay quiet in, but it was definitely something that Neil wasn't used to in the presence of the talkative teacher. He was convinced something had happened. 

The tea was placed before him in a small cup by the steady hands of Mr Keating before the teacher sat in the opposite chair. 

"I have a job for you, nothing too hard, just something I think you'd be good at." It was confusing and something completely out of character for the teacher. He seemed so capable of everything that Neil was shocked he needed help doing something. But, when told what his job was, it all made sense. 

* * *

"Pitts?" 

The taller looked down at the boy questioningly. His eyes were sparkling slightly, almost as if he had something important to ask him. Pitts was scared as to what it was, his heart begging for it to be something like a confession, but knowing that it wasn't.

"Have you noticed the difference between Todd and Neil?" _Oh, so that was what he wanted to ask._

"Of course, I think Neil asked him."

"... Really?" There was an expectancy in his words as if he wanted Pitt's to say something- but all he replied with was this. 

"Yeah, I think that's why Keating took him away. He must have gone to go and see him before confessing." It seemed logical. 

The two walked back into their room, taking their normal places for revision before realising something was wrong. They both wanted something to happen, that much was clear, but what it was the other wanted, they weren't sure. Pitts was desperate for some release. Meeks just wanted to feel content again in his own room. 

They could both feel the words on their tongue, their throats stinging with worry at the possible response, diffusing any ability they had at confessing their feelings. 

* * *

Charlie and Knox seemed to have the same idea when it came to Neil and Todd. They had to know. What happened and why was their air so different? 

Charlie, with his impatient nature, waited a whopping ten minutes after dinner to waltz to the door of the Neil-Todd dorm. He walked confidently out of his own until he was in front of the room, ready to hear about someone else's situation instead of wallowing in the destruction of his own. 

Knox had waited only five minutes longer than Neil, his envy of the success of their relationship causing him to wander to the dorm. He longed to hear of how they did it and where he and Charlie had gone wrong. What had they done that he and Nuwanda hadn't?

That's how they both ended up in front of the door. Facing each other. Both of their hands on the handle. 

"H-hello."

"Hi." Knox was naturally more confident due to his advantage in their circumstance. He had done his part, it was Charlie who was behind in his tasks. 

"I- Uhm. Wanted to come and see- see Todd. But i-if you're..."

"Charlie."

"I mean I can leave, I'll just come and see him la-"

"Charlie." The boy nodded. 

"Can we talk? Like, _really_ talk?" 

"Y-Yeah." Charlie was glad that the other had taken charge and asked, but he dreaded the fact that he now had to face his new biggest fear. 

* * *

Neil craved getting back to his shared abode, just to see the blonde at his desk and finally get to talk about their new advancement. He had listened intently to the words of Mr Keating and knew exactly what he had to do, all he had left was to speak to Todd. He had been thinking it over on his walk back from the teacher's dorms. Was Todd uncomfortable with being completely open? Did he want to stay secretive? Was he going to ask they stay friends? Neil didn't think he could live with that. 

For the first time, the door of their room looked menacing. What was he going to walk into? The rejection was always possible but being asked to stay in the closet would be arguable worse. He had dreamt too long about loving the boy in plain sight of everyone around. If he couldn't do that, he didn't know what he would do. 

He opened the door cautiously, his legs trembling slightly as he stepped in with an expectant mind. The beauty was lying on his chest on Neil's bed, staring up at the sky. He couldn't think of anything more wonderful to see than Todd being lost in his own world. Neil walked up behind his bed, making sure the other knew he was there, before joining him on the bed. His arm wrapped around the blonde, lifting his head up so his lips were right behind his ears.

"What are you thinking about?" The blonde chuckled. His eyes never left the swirling sky as he let his mouth open to reply. 

"You." That was it. That was going to be the reason Neil lost his mind. His heart beating at a scary pace. The thought of Todd thinking about him in his spare time; it was enough to make Neil swoon.

"W-What about me?" Neil hoped and prayed that it was about what he was thinking. 

"I'm thinking about whether or not you'll take me a-as your boyfriend?" The smaller dropped his head so his cheeks, red and burning, were hidden by his arms. He couldn't see the smiling boy behind him but he could feel the tension in his body. 

Neil, once again, lifted his head to whisper in the boy's ear. His shock was apparent. The words that left the blonde spreading around his body like fireworks. "Of course." 

The second the words were in the accepting air, Todd lifted himself up so he was facing the brunette. He was a bright crimson, his hands twisting in a clutch as he looked up at Neil with an excited gaze. He opened his clamped hands, wrapping his arms around the brunette as Neil lifted them so they were sitting, leaning against the wall. 

It was too comfortable to move. The boy of his dreams lying in his arms with his chest in Neil's lap. The last few minutes ran around in Neil's mind. He had a boyfriend. His boyfriend was Todd. The Todd Anderson. _Damn_.

"What did Mr Keating want?" It was a soft tone, but with a hint of concern. His eyes looking up at his boyfriend with confusion. 

"Oh just asked a favour."

"A favour? Mr Keating?"

"Uhm yeah, it surprised me too."

"Yeah, well, what was the favour? Did you agree?" Todd was starting to grow concerned. There was nothing normal that Mr Keating could need help with. He was confident with everything that seemed logical. So, that only left abnormal things.

"Turns out, Mr Keating thinks I'm the perfect candidate for making matches. Apparently, there are some people in our group who had the same issue as us. And now, we're in charge of helping them. You up for it?"

"Obviously." 


	10. Chapter Ten; Come Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Charlie admit his feelings or is he prepared to wallow in doubt for eternity?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is not what I wanted it to be and I don't know whether to blame myself of the fact that I haven't been able to get time to plan it out haha. This is a really bad chapter though because of the amount of schoolwork I've been getting, I promise I'll come back and edit it so it's better haha!!!

Charlie Dalton. Confident, boyish, charming. That was his mask. He could parade himself around the halls of Welton without a care in the world because he was Charlie Dalton. He could laugh and share jokes in class because he was Charlie Dalton. He could get in trouble and suffer the consequences, only to come out smiling because he was Charlie Dalton. And although this persona was a successful, likeable boy, his true being wasn't as wonderful. He was shy and incredulously self-conscious and aware of the vitality that came with societal acceptance. He was the product of trying to make everyone happy at the expense of his own feelings. So, Knox wasn't overly surprised at the boy's lack of confidence in sharing his oh-so-obvious feelings, but that didn't mean that he wasn't expecting him to share them. Love is an expert in making people uncomfortable in an effort to allow them to overcome fears and step over their own boundaries. Love can make your opportunities limitless if you have the ability to play its game. Charlie had to learn that loving Knox wasn't some punishment or terrible thing that he had to try so fervently to hide. 

Their walk to Overstreet's dorm was slow and often cautionary, Charlie's feet denying him the ability to stop as he convinced himself that getting it done now was going to prevent any pain in the future. But that didn't stop the thoughts that plagued his mind. With every outcome of this situation, there came a negative factor. If he admitted his love, was it going to ruin his chances in the future? Was his sexuality going to weigh him down? Would people like him anymore? If he was to deny his emotions and live Knox-less, how miserable would he be? Could they stay as friends? Would he ever lose feelings? He, deep down, already knew the answer to that question. He had never felt such a strong, natural love or affection for someone before. It was in his every action towards the boy, it seeped through him into his work and danced through his mind constantly. He was taunted endlessly as his mind came up with new scenarios to please and show the boy just how much he felt for him. He was tired of dreaming about the possibilities they had together, but so scared that he was subsequently ruining others at the same time. He could hear Keating's voice in his head, reminding him of how he shouldn't weigh love with logic, but how couldn't he? There was no place for love in this emotionless culture. No one considered it as important anymore. Some even thought of it as an inconvenience. But he craved it. God, he needed to feel that connection. He needed Knox near more than he needed a job or a place in a university. He cared more for the teen than he did about whether or not his parents accepted him. Knox had done more for him anyway. But who would support him whilst he grew up and tried to get a job? How could he give Knox everything he wanted without one? Nothing fit anymore and nothing made sense. Charlie was lost in the maze that is love. 

They had reached the door of the dorm earlier than either of them had expected, or really wanted. The silence between them had allowed their minds to birth hundreds of unpleasant situations that they might end up in, causing them to realise just how much they were putting at stake. But what else could they do? They had struggled to live the last couple of weeks with the uncertainty that followed them around. How could they go back to that, knowing that they could have resolved it, regardless of the outcome? They had gotten themselves into this situation and it was desperately calling for a solution. And this was it. 

"I uhm... Can I sit h-here?" Dalton's hand wavered over the chair, his legs too uncertain of whether or not they could stand during this. He was considering sitting on the bed but the casualness of the action heavily contrasted the gravity of their circumstances. It was inescapable. 

"Yeah, yeah, of course, you can Charlie." So he sat. In silence. Refusing to be the one to talk first. A stance that Knox threatened to call childish. 

Knox could sense the discomfort leaking from the boy's body. He could barely keep his eyes above the chair, resorting often to the floor where he could escape the intense gaze of the taller one. Charlie was terrified. This was a scene that he had let replay in his mind as if he enjoyed the pain it provided, and now that it was in real life, the pain had become a blinding sharp dig under the heart that beat rapidly in his chest. He felt so heavy. Like he was carrying hundreds of boxes full of the things he had to let go. Emotions that he had let pile up and gather in the safety of his heart. 

"Are you going to tell me?" _I don't know._ The silence continued until it breached the threshold that turned the air sour. Knox wanted to know and he was tired of waiting. He had openly confessed his love, he had even kissed the boy back and gone through with detention that Meeks had set him up for. The longer Charlie hesitated to answer, the more that Knox was convinced he was ready to answer on behalf of him. If Charlie couldn't admit his feelings, then how could they have a relationship? Knox was well aware that he needed to have the patience to make this work, but he wasn't the one who initiated the dance and the kiss. He was simply the one who fell victim to the actions and the connotations that they provided. Just as he was preparing himself to end the suffering of them both, Charlie started to speak. 

"Where would you like me to start?" It wasn't perfect, but it meant that he knew there were multiple things wrong; something Knox had considered his ignorance of. Charlie looked so doubtful of his own words as if the feelings that moved to clog his throat were shameful or not worth the battle of saying out loud. _But I need you to say them_ , thought Knox. And he knew deep down that Charlie needed to let them out. 

"The kiss?" 

"What kiss?" He knew it was wrong but he just... he just couldn't let his feelings get the better of him.

"Charlie, stop-"

"Stop what?" 

"Stop messing with me! Stop it. You danced with me, you flirted with me, you kissed me. Not the other way around, Charlie. And I don't know if I've just been hallucinating, but know what I've been feeling." Knox's stare tore into Charlie as if he was searching him for answers. His words were violently true, their release into the air stinging at Charlie's skin. It was his fault that all of this had happened, but he was too chicken to come clean. 

"I... I'm sorry." 

"J-Just tell me," His hands reached to cover his face, his fingers dragging down with exhaustion, " tell me why you left. Why did you run away?" 

"I- I didn't think you liked the kiss. I thought you didn't want me to do it." he saw the turn in Knox's face. It was painful to watch, the look of pure anger and confusion that took over the once-gentle features. He had known that Knox hadn't felt how he had first perceived, but he had never expected Knox to react so rawly to the revelation. 

"Charlie, I fucking loved the kiss. It wasn't me who pushed away, it was you! You pushed away, I kissed you back." Charlie's head dropped with fear; he knew he was in the wrong for running away, he just didn't expect Knox to bring it up like this. He felt a new wave of shame take over his body as he willed himself to nod in agreement with what Knox was saying. 

"I... I know. Looking back on it now, I-I was in the wrong. I don't... I don't know why I denied it. I was just so scared that if-if I said I did mean to kiss you, that you would reject me. And if you rejected me, could we be friends? Knox, I can't lose you over this. You have to understand, I showed you how I felt at that _goddamned_ party and you reacted to it so... so..." 

"I reacted like a dickhead." The tension diffused. At least with this, they were on the same page. Yet again, Knox was saving Charlie from impending discomfort. It was a reoccurring issue that needed to be stopped. 

"Yeah, like a dickhead." The target laughed. He knew that he had reacted awfully to the affections that Charlie had so courageously shown, and he was deeply ashamed to think that that wouldn't have impacted the boys later showing of affections. Charlie hadn't hidden his feelings only on the basis of fear, but because Knox had shown him how negatively he could react and pushed the boy further into the closet than he had already been. 

"I- I am sorry for that. I never meant to make you feel like you were going to lose me." Charlie felt his shoulders drop with comfort. They were both admitting their wrongs and it felt so good. 

"It doesn't excuse the way I danced around my feelings." 

"You're right it doesn't, but it does mean that we can move on from that." Did that mean what Charlie thought it meant? Did move on mean forget about it or forgive it? Somehow, above their admissions of guilt, they were unable to provide clarity to the current situation. It was something they had to work on. 

A smile breached both of their faces. They had spoken about it. They had actually, maturely, spoken about real feelings. It would be an understatement to say that the two were proud of themselves. But there were still things to cover and they couldn't get distracted by minor improvements. Even if they felt like major ones.   
  
They both let themselves bathe in the new comfort between them, something they had craved intensely since the awkwardness began. It wasn’t a secret that they both missed being with one another. In fact, it was often the only thing keeping a Charlie from jumping to the conclusion that Knox didn’t like him at all. They had some comfort in knowing that they had both gone through the same thing. 

* * *

Everyone around them was happy. Neil and Todd were blatantly making moves and Knox and Charlie were no longer pushing each other away. He wanted to be happy for them. He needed to be happy for them. Because if he wasn’t happy for them, he'd have to address that issue, and that was too much. He’d never been good with his emotions. He’d always hidden them expertly. Now, he had to come clean. He had to reveal why he was so unhappy with their happiness. He knew it was the time to admit that he, Gerard Pitt’s, was jealous of his friends.   
Now, he had to face the fact that everyone around him was more confident in their relationships than he was in his. He had tried to blame it on how close he and Meeks were but, wouldn’t that have the opposite effect? Sure, there was more chance of his actions being taken platonically, but he wasn’t following their normal affectionate patterns. Nor was he doing them in the same context. And if they were so close, changes should be more obviously noticed, no? 

He didn't know who to blame. Meeks was so horridly oblivious. And he was so shy and incapable of properly showing his feelings. He was trying so hard to show Meeks just how in love with him he was, but that didn't matter because his best wasn't enough. He had spent long enough screaming at Todd and Neil internally that he was aware his own actions wouldn't be enough to spark something in Meeks. He had to really show him. He had to start making it as obvious as possible. 

And so, Operation 'Get Meeks To Notice', began. 

* * *

Neil had a plan. He had watched over the boys less intently since his infatuation with Todd, but he wasn't blind to the relationships that had been brewing. Charlie and Knox were fighting for the title of 'most obvious', aiming to steal the trophy from Todd and himself, but a more subtle match was on its way. Meeks and Pitts were always quiet and yet, so loud in their silence. They sat so close and fit so well that it was confusing to see one without the other. Disorientating, maybe. They moved with one another, anything Pitts did, Meeks did, and vice versa. They liked the same things and yet, had enough differences to love about each other. They were the example of perfection. But in their silence and similarity became a sense of comfort, one which leads them both to be quiet about their feelings. 

But Neil didn't know what to do. He was always closer with Charlie, and Meeks had always been with Pitts, it was like they were one group split equally in half. But now that Charlie had Knox, He had Todd and Cameron was wandering around, the closeness of Meeks and himself was slowly decreasing. Pitts, on the other hand, had never been close with Neil, but they always had an unspoken understanding between them. In a way, they were complete opposites, with their introvert/extrovert dynamic and their drama/science minds. But, when it came down to actions and reactions, they couldn't be more similar. So, Neil decided on observation. He closely watched Pitts as he let Todd deal with Meeks. 

Waking up in the morning to the face of the boy you love is like waking up in the clouds- it was brilliant. Neil just wished that he could relish the moments for a little bit longer before the anger of Dr Hagen beckoned them to get ready. If he could trade the rest of his life to forever be in this moment, he would. But, in the middle of the moment, Neil noticed something was off. Before, when they were getting out of bed, Todd would stand up confidently in his pyjamas and walk out to brush his teeth, but now, he was awkward and embarrassed. _What could it be_? Though Neil. _Why is he so nervous?_

So Neil, to the rescue, stood out first. And then he realised. He was topless. At some point, due to the heat of the room, Neil had torn off his pyjama shirt. Now he knew why Todd was embarrassed. It's one thing to wake up in the same room as your boyfriend, it's another to wake up in the same room as your topless boyfriend. Todd was struggling. 

* * *

Todd wasn't the only one struggling. Meeks was beyond tired of this. He was tired of running around and pretending like he wasn't ready to grab the boy and make him his, but he didn't have the strength in him to make the move. And yet, it felt so wrong to rely on Pitts to do this. Why couldn't Meeks say his feelings? Why couldn't he make a move? Why was this so hard to do when they were already so close? 

With every move in the other's direction, the pull grew stronger, bathing them in the discomfort of an unspoken knowing. They were both fatigued and ready to end this pathetic facade. But at what expense would their confessions be? There wasn't as strong a guarantee as Neil and Todd or Charlie and Knox had because the closer that Meeks and Pitts got- the more they blamed it on 'just being friends'. If only they hadn't been so close. If only Meeks had some breathing room to really emphasise his feelings towards the giant. 

They were sitting in English, their heads all glued to the front of the class where Keating stood with his signature grin. But Meeks wasn't paying attention. His eyes moved between the two other couples and the brunette he loved dearly. Neil hadn't taken his eyes off of Keating but his entire body faced Todd's, almost protectively. Charlie's eyes flicked between Keating and Knox as if he was analysing how the other boy was taking in the information. And Pitts, oh Pitts, was sitting with his head in both hands. Eyes staring up at the teacher. Meeks couldn't' believe how the other's eyes could turn from normal to doe-y. God, he was so caught up in this boy. 

"Mr Meeks!" 

"Uh... Uh-yeah." 

"What do you think he meant by saying, "You say you love me; but with a voice"?" It was Keats, a poem Meeks had studied before, but now it meant so much more. 

"He doesn't believe she loves him, because her words feel meaningless. But I don't agree, I think words of affirmation- sometimes... no, most of the time- they're necessary."

* * *

"Do you think they'll get together on their own?" Todd was concerned with their involvement in the Pitts-Meeks situation, even if he enjoyed being a matchmaker. His body was enveloped in Neil, back on the other boy's bed, their heads pressed together. 

"Hmm, I think they might." His head reached for the dip of Todd's cheek, right under his eye, placing a soft kiss. 

"I... It was quite a stunt Meeks pulled today, no?" 

"Definitely, but why is it bothering you?" Todd didn't know. He wasn't sure why their involvement or their observations bothered him, but it made him feel wrong. Like he was messing with something that he shouldn't be messing with. 

"I... I feel like... I feel like t-through our interfering, we're going to mess it up. Y'know, fate and stuff?" Neil chuckled, dismissing the boy's comments with another kiss on the cheek.

"We won't, we won't. I promise!" 


	11. Chapter Eleven; The Road Seems Easy But It Sure Is Bumpy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. There is a line between flirting and being too forward and Meeks is pretty sure he has crossed it.  
> 2\. There is a line between being together and just knowing each other's feelings, Knox and Charlie haven't stepped over it yet.  
> 3\. There is a line between loving your boyfriend and interrupting his poetry reading and Neil is scared of the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is just... well, it's hell

It was a dumb idea to begin with. To try and transition the friendship from flirty to something more. To try and light a flame. In hindsight, it was just an attempt to push things along- but it was the wrong way to do it. He had been bathing in the intimacy they had already gained, but he couldn't deny the feeling that it was lacking something, he just wasn't certain now that the missing piece was what he had tried to fill it with.

It was late, the moon hung in the sky, peering through the Welton curtains at the two resident nerds and their forever awkward stances. They were on opposite sides of the room, like two repelling magnets, their bodies subtly facing in opposite directions. They were so physically separated and yet, so aware of the other. It was like they were both waiting on something, as if they could both feel the need for speech or movement within the silence. Meek's head was full of science, English and Latin but there was always this one part of his brain that reminded him of Pitts. The boy across the room who seemed to be doing everything to get his attention recently: hugging him, touching his arm, speaking in that goddamned lowered, soothing voice that made Meeks putty in his hands. Pitts had too much against him. He knew too many of his weaknesses. It was time for Meeks to catch up. He just didn't know how. 

They had been intimate in terms of emotions. They had shared things that no one else knew, covered topics that seemed too personal to be heard aloud and looked at each other in ways that screamed affection. But in terms of real intimacy. In terms of _that_. They had done nothing. Of course, the night of the shower, they had breached some level of comfort and caused a new breed of wet dream, but it wasn't _intimate_. It was suggestive. But it wasn't intimate. 

Meeks looked across the room to divert his thoughts from that night, locking eyes with the taller as he lounged on his bed with his Latin textbook in hand. He was only really visible under the shine of the moon and the orange glow from the bedside lamp. His cheekbones were defined as his head tilted up, his body bathed in the dimmed light. He looked wonderful. Meeks could barely take his eyes away. But when he acknowledged his actions, he turned immediately in a flurry of embarrassment. The room was silent but so much seemed to be said between them. He could feel Pitt's body move from where he was laying, up into a more alert position, with one arm resting on his knee and his book sitting in his lap. It was like he knew Meek's thoughts. As if he could tell from the small looks the other was giving him. Meeks could only hope he wasn't being that obvious. 

The night sky only darkened from there on, the tension in the room growing thick as it bathed primarily under the light of the bedside table. The gold light reached the corners of the room, accentuating the light from the shade, drawing Meek's eye. He traced the corners above the wardrobes, following the lines of the room to the edge of the bed before lifting his gaze to the wall where the shadow of the other teen marked the white paint. He was scared to indulge any further. If he let his eyes trace any more, would he lock eyes with him again? Would he have to shy away for dignity? But, he let himself do it. Carpe Diem, right? So, the line followed the top of the mattress, running along the rustled blanket until it reached a leg, then a hip, then an arm. His body was so still that Meeks was convinced he had noticed his staring, but he didn't stop. Part of him wanted to lock eyes and see what Pitts would do. He wanted to stop shying away. He wanted to start something. So, he traced the crease between his shirt and trouser hem, working his way up to his shoulder before taking his time up his neck... then to his jaw... than to his face, where their eyes met and stayed there. Like they were battling it out in a staring contest. But it was more than a game. It was a conversation. Like the only way they could speak to each other was through these sultry, secretive looks that held so much power. Pitt's lips lifted in a smirk, his face lifting competitively, his gaze only intensifying. Pitt's was inviting him over. Was this too much? 

Meeks picked himself up, shaking as he moved off his own bed before feigning innocence and curling up into the side of Pitts. It felt wrong, as if he was being too obvious, but the look he received made it seem so right. He let his arm fall closely to the tallers leg, his head dangerously close to the other's shoulder and his gaze forever fixated on the others face. He was well aware that Pitts was still staring him down as he looked over the tallers freckles and nose and eyebrows. When their eyes met again, it was different. Like the tension in the room now had a cure. But they weren't ready to inject the medicine yet. 

With the last spurts of confidence that Meeks had, he dropped his chin on Pitt's shoulder, holding the gaze as he let his expression shift. This was too intimate. This was too close. But for some reason, Meeks had to know the result of all of this. He set down a kiss on the tallers shoulder, letting his lips hover over the area for a second before placing his chin back down. They were so close. So close that Meeks could almost feel himself moving in. It was so close to happening before- 

"Hi- _oh_. Oh... sorry, sorry. Uhm- anyway..." Neil was in the room. Now he wasn't. He was in the room. He saw what happened. _Great_. 

The room was left with new tension. And not the good kind. Not anymore. They both knew what was going to happen had Perry not interrupted, but were they ready for that? The two rose from their places and repositioned themselves as to not remind the other of the recent possibilities. Although every fibre of their bodies screamed to continue, the instinct to hide it overtook. They were controlled by habit, not logic or love. They were so embedded in their friendship that the aspect of differing from their rituals and creating this new joint identity brought the normal discomfort that change brings, but it was just so unusually unbearable. It was like they were breaking out of their mould made of cement and realising that one chip wasn't enough, and that the entire shell had to be ripped apart. They had to start anew, but to do so, they had to be certain in the other's affections. Were they? 

* * *

Knox was confused... to say the least. They had confessed, hadn't they? It was obvious in their movements and in their talks, but Charlie never said boyfriend. God, he never even addressed the change. So where were they in this winding road? He had no idea. 

Their intimacy was back. Y'know, the random touches and easiness at proximity. They were even talking about things that they had never considered important before. It was definitely new, but it was nice. This new calmness around each other. This mutual understanding. But it was rather ironic seeing as the label on the relationship hadn't been properly stuck on. Every conversation they seemed to have was laced with the question, what are we? They were so close on so many occasions of letting those words slip from their mouths, that it was almost painful whenever they let it get stuck at the boundaries. It was like their default reaction to unsaid things was just to hide them until the other plucked up the courage, but it was getting tiring. Knox wanted to open those doors and let them talk freely. Was it possible? With Charlie? 

Things had only gotten worse with the knowledge of Neil and Todd and their constant presence. The love they shared was a glowing one, reaching the corner of every room they entered and bringing light to the shadows. They were more in love than any outsider could comprehend. But it was so painful to watch. Why weren't he and Charlie like that? Why weren't they so obviously matched? What was stopping them from this level of excellency? But, the more Knox thought about it, the more he realised that was the beauty of them. They weren't perfect matches, in fact, they clashed on the majority of things, and that was fine. Difference in opinion only brings about change, and change is what prevents boredom. Not that he thought Neil and Todd would get bored, cos he could tell they never would, it was just that he and Charlie craved busy-ness and that's what they got with each other. 

On the morning of Neil and Todd's confession, the awkwardness between Knox and Charlie was on a high. They had also confessed to each other the night before, why weren't they together? The flurry of questions from Meeks and Cameron erupted and blocked out the two frozen brunettes, relieving their obvious discomfort from notice. They knew that they would also have to tell the other how they felt, it was just so nerve-wracking to do so. That's what love is though. It's the ability to step out of your comfort zone to show the other person how you feel. Its the craving to let that other person in on what you're experiencing. Knox couldn't wait until they done that. 

Just as Knox was ready to ask the other boy about hanging out, Charlie invited him to his dorm. Cameron would be studying in the library, the boys were pushing back the Dead Poet's Meeting because of a Latin test and Charlie had to have an excuse not to revise for it, a role that Knox was happy to fill. So, Knox was only left to hope that tonight was the night. That maybe he would get to call Nuwanda his after they spoke. 

Until then, Knox just had to deal with the mundane Chemistry lesson that was turning his afternoon into an eternity. Everyone in the class looked half-dead, their bodies slumped over the desks as they fought off sleep and pleaded with their brains to pay attention. But it was impossible. Paying attention in Chemistry was impossible. Especially with the boy you fancy sitting beside you. That just makes it even worse. 

"Do you think he knows we aren't paying attention?" A shiver jolted up his spine as the smaller leaned up to whisper, his words tickling Knox's ear. He was so close. God, why did he have to be so close? Disregarding the proximity and the way it made him wake up, Knox let the smirk paint his lips and nodded. There was no way the teacher didn't know that no one was really listening in. That is, of course, if you forget about Meeks. When isn't he paying attention? 

The lesson would be soon over, even if it never felt like it, and Knox and Charlie were destined to be together for the majority of the evening. What would happen? What would be said? 

* * *

_Oh God. Oh God. Oh God._

Neil's feet carried him with upmost speed, his knees getting ready to sprint as the significance of what he just saw settled in. He couldn't believe it. But the more he thought about it, the more he just knew that Todd had to know. It was the most important thing to happen here in a while, besides their relationship, of course. Neil did feel bad, though. For ruining the moment. For interrupting so abruptly. He could only be thankful that he hadn't postponed his entry and walked in on something worse. Something scarring. With a quick cleansing of his mind, Neil reached the door of his dorm and burst though, as if he hadn't learnt his lesson from before. Big mistake. BIG mistake. 

Within seconds the book of Caroline Duer poetry hit the mattress, the blonde's face rose from the reading position with his eyebrow quirked upwards and an obvious scowl sporting his features. He wasn't happy, that much was obvious. The devastation destined to come settled in Neil's mind as his life flashed before his eyes. This was it. This was his last day on earth. 

It had been an unspoken rule since his first encounter with Todd and his poetry that he should always enter quietly and refrain from speaking to the blonde if a book were to be placed in his hands. A rule that Neil had sworn never to break since the mood that Todd had been in the first time. Now he had broken it, Neil could only wish for death. He was done for. He felt the image of the almost-kiss diffuse from his terrified mind as he let his eyes drop from the other's face, muttering a soft "I'm sorry." Hopefully, that would cut it. 

It wasn't like Todd was going to be mean, when was he ever? It was more the subconscious impact it had on him. He became even more enclosed within himself, silencing the words that might have come out and resorting to his quietness for the rest of the night. Neil wasn't sure why poetry came into the mix and made his boyfriend so much more confident, but he wasn't about to prevent its magic from working. As the taller lifted his eyes and let them rest on the other's face, he noticed the scowl had been replaced by a subtle smile. 

"It's okay, I was finished anyway. Where were you?" Thankful from his narrow escape from suffering, Neil let the excitement from earlier seep back into his being and awaken his hyper inner-self. He just knew Todd would love this. 

"So, I was walking down the corridor, right? And I stopped in front of the Meeks and Pitts dorm and I thought, 'seems a little quiet', so I was going to go in and check on them, BUT... when I got there, I saw Meeks on Pitt's bed beside him and guess what? Guess what? Todd, guess!" 

"Uhm... Uhm, I don't know? They were sleeping?" Taken aback by Neil's excitement, the smaller sat in surprise as the story flew from his lips with happiness. He was too elated with what he was telling, Todd didn't have the heart to ask him to slow down.

"No! They were kissing. Well, almost kissing... I think I interrupted them, but that's beyond the point! They were going to kiss. Both of them leaning in. I knew it! I knew it!" It was impossible not to smile with the splendid mix of the story and the pure joy lighting up Neil's face. Todd let the fact slip that Neil had interrupted him and that this proved his point of 'interferring with fate', but he knew he would have to address it at some point. Keating was right, they did have to help the boys, but it wasn't as simple as Neil thought. They needed to be subtle. The boys couldn't notice what they were planning. 

The rest of the night was spent together, reading poetry from the new book and talking about the occurrence from earlier. Todd had told Neil what he thought about their interfering, and although met with some dismay, it was an understood concern. They couldn't do this blindly, they had to start being smart about this. One mistake in the beginnings of love and be a big stopper in the progression of the relationship. It was hard to hide away from the fact that they were trying to put together two people who were unbearably comfortable in their current dynamic, but the possible outcome was too wonderful not to aim towards. If Neil could let everyone experience what he felt for Todd, he would. It was a surreal love. Something that lifts every mood in proximity. An affection that elevates even the saddest of moods. He was determined to getting Meeks and Pitt's together. It just had to happen. 


	12. Chapter Twelve; The Name's Perry, Neil Perry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil Perry may be an actor at heart, but his true talent? Well, that's top secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what I'm doing with this anymore, everything I write seems to be fusing together into one big mess

This was beyond ridiculous. Knox had waltzed into Charlie's dorm multiple times without worry, so why was he now so nervous? From his knees to his hands to his arms, he was trembling. His lip was sore from his excessive biting. His ankle was beginning to ache from his incessant foot-tapping. He was overreacting- as always. Every time he edged towards the dorm door, his head filled with illogical situations and his feet took him away from the interpreted danger. His body and mind were at war, it seemed. For some reason, he just couldn't let go of the time between their confessions and labelling, was it enough time to rethink his emotions? Had Charlie changed his mind? And yet, as the teenage mind does, his thoughts circled. Why would Charlie lose feelings? Has he seen me? He was a dangerous mix of insecurity and over-confidence. 

Still, he couldn't open the door. His hand forever wavering over the brass, his feet ready to turn back and run to his room. But Knox was well aware that he was being dumb, he _had_ to see Charlie tonight. With whatever confidence he had stored away over his lifetime, Knox lifted his hand once more and placed it on the metal. ' _Finally_ ' he thought. As his wrist turned to twist the handle, his teeth sunk into his lower lip as he broke away at the skin. The thoughts running around his mind overtook the pain that radiated from his lip as he continued to open the door. At first, the room seemed empty, until he closed the door and walked in to see Charlie struggling to reach the top of his wardrobe. His feet strained as he balanced on his tiptoes, sounds of desperation left his lips as he stretched to shove away what seemed to be the mess he was trying to hide from Knox. 

"Damn Charlie forgot you were so short." It felt strange to be the one out of the two of them smirking, but he let it play his lips anyway. 

"What do you mean short, Knoxious? I am anything but short, just sexy." Knox replied with a short 'mhm', his arms circling the boy as he replaced Charlie's hands around the box with his, proceeding to place it where it was meant to go. After ensuring the box was secure, the arms that he let push it up grabbed to the top of the wooden furniture his head resting atop Charlie's. He felt so oddly at home. As if he was meant to return here every night and lounge with the short brunette under the stars. If only he could. 

Under the pressure of Knox's chin, Charlie turned so he was facing the taller's chest and slowly moved so he could look up at him. He looked so different from right underneath him. Charlie knew he was lucky to see him in this light. It took a couple of seconds for Knox to look down, his usual curiosity drawing his eyes everywhere else but Charlie, until he realised the way the smaller was looking at him. It was a love-soaked stare, one that warmed Knox's spine and clammed up his palms. Any fear from minutes before had quickly diffused from his mind. Tonight was already so much more different than any other. 

Charlie's eyes dropped from Knox's replying gaze, tracing down the boy's features until he reached the pouting lips stained lightly with blood. His eyebrows furrowed.

"Why- Why are you bleeding? What's wrong?" Nuwanda's usual smug tone was replaced by a soft, worried one. Knox wasn't sure if he had ever heard it before, but he was determined to keep hearing it. With a confused look, Knox's arm lifted, attempting to feel for the wounded area before Charlie swatted away his hand. With a quick turn and grab, the shorter had a handful of tissues, one of the corners quickly dotting away at the other's lip. It wasn't bad, a small bite, but it would stop Charlie from doing _everything_ he wanted to do tonight. Maybe that was for the better. 

Once again, the pair's eyes met, the blotting stopping in its tracks. God, did Knox want to kiss him. His body was practically screaming at him to lean in. So, he did. He let his gaze flicker between the wide eyes and the pouting lips, his heart rate dangerously high. This could go very wrong if he was misreading the mischievous glint in Charlie's eye. But he was sure he wasn't. 

With a subtle exchange of nods, the two continued to lean in, the walls closing in on them as they forgot where they were and what they were there to do. This was nothing like the last time when they connected over festering frustrations and covered up feelings. This didn't make Knox worried or anxious for what was to come, this made him calm and ready. As their lips finally met, the last of Charlie's tensions diffused from his shoulders as he lifted his arms to Knox's shoulder. This was much better than he thought the night was destined to go. 

The kiss quickly escalated, Knox's hands venturing lower and lower as he hurried his movements. They had to talk but why should he stop with Charlie under him like this? He wasn't about to waste this opportunity. His hands finally reached under the smaller, grabbing wherever he could, sliding his leg between the others. Charlie grabbed at the hair at the nape of Knox's neck as the taller pushed him further back for stability before they both lost their footing. Charlie's legs barely kept him upright as he balanced on the back of the wardrobe, his sweatshirts and hoodies covering his hair as Knox's head fell at his crush's neck. Without a second of hesitation, the room erupted with Charlie's laughter as he took in the situation. Knox was more than glad he was able to open that damn door. 

* * *

They woke up facing opposite sides of the room before avoiding each other whilst getting changed and exiting the room separately. It seemed the tension from the night before had become a rift between them very quickly. Meeks couldn't even look at Pitt's face without remembering what could have happened. So, they silently agreed that they wouldn't talk about it. Ruining the rest of Pitt's day. 

He didn't want to ignore it, though. God, he wanted to pick up from where they last were and continue as if nothing had happened. Why couldn't he just kiss Meeks? What was Meeks trying so hard to hide?

With every habitual glance that Meek's gave him, every small touch between them, every time they walked into the other's space- Pitts thought he was going to break. He was damn near breaking, at least. He couldn't get the picture of the blown-out eyes, parted lips from his mind, the image forever etched in his skull. They were in classes with each other for the rest of the day, right beside each other in most, and the urge that circulated Pitt's veins to just grab the boy was getting too strong. If only Neil hadn't walked in. 

Instead of walking down the hall with one another, the smaller left abruptly from the class and 'forgot' to wait on the other, forcing him to walk on his own. He didn't know how to take it. He knew Meeks was only ignoring him because of the occurrence, not because he wanted to ignore Pitts, but it still hurt. Pitts needed to know what they were doing, where they were, what was going on. So, he caught up with the ginger.

With a quick clutch of the boy's shoulder, turning him in his steps, Pitts had his full attention. 

"W-What are- Pitt's what are you doing?" He couldn't have been more embarrassed, his glasses slipping down his nose as he avoided eye contact with the taller. 

"Why are you ignoring me?" He knew that question was coming. 

"Why... Why do you think, Pittsie?" With that, the conversation was over. The smaller twisted out of his grasp and walked with intent towards their next class where they were both doomed to wallow in the recent happenings. They had to figure this out soon. This was either the end or the beginning of whatever they had and Pitt's knew which way he wanted to go. He could only hope Meek's also wanted to take that route. 

* * *

Neil's head moved around the corner slowly, looking between the crowd with suspicion as to who was watching his movements. He had to be sly and sleek to get away with this mission. To finally make some progress in this battle. As soon as the coast was declared clear, he began to search through the sea of students for the towering Pitts. Without much difficulty, the highlighting haircut was spotted and the situation it was found was taken in. It didn't look as comfortable and calm as their usual conversations were. Meek's cheeks were a heated red with furrowed eyebrows to match, whilst Pitt's shoulders were tense and high. It was obvious something had occurred between them, whether that was the kiss or the following, Neil wasn't sure, but he couldn't help the guilt rising in his throat. As he attempted to move closer, the crowd got denser, preventing him from hearing the intensifying argument, until he bumped into something short. 

"Watch it, Neil! Where are you even going? We have Chemistry, dumbass." Smirking, smug Charlie Dalton stood between him and the uncovering of the Pitts-Meeks situation. He was so close but yet so far. The mission was slipping from his fingers. 

Neil's eyes flickered between the brunette and the couple, his desperation to push Nuwanda only intensifying as the clock ticked on. Charlie continued to pester him as the duo continued to bicker, Neil could feel the opportunity leaving. Finally, his eyes landed on the brunette. 

"Sorry, Charlie, I just- I just..." With one quick look at the area where the two once inhabited, Neil found the bickering pair to be missing. He had lost them. God, what was he to do now? 

Within seconds his attitude changed. Charlie had stopped his one and only break in this time-consuming case, his day was ruined.

"Jesus Charlie, I was so close. I could have gotten them!" He was quickly dragged away by the smaller, his hands wrapping around his arm as he pulled Neil towards their class that they were dreadfully late for. Neil wasn't sure what to do with the nerdy couple. In fact, he was beginning to lose faith. They were so comfortable with each other that it was almost impossible for them to break out of their friendship. It was a horrible situation to be in, but Neil had no idea how to save them. He and Todd had been lucky to notice their feelings so soon, they narrowly missed the same relationship. Neil couldn't be more thankful for the way they had turned out.

Neil was no longer sure where to go with his task. He had tried everything. From being abrupt to sly. From being distant to over-involved. He had nowhere else to turn. It was fair to declare this 'Mission Failed'. The only person who could help this? Mr Keating. 

* * *

There was a persistent knock at Mr Keating's door, one that screamed one of two things; one, he's in trouble with Nolan again or two, Neil had hit a dead end. Keating opened with a neutral presence, scared of the former scenario and preparing for the worst. With one hand pressed against the frame and the other holding open the door, he peeked around to see who was there. Quickly his body calmed and heart-rate slowed with the face of a young Perry at his door. This type of task had inevitable dead ends within it, just due to the nature of the pairing. John had predicted this from the start. 

"Neil, sit down, sit down. How may I help you? Is it the job I gave you?" The teen sat on his usual chair whilst the teacher prepared the habitual tea, placing the scorching cup beside the boy. Neil looked confused and dishevelled as if his mind was driving faster than the speed limit. 

"I- I don't know what to do with them anymore. Mr Keating, I've tried everything! I even went against Todd's advice, what else can I do? Chop of a finger? They're hopeless!" His eyes were wide, shoulders slumped with obvious frustration on his face. Maybe Keating had given him a task above his pay grade? But he had enough faith in Neil to trust that he would get it done. 

"They aren't hopeless, Neil, true love is never hopeless. What has led to this? What happened?" Neil looked guiltily down at his feet before continuing on with his story. 

"They- They were arguing in the hall. Charlie bumped into me before I got the chance to hear what it was about." Neil's guilt only amplified, as if he was to blame for the failing plan. But he didn't realise the breakthrough this was, even without the subject of the argument. 

"Well, that's brilliant! They're stepping out of their mould Neil, can't you see? It's perfect, the plan is going perfectly!" It didn't seem perfect to the younger. In fact, it seemed anything but. The two had been friends for over a decade and they couldn't come clean about their emotions, to Neil that was already a red flag. Until he realised the significance of the quarrelling. Keating was right ( as usual ). Maybe this was positive. 

"But, don't you worry, I'll get this sorted. I know just the thing to solve the hick." There was a smug smile on the teachers face. His eyes screaming that he was up to something. Neil could only wait and see what it was. 

* * *

Both boys were in the cubicle. Suspiciously close. Whispering below comprehension. 

Charlie and Todd were, yet again, gossiping in the senior toilets. It was expected of the brunette, but the blonde? Not so much. His personality didn't seem to have any room for something so childish. But there he was, running his mouth about the school drama. 

The two often craved this time. The time they had designated to snitch on their s.o's and ask for the other's advice, like one of the cringy articles from those 'love-advice' magazines. They just had to know what was going on with the other. 

"No! No, you f-fell!" Charlie nodded exaggeratedly, his smile growing with every drop of his head. Todd giggled at the story, the second kiss of the other couple, the first kiss Charlie would properly count. 

"It _totally_ ruined the moment but... I'm not sure, maybe we were going too fast. I can't decide. I want it to work but I also don't want to be as slow as you two, y'know. How far have you even gotten?" The question lay on Todd's mind like a cement brick. Were he and Neil's relationship that slow? Hadn't they just got together? 

It was clear that Charlie wasn't talking explicitly about _that_. That was an area that neither of the relationships were anywhere near. He meant the stuff before that. What had he and Neil done? A simple peck here and there, that was all. Wasn't that enough? Wasn't that normal? 

Todd knew that he should be used to ignoring Charlie's pointless rants, but he wasn't sure why it was impacting him so much. He wanted to do more with Neil. In fact, he felt ready for it. But he was just too awkward. Anything he imagined in his mind, any scenario, was undermined by the constant fear of mucking it up. He knew Neil would never judge him. That wasn't his worry. It was his own mind that he was worried about. 

"Are... Are we really going that slow?" Charlie let his face drop in surprise. It was obvious that he thought Todd knew.

"Well, yeah. Wasn't that what you were aiming for?" No. No, it wasn't. 

* * *

Neil was left confused and anticipating for whatever Keating thought was going to solve it. He had a feeling it wouldn't be anything expected, as nothing Keating did ever was. But he couldn't help his mind wander. Was he going to go for the cliches? The hinting or the pushing tactic? Was it going to involve the English class? As he had done with Neil and Todd. He didn't know. 

His feet scurried up the dark wood stairs, his hand grasping the handrail as he let his feet speed up. It had been a long day, from the argument to the never-ending workload. He had spent two hours dwelling over stupidly complicated Chemistry questions and a further hour trying to decode the mystery that is Latin. Now, he had to go back to his dorm and stare at more paper for more time for more classes. Was the cycle ever going to end? Most likely not. 

All he really wanted to do was see Todd. The one person in the ocean of dull souls who beamed nothing but light. He didn't have a bad connotation in Neil's mind. So, he rushed to reach the large door that kept him from the boy that he had waited so long to see. They had hardly any classes together on this particular day, making the urge to fake illness with the other even more compelling. But Todd wouldn't let him. 

Excitedly, Neil's hand reached for the brass handle, silencing the voice in his mind that told him just to break down the door. With a quick turn of his wrist, the room was before him. But where was Todd? The smaller was nowhere to be seen. 

"Hey, To-" It was a sudden push against the door, the entrance slamming shut as his body was pressed against it. His shocked expression was soon silenced by the pair of lips, quietening his thoughts as well. They hadn't done this before. The feeling new. Every other kiss had been sweet and short, polite almost. Like they were doing it as a sign of their status and not what they really felt. This, however, this was drenched in emotion. With every movement of Todd, Neil could translate what he meant. With one sudden move from Todd and a quick interpretation from Neil, his intentions were clear-Carpe Diem.


	13. Chapter Thirteen; Does Anyone Know Where To Go From Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anyone could be the master of love, it definitely wasn't Meeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for 1000 hits :)))  
> This is a really bad chapter, I just don't know how to write right now aha.

Neil let go of the bottom of Todd's jaw, shocked by the sudden kiss and looking for a sign to continue. The smaller scared and nervous face moved from any connection with Neils, begging for the taller to forget about it in his flurry of embarrassment. His recent confidence had diffused into innocent shyness, hiding from his boyfriends stare. Why had he done that so suddenly? What was he thinking? 

"What was that for? Hm?" Neil dipped his head to try and regain Todd's eye contact but the smaller moved away with blushing cheeks. He was far too nervous to answer. "Todd?" 

"I-... Charlie said-"

"Charlie!" 

"Uh- Yeah... Charlie," Finally looking back at him, Todd realised the look of shock on his face, "he... he said that- he thought we were 'going slow'... like, on purpose." It was embarrassing to admit that he had actually listened to something Charlie had said. It was an unspoken rule throughout the poets that anything Charlie said was to be quickly written off and forgotten without a second thought, something Todd had chosen to ignore in this instance. Neil's face only grew more and more confused until he realised what Todd was getting at. 

"You listened to what Charlie said? Todd, he doesn't know what he's talking about. You know that." 

"Y-yeah, " his tone softened, "I- I do know. But, weren't we? I mean..." 

"I don't think we are. I think we're doing fine." He tried to send a reassuring smile to the stuttering boy, letting it reach his eyes before pulling Todd closer. They hadn't long before curfew, only a couple of minutes before they both had to shower, but Neil didn't want this to end. He had wanted to make that move for a couple of weeks now, not admitting that Charlie had allowed it to happen, and now that it had, he was willing to bathe in the feeling for a little while. Even if he knew it was because of Dalton's words. 

"Neil... Neil, we need to get ready for bed." 

"Shh".

* * *

Over the last couple of weeks, the night of the Poets meeting had slowly turned from the highlight of Meeks' week to the turning point. Not one meeting had been drama-free since Neil's birthday, often pre-determining the mood for the next seven days, leaving Meeks to pray that the next one, that night, would be of a lighter tone. He hadn't apologised to Pitts. In fact, they hadn't been speaking at all. Something that both of them were suffering from but also too stubborn to end. Yet, in some way, Meeks felt that it was on his end to finish the argument. A task he was willing to take on if Pitts would just take the time to listen to him, which he wasn't. Ever since he shot down the taller in the hallway, Pitts had been avoiding him like the plague. After Meeks tried to sit beside him at dinner, Pitts moved to sit beside Cameron. After Meeks tried to talk to him before bed, Pitts took a shower, not returning until Meeks was half asleep. When Meeks tried to walk with him to Chemistry, Pitts purposefully made himself late. 

It seemed no matter what Meeks tried, the taller teen was having none of it. No matter how Meeks' intentions changed, Pitts wouldn't see it. How was he meant to show the taller how he felt? Was this the end of their... of their whatever this was? What did Pitts want him to do? 

The longer he went without getting his words out, the more Meeks felt like the walls were closing in. He had tried every way that seemed natural to try and get his points across, and at every chance he got, Pitts seemed to defer his offer of resolution. He was starting to think he had missed his chance altogether as if Pitts had had enough after the hallway incident. Meeks wouldn't be surprised, he had led the other on for too long. He still had to tell him, though, in case he had even the smallest chance of making it work. 

Unlike every other time he had walked into the classroom, the entry into the English class had been more awkward than exciting, especially with the body right beside him. They had left the penultimate class together, without meaning to, causing them to walk as a pair through the narrow corridor to Mr Keating's class. As soon as he had realised that they were beside one another, Meek's hand had come up to awkwardly mess with his glasses, ensuring his gaze never wandered up to the other's face, no matter how strong the urge was. Staring solely at his feet, Pitts couldn't help but realise the synchronised steps they were taking, trying desperately to mess up his own tempo as to not realise the coincidence until he realised his body couldn't stand changing it and continued walking at the same pace. It seemed their bodies had more logic than their minds, keeping them close without any desire to be near the other, but was Pitts going to listen? Not after the previous day. 

He wasn't being petty, or at least that's what he was telling himself. It was useless, how many times he tried to convince himself that ignoring the smaller was justified, for somewhere deep down he had detected the change in Meeks already. But, he couldn't let himself get hurt again. He had waited months for Meeks to change and now, all because he had embarrassed him in front of an audience of hallway passers, Meeks thought he could just _change?_ It seemed too sudden a switch to be definite. Pitts wasn't certain it was a permanent change at all. 

As they both reached the classroom door, the tension grew as they wordlessly fought about who was to enter first. Pitts let his feet take the first move, before realising Meeks had the same thought, quickly they were both squeezing through the narrow entrance and bursting into the class, making a scene before the rest of the students. As embarrassing as it was for everyone to watch them, it was undeniably more awkward to be that close to Pitts after a day of being so removed. The smaller quickly felt his hands struggle for a natural position, resting them on his thighs before stumbling to his seat with bright red cheeks and a glistening over his eyes. They were sitting so close in this class. Too close after the recent events. Too close for the ones yet to come. 

Of course, as the boys had become accustomed to, Mr Keating hadn't yet arrived. His short stature waltzing in a couple of minutes after the bell before stopping in his tracks before Pitt's desk. If he didn't even know the half of what had happened between them and he noticed, then what did the rest of the poets think? Were they really this obvious? After a couple of seconds of staring, the teacher continued to his small desk in front of the class, taking out a book of poetry and asking the rest of the class to open it as well. With shaking hands, the ginger did so, his eyes drifting to the top of the page, "Poems to Another." 

If the meaning for the days topic hadn't been blatantly obvious from the title, then the poem Keating chose to start them off was. 

"Who would believe that under sunny skies," he stopped, watching as Pitt's eyes turned to the blushing boy a seat away, 

"A month ago, when summer kissed the land, 

We read sweet stories in each other's eyes, 

And laughed and loved and would not understand, 

That Time, who changes all things as he flies, 

Bids us change too in order to be wise- 

Who would believe?" Neil glanced between the two as Keating read the poem aloud, noticing the secret looks that went between them. Neither of them noticed the others attention, something Neil thought was either a result of their natural duality or that they were becoming pros in being unnoticed- neither were advantages in their current situation. 

After declaring the task of the day, Keating sat back and enjoyed the peace, something he rarely did in his usually active class. He decided to calm it down for this lesson. He could tell the class was too tired at the end of the day. 

The task, however, contradicted his desires to calm them. "Pick an extract over the next week to read to the person in your pair." _In your pair_. For Todd, that was Neil. For Charlie, that was Knox. For Cameron, that was Stick. For Meeks, that was Pitts. What was he going to choose? He couldn't be too obvious, the previous days had declared that, so what was he to do? Every extract he came across screamed affection or was drenched in second meanings, something he thought was too risky in their current state. Pitts, however, wasn't even ready to look. Scared that every word or poem or statement he came across would speak to him and knock down the wall he had laid around his feelings for Meeks. 

The two had wished for calm endings to their school day, hoping Mr Keating would provide them with some relaxation before they had to sit in the awkward confines of the cave later that evening. Their wishes had been ignored, it seemed. Now, they were more nervous than ever. 

* * *

"Charlie. Charlie, what are you doing?" 

"I'm trying to reach the top."

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch me, Knox, I'll get it just fine."

"Mhm, sure."  
Dalton is known for his idiocy. His wrongly placed confidence and his stubbornness when things go wrong. A place where Knox usually comes in to save the day and stop him from whatever he is planning. Something he was unable to do today. 

"Please... Please, get down." Knox pleaded from underneath the wardrobe, his boyfriend hanging on to the side trying to push his leg on top. He could tell that Charlie was beginning to slip, thankful for the bed beneath the smaller to soften the inevitable fall. Knox couldn't help the laugh that surfaced as Charlie's bright red face erupted from under his arm. 

"No, Knoxious, I'm doing fine. Look!" With one final swing of his legs, Charlie managed to hook one foot atop the wardrobe before the other one fell and made him lose his balance. Within seconds, the smaller was falling from the furniture, his back hitting the mattress immediately. The dust flew from the movement, reminding Charlie of his need to clean, but falling with a book as well. 

As quick as he fell, Dalton sprung up, grabbing the book before Knox could see it. It wasn't anything _personal_. Just...just embarrassing. He hadn't been quick enough, though. Knox had seen the book, clear as day. But before he could ask, the bell rang for dinner. Meaning he would have to wait to ask what the book was and why it was titled "Plan." 

* * *

Dinner was, as usual, a mix of tension and incurable awkwardness, especially between Pitts and Meeks. Charlie kept receiving strange looks from his boyfriend, whether they were questioning or concerned, he couldn't tell but they were definitely making him worried. Todd struggled to hide under the warm stare of Neil, his collar around his neck becoming tight as he glanced everywhere but the other boy's face. Meeks kept trying to get Pitt's attention, something he wasn't achieving or willingly going to receive, and he knew it. Cameron was sitting silently, unaware of the behaviour and attitude around him. 

"So, what's going on guys?" His irritating voice pierced Charlie's spine, his tone sweet and misplaced. No matter how nice Cameron tried to be, Charlie would always tell him to shut up, but not under the glare from Knox. 

"Nothing, Cameron, we all up for the meeting tonight?" Neil's attempt to dilute the tension was answered by a chorus of 'yes' from the boys, all except Pitts and Meeks who nodded quietly and went along with their meals. Unfortunately, it didn't go unmissed by the other poets. Their faces twisted with uncertainty at the pair, Charlie poking Pitts to make sure he had heard to only be responded by a small, flippant nod. This was beyond uncharacteristic for the two who were usually the laughing couple, throwing jokes into the centre of the table. Their quiet, confined attitudes took the group by surprise. 

"What's going on with you two?" 

"Yeah, Meeks, what's up?" Nuwanda pestered, kicking the ginger lightly under the table. 

"It's..." He quickly looked at the other, waiting to see if Pitts would help him with this at least, but he got no response, "It's nothing, okay. We're fine. We're coming to the meeting, anyway. What time?" 

He was answered wearily, the group letting their behaviour slip for now, but knowing that they would have to talk about it eventually. They continued on eating, ignoring Meek's attempts to get Pitt's attention and talking about the new assignment from Keating. It was obvious what the teacher was doing, even if none of them said it aloud, but it didn't seem to be working. The pair seemed further apart than ever. Neil just hoped that this was all part of Keating's plan. 

* * *

The meeting came sooner than Meeks expected, his heart racing as the group walked to the cave in comfortable silence. With every crunch of the leaves beneath his feet, he was reminded of the situation to come. Sitting near Pitts in such a social situation but surrounded by poetry and loving couples, it was destined to become a night of either discomfort or revelation- Meeks just couldn't pick which one he wanted. 

As they gained closer to the cave entrance, the groups split into their pairs before entering, determining who was sitting beside who before they even fully sat down. It was a habit that had never previously infuriated Pitts until then, knowing that he was going to have to disturb the peace of the groups so that he could sit as far away as possible from the other boy. 

In order, Todd and Neil sat at the highest part of the cave, followed by the single Cameron and then the pairing of Knox and Charlie. That was until Pitts sat directly beside Cameron. Forcing Charlie and Knox to move further down and isolate Meeks on the other side of the circle. He felt like he was in the middle of an interview, being interrogated by the higher-ups. There was an uncomfortable muteness that blanketed the group, Meek's head dropping in discomfort as he feared making eye contact with the taller. He was astonished at how far he had gone. They had slept beside each other, albeit in separate beds, so why couldn't he just sit beside him? Why was he taking it to this level? 

Soon, the group recovered from the strange seating choice, and Neil stood to take his place and read the entry poem. Todd looked up at him, Neil visible only by the light streaming in from the hole in the roof and the small bursts of light from their torches on the ground. He looked at home within the cave, surrounded by the people he loved with no fear of doing wrong. It was a side of Neil that Todd wished to always be on show. As his boyfriend stood back from the centre, Todd opened his arms, signalling that he wanted him closer than to his side. The action was innocent in the eyes of the pair, but a stab in the heart to Meeks who sat before them, trying to hide the pain he felt knowing that that reality was far from his reach and more of a fantasy. 

The poets continued reciting and reading out poems, all dumbly choosing the romantic verses as they rested in the comfort of knowing they had a partner- this night couldn't get any worse for Meeks. His hands kept pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, returning to sit clamped at his knees as he returned Todd's concerned look with a toothless smile. He was sure it never reached his eyes. He was sure Todd noticed. 

It was beginning to get late, the teens ready to leave within the next half hour, until Charlie stood and read aloud his poem of the week. Its name nor words fully entered Meek's ears, but its meaning resonated perfectly. Love, longing, lust. Three things he had been juggling like an act at the circus. He started to think to himself. What am I tonight without the relationship I want with him? Who am I if I do not seek an answer? 

Without a second of hesitation, the shorter lunged from his side of the cave to Pitt's grabbing his hand and dragging him out of the cave. This was happening now or never. 

As the poem came to an end, the dragging of Pitt's occurred, the cave was once again silent. Charlie, the only one standing, considered running after the two until Knox grabbed him and told him to sit. 

"I don't think this is for us to hear, Charlie." 

* * *

"What- What are you doing?" 

"I'm fed up with us being like this." Meeks let his eyes connect with the taller for the first time in a while, their gazes conflicting but battling it out. They were in opposing moods, Meeks angry and Pitts confused- the worst combination. 

"Being- being like what? What are we being like?" He was playing dumb, the worst excuse to jump to with the angry ginger before him. He could sense the frustration in the smaller. He wasn't ready for what was to come. 

"Acting like we don't want each other. I'm not dumb, Pittsie, I can see it. Why can't you take one minute to just listen to me? I've been trying all day, and- and you go and sit in between them all like that? Was that necessary? To make me feel like that? I didn't ask for us to start acting like this. It just happened." 

"You think I'm blaming you for us liking each other? Meeks, we were so close the other day. Seconds away. And I wake up, thinking we had made some progress, and you ignore me? No, you're right, I am blaming you. _That_... that is on you."

"On me? Pitts, you've not let me apologise. You've not let me say what I wanted to say!" Meeks scoffed, his hands rising in front of him as he exclaimed his feelings. This had been going on too long. 

"Because I know you don't feel the same for me, Meeks. I-I know it's not as strong." He looked away. Was he wrong about this? Was he reading this wrong?

"H-How do you know that?" It was silent outside the cave, possibly as silent on the inside as well, both boys looking at each other with a mixture of fear and thankfulness. They had said what they had to say, well, at least most of it. They just had to choose now. Is it them or is it just Meeks and Pitts? 


	14. Chapter Fourteen; Trouble in Paradise?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything seems so simple when you aren't the one involved. Much like an argument can seem very stoppable if you aren't one of the people arguing. Can Neil argue with Todd, though? Or, will he just give in?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to project too much onto these characters...

The silence was starting to become the loudest thing to Pitts. He had once felt at peace within it. Like there was nothing he had to do, just relax and think in the vast quietness. Now, a silent minute meant something going unsaid. Something he would probably never know the answer to. Now, the silence was what he and Meeks were poisoned by. Standing only inches apart, both unwillingly swallowing words that they longed to let out into the harsh, freezing air, only to be stopped by the pleading eyes of the other. Pitts knew he was digging himself a deeper and deeper grave by lying about what he knew Meeks felt for him. He wasn't as oblivious as the other poets thought. He could tell what his friend was thinking. He just couldn't foretell the outcome he was longing for. 

"Will- Will you say something, please? I feel like you're staring me down!" Meeks couldn't meet his eyes anymore, finding more interest in the scrapes that decorated his shoes. Both of their footprints lay in the mud, side by side, closer than they had been for days now. Neither could put a finger on when this had all gone wrong. 

Pitts couldn't stand the gap between them. The growing mould around the edges of their relationship. Were they about to throw years of friendship down the drain? Was that really what they wanted to do? Yet, no matter how absurd it seemed, Pitts couldn't speak. Every word he creatively conjured up turned to stone in his throat and blocked his airways, preventing him from ever saying what he wanted under the heavy knowledge that he could be rejected. He tried and he tried and he tried, pushing the words up and up-but there was no point. He couldn't say a thing. He just stood and watched as Meeks lifted his saddened feet, trodding away from the cave in agony. The type of ache that pulses from the heart and spreads throughout the body like a virus. Something Pitts could have prevented. 

In the mist was Meeks' shadow when the other poets peeked their heads out of the cave. Their faces were painted with confused and concerned features, pleading with Pitts to explain the circumstances. But how could he when he didn't know the answer himself? Without a word between them all, they knew the meeting was over. It seemed that ever since that party, nothing was going right. Every time they tried, something went wrong or something added drama to the rest of their week. He wasn't the only one tired of it. He was just fed up with being one of the only ones not getting a happy ending out of it. Charlie and Knox were doing good, at least they seemed to be. Neil and Todd were as perfect, if not even more so than anyone had presumed. Cameron was living his life as nothing had changed and by his standards, that was perfect. Only he and Meeks were struggling now. They had been the closest before and now, they were the furthest apart. Was that how it was meant to be? Pitts could only hope not. 

* * *

The walk back to the school had been undeniably uncomfortable. Especially for Charlie and Knox. They hadn't spoken about the book falling to the floor or the word 'Plan' etched eerily across its leather front. Charlie had been many things to Knox. Funny, confident, handsome. But, out of his variety of characteristics, he had never been organised. So, a book about planning, it was more believable to imagine it was his roommates' but, Knox couldn't shake off the feeling that it was significant. 

As their feet powered through the grudging mud, they edged closer and closer to the towering school and suddenly, their freedom was cut short. They were back at Hellton. Now, every ounce in their bodies that screamed for liberty was fighting against their bodies to turn back to the cave and just live in the realm of love and beauty. But, they _had_ to come back. There was no way they couldn't. They were no longer poets, just teenage boys indulging in other people's pretty words. Suddenly, everything seemed to close in. Charlie knew he would have to tell Knox. He knew he would have to come clean about the plans he had been making. The extravagant hope he had as a younger boy. 

"I'm- Uh, I'm going to go to my room okay. I'll- I'll see you in the morning." It seemed boyish and like something that they were past doing, but Knox's hand patting the back of Charlie's shoulder was more than a friendly 'goodbye' and closer to an 'I don't know where we are right now.' He didn't even feel comfortable kissing him farewell. He just patted his shoulder like they were two sweaty jocks leaving the football pitch after losing a game. Why did they always end up here? Why couldn't they just speak with each other?

It was childish to imply that the book was anything more than a plan that Charlie had made as an optimistic ten-year-old, but the idea that he was still believing in it was enough to send his cheeks into a blazing crimson and his hands rise to cover his face. He had always been the joker but with this, he became the hopeless romantic and that- that was Knox's role, not his. 

Sludging his way into his room, he sat aggressively onto his uncomfortable mattress and stared into the depths of the ceiling. He could feel the warm moonlight spilling in from the gaps in the curtains, soaking the room in a gentle silver, reminding Charlie of how he had once dreamt of the other boy. His plan had been basic and meaningless as a child but as the years grew on him and the necessity to find a future started weighing more and more, he had begun to regard its simplicity with a warmer heart. Sure, he wasn't ever going to be a superstar, nor was he going to own an ice cream truck any time soon, but the words that were softly hidden away in the shadows of the last pages stating 'boyfriend before 20', was a goal he was grateful to have reached. It reminded Charlie of why he loved Knox. He was the answer to everything young Charlie had wanted and so much more than current Charlie deserved. He was being dumb not sharing this with him. 

* * *

The door closed with a soft anxiousness behind Neil as his boyfriend dragged his feet across the dark brown wood, scraping his heel slightly as he lagged in his walk. Neil watched with a close eye at the boy in front of him, settling his gaze on the other's neck as he didn't know what features would paint the delicate face. Todd, unmissably tense, sat firmly on his bed in an upright form, like he was nervous of something he had anticipated to happen. It wasn't that he was angry with Neil, he couldn't be. He was angry at both of them. They had acted like Gods when really, they were just playing a game with people's emotions. He also didn't want to blame Keating, but it was undeniable that he held some level of fault in this matter. 

He let his shoulders drop slightly, the tension dissipating slowly as he realised the state of his boyfriend who stood in the doorway like he was ready to get a scolding. He felt wrong trying to tell him off for something he had blindly believed in, Neil had always been like that when it came to such emotional matters, but he knew that whatever they were doing with Meeks and Pitts- it had to stop now. When the sudden relaxation was realised, the older sat in front of him, the inevitable conversation darkening the light around them. They shouldn't have interfered. There were warnings about that kind of stuff in every romance novel, how hadn't Keating known the outcome? 

"I wonder what Pitts and Meeks were talking about. Seemed kind of serious, no?" Neil was never going to overcome his obliviousness, that was something Todd could forever bet on. But, no matter how much he tried to suppress it, the reason behind the hostility of that night began to poison Todd's replies to his roommate. 

"Mhm, w-w-why do you think that happened?" Neil's head shot up. He had a feeling this was going to come. He knew that Todd thought they were in the wrong and it was starting to look like he was right. They had stepped over a boundary and yet, Neil didn't think what they had done was as bad as Todd was making it out to be. Had the others not interfered with them getting together? Were they not considered a success? 

"You- You think we went too far?"

"I- uh... I don't think we went too far. Did- Have we not just gone the wrong way about it? Meeks and Pitts aren't us. They have a deeper history. I- I think we are trying to walk around an unknown area... that's all." It was met with silence. Neil understood where he was coming from, he just couldn't think of an alternative to what Todd was considering. 

"I-" Neil's words were cut off short by the movement of his boyfriend readying for bed. It seemed the conversation would end there. 

"I- Let's just leave it, o-okay?" 

He didn't know what to answer. They both stood atop the creaking floorboards, silencing their own words to compensate for the loudness of their bed preparations, also they were emphasising the awkward air that now strangled their bond. They changed, facing away from one another, before slipping into their own beds. It felt wrong sleeping after the tension they had created. The words they had said still lay in the air, fresh and memorable, planting seeds in their minds. Who knew what kind of mood they were going to wake up in tomorrow? Would their statements have festered into toxic arguments by then? Todd hoped not.

* * *

The door creaked closed, the high pitched noise echoing as the room froze with a sudden lifelessness. Pitts knew that Meeks was there, hidden under his covers, covering his face from the light that seeped in from the open curtains. They were so enclosed in the small dorm yet so exposed as their scene was yet again lit by the audience of moon and stars. They were at another standoff. Yet, instead of the tension being born from something pleasant, it was now from the lack of communication they had flowing between them. It was the standoff between the one boy who knew what he wanted and the other who wouldn't show what he wanted. 

As quiet as he could, Pitts dropped his coat at the door and kicked his shoes messily by the wardrobe. He could see clearly that his roommate was awake, his quick breathing and shaking figure blowing his cover immediately. As much as Pitts longed to reach over and assure him that it was okay to just admit he was still awake, he knew that after how badly he had just fucked up-it was the wrong thing to do. 

Quickly, and to avoid discomforting the other any longer, Pitts slid into his bed and faced the back of the other. He could ever-so-slightly trace the back of Meek's neck, small ginger hairs showing out of the top of the cacoon he had burrowed himself in. Pitts could only imagine how hot it was under the covers, the idea of Meeks' doing so to avoid him was enough to restart the ache in his heart, the fact he thought he had to pretend at all was painful. 

His frame was small, his height evident under the quilt, compacting himself even further to reduce the chances of Pitts noticing him. Every second he continued to look on was another reminder of how he had allowed Meeks to walk off earlier that night without the strength to stop him. He flinched as the image of the small boy trodding sadly through the mud circulated his mind; what had he been thinking? He had always been a little slow at reacting to things, but this? 

Meeks hid further and further under the covers, convincing himself that the smaller he was, the less Pitts would notice. Surrounded by nothing but darkness, the only entertainment he had was the ironic play of events from earlier, replaying in his mind like some torture tactic. The blankness on Pitt's face when he asked him how he felt, stuck painfully at the front of Meeks thoughts as he tried to forget how his entire body ached walking back alone. Were they really this incompatible? Why couldn't they just admit it to each other? What was stopping them? 

As he interrogated himself, the corners of Meek's eyes filled with tired tears, everything begging him to sleep and forget for a little while. He felt like he had been running through water to get his feelings across to Pitts, wearing his body down until it shared the same pain as his heart. He just wanted Pitts to be his. And after all they had been through, was that too much to ask? 

The two, confusing teens wallowed in their emotions silently as the night continued slowly. Both were aware of the other's being awake, neither of them having the courage to reach out and speak about things before they slept and allowed their subconscious to make its mind up alone. They were doing the wrong thing- as always- and they knew that. But they didn't know anything else. They had only ever been Best Friends with secret feelings in the background. Now, they could never go back to that. It was all or nothing. 

* * *

In the morning, there had been five different scenarios. Cameron woke up with the unacceptable grogginess that he was plagued with on a morning after a Poets meeting. He trodded out of his room and decided to check on Sticks, leaving Charlie on his own to plan and scheme how his day was going to pan out. He had awoken better than he had expected, less tired than usual and with hopes of allowing Knox into a _very_ secret part of his life. It seemed like a big thing, even if it was relatively small in anyone else's eyes, he hoped Knox knew how much it meant to him. Todd and Neil had woken up silently, gone about getting ready silently and left without saying a word to each other. Knox woke up already nervous for what the day was going to hold, especially with the occurrences of the night before and the unanswered topic of the book. Meeks and Pitts had woken up with a sense of finality. They both knew, without sharing a word between them, that this was the day they put an end to all this, whether or not that meant ending what they had or starting it up fully. Today was the day.

On their way to breakfast, the group immediately split up, with Meeks, Todd and Cameron trailing behind the nervous Neil and Pitts, leaving Charlie and Knox together. It was clear how tense they all were, knowing that this week was going to be the most dramatic yet. Charlie didn't know whether to be excited or nervous, though, for everything that had happened so far had ended relatively good. He could only hope that Meeks and Pitts fixed whatever was going on soon. 

"Uhm, Charlie, look-" 

"Y'know, I've been thinking Knox," Charlie raised his eyes to watch as his boyfriends feature turned from casual to suddenly terrified, anticipating the worst to come, "that maybe you should know something more about me. I know that you saw the book." 

Knox's eyes went wide. He obviously hadn't hidden his surprise well when the leather book dropped and ruined his night. 

"I- Yeah. Yeah, I did." 

With a smooth movement, Nuwanda reached into his own back pocket and withdrew the book itself. Up close, it had a homemade etching of 'Plan' on the front and slightly aged corners. It seemed personal without even looking on the inside. He took a quick glance at Knox before sending him a soft smile, handing the book over with confidence. With a shocked face, Knox reached forward and slowly took the book, allowing his finger to trace over the letters as his boyfriend continued to speak. 

"It... I thought it might be easier if you read it, Knoxious." He couldn't deny how nervous he was. He had just handed his entire life plan to a boy that he had only been with for a couple of weeks. Was he going too fast? He had no idea. He had no idea how any of this was meant to work. He just hoped that Knox could find his place in it when he read through. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen; A Lifelong Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the only couple having issues is Neil and Todd... How the tables have turned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))) Hope you guys like it. I haven't looked over it, so there are probably loads of mistakes but I'm lazy so.

Knox, behind his hopeless romantic ideals, had always questioned the idea of listing and organizing one's life. For some reason, most likely his parents pressurising ways, he had never felt an inkling to jot down any sort of plan for his future. He just thought that it would end up as it would end up. Fate would lead him to whatever he was meant to be and do. However, looking at his boyfriend's plans and bullet lists of what he wanted to achieve and become, Knox knew that his view was changing. Within seconds of reading over the slightly juvenile, innocent organizations- he knew that he was also, subconsciously, planning out his future. He knew within seconds that he would do anything to tick every box on Charlie's lists, even the ones that seemed utterly impossible. He wanted to make a joint list, one that held both of their dreams and desires for the years to come- but until then, he would make it his mission to make Charlie's wishes a reality. 

On the first page, Knox read the wants that he perceived to be the youngest of them all. Most likely the first real dreams that Charlie had really wanted to become a reality. A perfect look into how Charlie was as a child- "I want to live in an Ice Cream Van." If there was anything Charlie was, it was the embodiment of a sugar rush. 

On the second page, Knox's finger traced over a slightly more serious wish. One that struck his own hidden emotions as soon as his eyes skimmed over the faintly written words. "I want to make my parents proud." It left a sour taste in the back of Knox's throat, it's poison seeping down and setting alight his own desire to make his parents proud. It was rather bittersweet knowing that their relationship alone went against that very want. 

After skimming over the majority of the pages, passing bullet points such as "I want to be married before 25" or "I want to live in a mansion", Knox hit what he thought was the last page and flipped the book closed. But it didn't close. In fact, it opened up to the very last page. At first glance, it seemed to be empty. As if it was just a coincidence that the page had been opened and not a work of fate. However, at a deeper glance, small, almost erased words started to form. They reignited the blush that had taken over Knox's cheeks. The butterflies that he had just managed to settle were now fluttering furiously in the pit of his stomach. Hidden in the depths of the back page were the small words "I want a boyfriend before I turn 20." 

It didn't register at first. 

In fact, it took longer than Knox would like to admit. 

But as soon as it did, his heart lept with joy. _He_ was the boyfriend. Charlie had chosen him to be the boyfriend before twenty. God, did that feel good. He was the boyfriend. Damn. 

Lifting his hands above his head, Knox gave a small celebratory dance, pushing his head into his pillow to silence the happy laughs that escaped his mouth. After everything that he had done to get Charlie, all of the unsaid things and the secrets, he had finally felt as if they had gotten past it. As if they were what they were at it was never going to change, in a good way. It may have been too soon to say 'love'. But it's Knox Overstreet, so; he's in love with Charlie. He's in love with Charlie and the future that he dreams of having alongside him. 

* * *

It was silent waking up and silent leaving the room, but at least they acknowledged the other's presence. Usually, when in the midst of an awkward battle, the two had avoided each other completely. They wouldn't talk, touch or look at each other. They acted as if they were two magnets, repelling each other completely. But this morning, strangely after the climax of the night before, they walked beside each other and even moved the other politely, breaking the unspoken rule altogether. It was as if they both knew that today was the day. As if they had both had the same dream of falling asleep in the other's arms and decided that they were going to make it a reality. Or at least, try to. 

It had taken a lot for Meeks to fall asleep the night before. Suffocated from the heavy blanket above his face as he covered himself from the loving stare of Gerard Pitts. What was it with his look? The way he held Meek's eyes, was almost too much. Almost too intense. But he had fallen asleep, breathing heavily under the duvet but he had woken up quite comfortable under a neatly folded blanket. He didn't want to ask Pitt's. But he already knew that the other had heard his struggling and ensured he wasn't uncomfortable. It was another reason that Meeks was convincing himself Pitts felt the same way. And it would have worked, had he not reminded himself of the night before. 

No matter which way he looked at it though, it wasn't fair. Meeks and Pitts had been friends for almost two decades and now, one serious emotion between them was ready to blow that out of the water. It didn't seem like a nice chance to put on their relationship. Almost like the Universe was testing how strong they were together as they pushed and pulled them apart. Meeks didn't like the probability of Pitts rejecting him, but the fact that there was a possibility of being accepted- that was enough. 

He had no idea when or where this confidence came from. In fact, it almost felt like it was misplaced. Like he was tricking himself into doing this just to get it over and done with. But he knew he wasn't. The way his chest tightened when he realised how his bedding had been altered or how Pitts had both of his hands curled around his cover, was confirmation that he had to do this. 

* * *

They were in Maths. Something was off. That much was obvious. Pitts and Meeks were acting normally, almost as if they had dissolved everything between them. Charlie and Knox had a new type of comfort and love that was blossoming between them. It was Neil and Todd. The Golden Couple. Sitting as far apart as possible. Leaning in opposite directions, looking at different parts of opposing walls and even talking with different people. They had barely even looked in the same direction for the last three classes. It was unsettling. 

"What- What's going on, Pittsie?" Meeks built up the confidence and whispered into his best friend's ear, covering his words with a cupped left hand. Pitts looked at him with a confused stare until he read the other's eyes and finally decoded what he meant. He followed Meek's eyes to the pair, noticing how they were drifting apart, trying to listen in to the signals that they were sending off. 

"They've had a disagreement, Meeks." Pitt's smiled a sad smile as their two friends were going through something. It was a new feeling to not be the ones in the group going through something. Almost like their time under the limelight had finished. Meeks was selfishly relieved. 

The two continued on with the class, listening to the mundane instructions of the teacher that danced in Steven's ear as if they were magic. The two up in the corner, Neil and Todd, couldn't pay attention. No matter how much they pretended to, in order to ignore the other, they just couldn't concentrate on anything apart from their upset other half. Every time they purposefully done something spiteful, it was like stabbing themselves in the heart. 

They were positioned so that Neil was on the outward seat, with Todd at the window so he could rest his head when the class started to take a toll. They had their feet facing the same way as to keep the rest of their bodies as far apart as possible. Neil had been speaking with Charlie and Todd had been speaking with Sticks. It was as if they were functioning just fine without the other. Their masks slipping ever so slightly once in a while but never enough to alarm anybody. That was until Todd dropped his pencil. 

It fell with a deafening thud, pulling the attention from both Neil and Todd as they watched the wooden object fall underneath the desk. Both alerted, they let their heads and hands drop as they reached and grabbed for the pencil. As they both leaned down, the top of their head's butted against each other, Neil managing to pull back from the impact luckily but Todd, pulled back so that his head hit against the top of the desk also. With his instincts taking control, Neil's hand ran to cover the top of his boyfriends head in an attempt to numb the pain that it had just gone through. It felt good to finally be close to one another again, even if the circumstances left Todd with an extremely sore head. 

"You o-okay? I'm sorry." Silence. He was met with silence. Todd's eyes fell from Neil's, avoiding the loving stare that he received. How badly Todd wanted to lean forward and kiss the boy was not overturned by the fact that Neil had been so stubborn the night before. It seemed idiotic to keep such a drastic grudge over something that only impacted him indirectly, but messing in love was a big deal to Todd. He could only imagine if someone had done that with Neil and him. If they had prevented them from being together. It wasn't something he liked thinking about. 

Retracting his hand from the smooth hair on Todd's head, Neil dropped his arm and sat sadly back in his chair. He felt defeated. What else could he do now? He had tried the silent treatment, he had been affectionate, he had given him his space. What else was he meant to do? He felt like he was trapped in a locked room without any windows. 

* * *

"Sit down!" Charlie bellowed as he lay on the grass outside. It was damp and was a dumb idea considering the temperature they were experiencing, but it seemed romantic. A lie down at lunch in the middle of the school fields to watch the clouds roll over the blue blanket of the sky. It was calming just to think about. 

"I will! I will! I just need to put my jacket down, Nuwanda!" As he did so, he lifted Charlie's side as to get him on the jacket as well, in order to save some of his clothes from the dampness. When he sat down, they were undeniably close. Closer than they had ever been. Charlie's shoulder was on top of Knox's. As well as, his leg, arm and head that now reached to balance on the taller's chest. 

Basking in the comfort of his boyfriend's embrace, Knox felt a burst of confidence in his heart. Ever since he had read the lists, he knew this was something he wanted to do. 

"So, you wanted to live in an Ice Cream van?" 

"Oh, Shh Knoxious. Of course, I did. I was a kid!" 

"Yeah, yeah. What- Uhm. What do you think about making a list together?" It was as if the world stopped. Charlie lifted his head from Knox's chest, looking him dead in the eye with a look that Knox couldn't decipher. It was as if he was questioning the words that now lay in the air. Like their meaning was undecided. 

"You mean-"

"I mean, can we come up with a bucket list together? One that we- One that we want to complete together." The look between them was nothing but pure love. Charlie's finger nervously traced little drawings on the bottom of Knox's neck, chuckling happily at the idea of it. He wanted nothing more. 

"Yes! Yeah, can we-"

"Nothing dirty!" Knox warned, Charlie's smiling dropping to an amused pout. What could he put on the list if it wasn't dirty? 

* * *

It was after all of their classes when Meeks and Pitts found themselves sitting in their dorm together, alone. It seemed that any comfort they had had before was now diffused into the all familiar awkwardness that had taken over them. Meeks sat on the floor, his feet and knees bunched up underneath a large sweater that made him look so much smaller than he already was. His hair was a mess as a result of the hard day, his glasses slipping down his nose. Pitts was on top of his bed, his hands clutched around a book as he pretended to read but his eyes forever drifting above the cover to trace over the figure of the boy on the floor. He was so close and yet so much separated them. It was almost too much to sit on the bed, with such freedom to look and stare at the other, with the knowledge that he would never have the courage to say what he really wanted to say. Last night was proof of that.

Pitts, rambling and saddened, lifted himself from his bed, placing the book on the side and letting his feet hit the floor. He felt defeated. As if he was giving up on himself. But what else was he meant to do? As he walked towards the door, grabbing his coat, he felt the small movements of the other and turned just as Meek's hand grabbed his arm. He let the smaller pull him to the floor, sitting so close to him that he almost forgot the tension that had held them apart just days before. 

Meeks opened and closed his mouth as he tried to let the words out but they clung to the roof of his throat. Here they were again, struggling to let out their emotions. It took everything Pitts had in himself to stop from reaching out and tracing something on the other's cheek to calm his stressed nerves. They weren't that close though. Not now. 

The smaller was shaking. Trembling in his own thoughts as he wondered what the best way to say it was. He pondered and rethought every experience that had to lead them to this moment, scared for the outcome that could arise from this. He finally opened his lips and arrived at the words; 

"Please, don't go before we speak about this. This is the only time we can do it." Meeks looked up at him through his glasses, his messy hair falling sweetly over his forehead. Pitts was fully aware of how long they had been dragging this on, so he just prepared himself for the rejection that Meeks was about to let spill. The other's hand was still firmly placed on his arm, pressing into him with a reassuring touch. All Pitts could bring himself to do was nod. 

"Why-" Meeks dropped his gaze, "why can't we just admit it? I mean. We feel the- the same, don't we? You- You like me back, right? I'm... I'm not just imaging this?" Pitts's heart raced, his eyes going wide and his arms tensing. He didn't know that that was what he was going to say. He let the other rant for a few seconds before interrupting in awe. 

"Are you- you don't think I like you back?" 

Meeks lifted his eyes, nodding. Had he read him wrong? Either Pitts liked him and hated himself for it or there were no emotions there to start with, Meeks wasn't sure which was worse. 

"You just seemed like you were trying to avoid me too much." 

It wasn't as shocking to Pitt's ear as he hoped. He had been awful. His actions had been awful. He couldn't go back in time and fix them but if he could, he'd have kicked and slapped a sense of reality into past-Pitts months ago. Sadly, he couldn't. 

"Meeks- Meeks, I do like you. God, I like you too much to admit it most of the time." All the smaller could do was smile. It seemed like they had spent so much time trying to get to this moment, and here they were. Finally admitting to one another. The shared gazes and chuckles between them, the sudden movement of Pitts to hug the other and apologise- it was more normal than they had been for so long. Too long. Finally, they were back to some sort of normal. 

The rest of the night was what they had both been hoping for. Meeks was cradled into Pitts side, his head resting on the taller's shoulder as they talked over everything that had happened. They had both confessed. Sure, there was no label, but Meeks was just happy they had managed this. He didn't want to push it. He just wanted one calming night under the eye and arm of Pitts, nothing was going to stop that from happening. Finally, they had gotten somewhere. Finally, Meeks had Pitts. 


	16. Chapter Sixteen; A Simple 'Sorry' Is Never Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's one thing that Neil is sure romantic literature got wrong and it's the way to apologise. Nobody wants a simple sorry. Hardly anyone wants a full parade. There must be a perfect middle ground. Neil just hasn't found it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What star signs do you think the boys are? Cos I'm sure Knox is a Libra and I'm more than sure that Charlie is either a Leo or an Aquarius...

He had watched Charlie do this many times. He had even heard of Neil and Todd doing something similar, but he had never seen the appeal. He already stayed up late to go to those damned Poet meetings, so, the thought of another sleep-deprived morning was terrifying. But, there was definitely something pulling him towards it, now that he had no more logic or science to fall back on. There were no rules to love or sexuality. Or, even, any guide to finding it all out. But, Cameron was determined to find _something_ to help. That's why he sat crisscrossed on his bed, with his eyes planted on the ethereal moon floating in the sky of tiny stars. Hoping for an answer. Praying for something to put an end to all of this. 

He was confused. In fact, he was trapped. He felt like he was in a locked room and the door to leave has disappeared. He felt like the Universe had looked at his perfect life and decided to put a surprise speed-bump in it. Why can't he just _know_? He's gotten mostly past the disappointment that would paint his parent's faces and the damage it would cause to his reputation within his family. He had come to terms with the fact he would have to actually tell people if he ever found out the unsolvable puzzle. He had even acknowledged the way he enjoyed the lingering looks he got from other boys in the changing rooms. He just couldn't whittle it down to one answer. There was always a 'but'. Always a damning factor to the solution he had conjured up after hours of research. Was he gay? Was he bi? Was he straight? Or bi-curious? 

"H-help." It was a pathetic mumble, his head tilting nervously up as if he was greeting the moon personally. This felt stupid. It made his entire body cringe. Yet, the word that left his lips felt natural and necessary. So, he continued. 

"I-" he breathed in to ease the pounding of his veins, "I need... y-your help." He started to lift his hands, instinctively doing that dumb hand thing that rich men do when they're mansplaining. An unfortunate product from his years of hiding his true personality. His true 'him'. There were many things he would be glad to change when and if he came out. This was one of them. 

"Why- Why do I feel like this?" His voice cracked. His eyes clenched shut as to stop the inevitable tearing up. His mouth slammed shut after the words left without control. It was as if he had opened a tap and all of his emotions started to pour out uncontrollably. He needed to shut off that faucet. His hand just couldn't stop it from slipping out of his grip. There was no going back now. 

He opened his eyes and looked powerfully at the moon, with an undeniable motive- resolution. He just wanted to live as normally as life would allow. He needed normality. He was Richard Cameron, he thrived in normality. With a surge of confidence, he opened his mouth and asked what he needed to ask. 

"What am I?" _No answer._ What did that mean? Neil had said that sometimes a star would glint in response to a question, and if it was a happy glint it meant a yes and if it was a pathetic one, it meant a no. Surely, that was fiction. It had to be. Because if it wasn't, then why was the moon also not sure of where Cameron sat in the line between Gay and Straight. 

He shuddered, the meaning settling in his veins. The only answer he could think of. The moon didn't think it mattered. Because, if he looked at it properly, it really didn't. Nobody actually cared, other than him. He was the only one who was pressuring himself into making this decision that really had no impact on anything. He could just tell who needed to know that he liked men and/or women. They wouldn't care if he meant something to them. Yet, it felt so wrong not to label it. 

It was an unexpected reaction but the deep shaking of his body and the eruption of tears from his eyes were muffled by the arms that moved to cover his face. he musn't wake up Nuwanda, that was his one goal. But, the more he thought of how uncomfortable he was, the louder his crying got. He needed to know for sure. he had to have an exact reason. The thought of walking around without knowing this essential part of his own being- made him feel so undiscovered. Like his own soul had blindfolded him from such an important factor of himself. As his cries grew painful, like it physically hurt, his arms dropped and were replaced by his hands, grasping and covering his mouth to silence them. He couldn't stop them. Just like he couldn't stop the way he felt. Why couldn't he just feel normal? Why did he have to have _another_ thing against him? 

"C-Cameron?" Charlie was slowly sitting up in his bed, taking in the sight of his distanced friend sobbing on the opposite bed. He felt his heart shatter. His one friend with the brick-hard armour that decorated his delicate persona was now breaking down his walls. It was a good thing, but the process was undeniably the most painful. Nuwanda stood as quietly as he could, settling carefully on the other's bed before wrapping his arms cautiously around the other. His crying showed no signs of stopping. 

"Do... Do you want to talk about-"

"N-no. Not yet." Charlie nodded. He expected not. He let the other cry and cry until the sobs deteriorated into tiny sniffles and quiet whimpers before settling the other back down to return to bed. He knew this was the beginning of a big change for Cameron. A change that would either make or break him. Going from a regulated, rule-driven life to one that relied on personal decision and knowledge, it was a change that Nuwanda wished he could spare for the other. The small sounds from the other remained in the background as Charlie sat back on his own bed and attempted to get back to sleep, trying not to overthink what he had just witnessed too much. He would keep this between them.

* * *

"Meeks." Pitt's hand lay on top of his lover/boyfriend/best friend, gently shaking the sleeping beauty but with no response, "Meeks! Get. Up." He whispered in the shorter's ear, immediately pushed away by the sudden jolt in the other, balancing himself as Meeks recovered from the auditory assault. He had a pillow of hair erupting from his tiny head, as well as a collection of drool beneath his lip. His body was sore from the uncomfortable bed, his neck aching as he realised that he had fallen asleep with two pillows and woken with one on the floor. 

"You-" he breathed in, trying to think over the strange tickle in his ear, "did you..." 

"We're late. Come on." Pitt's already awful hair was spiked up in the most unfashionable bed head, decorated fully by the bags under his eyes and the ruffled shirt that hung over his chest. Yet, beyond the utter tiredness that had befallen the other, Meeks saw nothing but the exposed collarbone and the rosy tint that stood upon the pale skin of his crush. He could only nod in response, getting up slowly and turning quickly so Pitts saw nothing. 

There was air between them because of the unspoken words of the night before. They had shared their feelings, even their wants, but neither of them had actually asked the other. Was it because they wanted the other to ask? Or, because they wanted to ask first, they were just too nervous to go ahead with it? It was too confusing. Why did everything have to be so confusing? 

He quickly got dressed, covering his eyes whenever he walked past the changing Pitts and cursing the fact that he wasn't smart enough to just grab his entire uniform every time he went to get something out of the wardrobe. It just wasn't his morning. He got ready quickly, despite the circumstances, and found that he was done minutes before Pitts, meaning that he sat on his bed with his head facing down as to not make it more awkward than it already was. 

He realised how they weren't actually late. In fact, they were quite early- for once. He didn't question it though, because it was Pitts. He was probably scheming something. Something that Meeks wanted to watch as it unfolded. Pitts always had a knack for scheming and planning such things.

Pitts pulled on his shirt, buttoning his last buttons before leaning down beside Meeks' cheek and pressing a firm kiss, causing the other to jump and look up with those shocked eyes. 

"We need to go." The taller whispered, close enough to his neck to leave goosebumps, Meek's eyes dropping in embarrassment as his cheeks were infiltrated with a flushed crimson. He let Pitts grasp his hand, pulling him gently off the bed before he guided him to the door, walking out with his lover hand in hand. If he had been more awake, Meeks would have noticed the issue with this before. The eyes of their fellow classmates drifted to their joint hands in surprise as Pitts showed him off, walking down the hallway with a sort of pride that only comes with such a long-awaited achievement. Meeks probably wouldn't have stopped this if he was more awake. He would have joined Pitts in his confidence. But there was something new and equally as lovely watching the other act like this. Like he had waited just as long as Meeks for this. 

* * *

Sitting at the breakfast table, whether you were part of Anderperry or not, was just shit. You were either watching the awkward couple battle over who could be more spiteful or who could be more obvious or being one of the ones participating in such competitions. Charlie had resorted to hiding himself behind his arm as to not see the embarrassing battle ensue. Cameron watched on with burning judgemental eyes, hoping it would cause the behaviour to cease. Knox stared solely at Charlie as to not feel the urge to indulge and look over at the other couple's obvious argument. Meeks and Pitts distracted themselves with loving looks across the table. But none of them, not even Cameron, could ignore the surprising pettiness of Todd Anderson. 

"Pass the salt." It would have been normal if it wasn't tinged with the cold, monotone voice Todd had adopted, emphasised by his rejection of Neil's offering of the shaker and instead insisting it placed on the table instead. This wasn't like Todd. This wasn't the shy, quiet Todd who had declined to talk or to recite anything at the Dead Poet's meetings. Something had happened. Confirmed by the overly defeated look that took over Neil's features. 

* * *

_Neil walked into the dorm with a sluggish walk, trailing his feet behind him as he tried to bring some energy back into his body after the awful day in classes. He felt like he had been hit by a bus. It got even worse when he realised how Todd was sitting on his bed, clasping a book of poetry like it was a shield, begging his eyes not to look up as his boyfriend entered the room._

_There's nothing worse than being in a fight with the one you love. No matter how strong you know you both are together, the impending doom that settles in your stomach is unstoppable and inevitable. It makes the back of your throat tickle, the palm of your hands sweat and clutch together, the tightening of your chest increase as if someone has tied a knot of rope around your heart. It's the most vulnerable Neil has ever felt. He would do anything to make this go back to normal._

_He sat on his own bed, kicking off his shoes and sliding onto the pillow tiredly, sighing as his shoulders finally relaxed. He had been waiting on this the entire day. Every class felt like extra pain in his back or shoulders. He was surprised he hadn't called in sick third or fourth hour. Yet, he couldn't fully relax. Above the ageing pages of the poetry pages, his boyfriend's eyes peered back at him. It was an undecipherable type of look. It had hints of pain and longing as well as a pleading for resolution, but there were no tints of surrender. Todd didn't want to talk about this, he just wanted to have an apology. Neil wanted to talk about it._

_"Speak to me." Silence._

_"Speak to me, Todd." Silence._

_"This won't end if we don't speak." Bad choice of words, in hindsight. Todd's face twisted in pain as the word 'end' danced around his mind like it owned the place. He was overthinking this. As always. But he couldn't stop it._

_"Please-" Neil begged, his body turning to look at Todd over the pages, meeting his eyes with a fierce stare. Sure, he wanted this all to stop. The fighting, the coldness, the bickering. He wanted Neil back. He wanted to talk about how dumb this was and how they were fighting over something that had seemingly resolved itself. It was a pathetic battle between them. But, Todd didn't know why he couldn't bring himself to say sorry. He wanted- he needed Neil to admit that he shouldn't have blindly interfered and apologised for being so stubborn. Todd knew his intentions were good, the outcome almost wasn't though. It was all very blown out of proportion. It was almost like they were arguing over this so passionately as to not let other things spill out and taint their relationship._

_"I-"_

_"Will you apologise?" Todd didn't mean to say it like that. Fuck, it didn't mean to sound so cold. So unfeeling. Like he was begging to cause trouble. What was he doing? Why was he acting like this?_

_"I- I don't know what I've done wrong." Todd scoffed._

_That was all they said for the rest of the night. It wasn't like them. The type of uncharacteristic ways they had behaved playing tricks on the other and planting unkillable seeds in the other's mind. This was a dumb, dangerous game to be playing. Over someone else's relationship? Were they this stupid? It was seeming that way._

* * *

Neil waited outside of the senior toilets after breakfast, looking desperately for Knox. In a sea of other teen boys, the brunette was hard to find. Same height, same hair colour, same clothes. He fit right in. Or, he would have, if it weren't for his hyper boyfriend attached to his hip. That was the one thing that made Knox's presence known. 

Perry walked up to the pair, grabbing Knox by the arm before pulling him away from the shorter. It was protested loudly by Nuwanda, shouting over for Neil to leave his boyfriend alone, but the yells were ignored. Knox, pliant as ever, followed Neil like a puppy into a stall at the back of the toilets, locking the door for extra precaution. A confused look took over the other's face before Neil opened his mouth to explain.

"I- I don't know... How do I apologise to Todd? I've tried so many things, he just ignores me or snaps? What am I meant to do, Knox? I love him but every time I try and tell him, it gets worse. The issue isn't even that serious. It's just... It's just..." His words were lost in the back of his throat as he questioned the sentence he was about to let leave his mouth. Sure, it was a childish argument, but he didn't have to say it. It obviously meant something to Todd. He shouldn't say that to Knox. 

They sat in the cubicle, going over their options as to what Neil could do that would persuade Todd to open up to him. He needed to get his boyfriend to talk. Even if it was something bad. He just needed him to talk to him. 

* * *

He felt awful. Why couldn't he just react normally? Or, speak to Neil normally? Why did he have to be such... such a _dick_? It was like he was morphing into his brother, with this sudden outburst of toxicity. Whatever it was, it was inexcusable. He had been a shit boyfriend. He had been a shit person. He would have to pay for that. 

Todd had pulled Charlie aside as they walked to the class, whispering in a hushed voice as he and Nuwanda considered all of his options. He could just apologise? He could just speak to him? He just felt like there was a barrier between that and the reality of the situation. Charlie had picked up on this. Todd wasn't hard to read. 

"What else is going on?"

He had lied. Todd did know what was wrong. At least, he knew what was wrong on his side of the argument. The news of his brother. The words of his mother. The pride that tainted her sentences, dripping on him like burning hot oil as they taunted his lack of achievement. It was no reason to snap at Neil. They had just fallen out at the wrong time. He couldn't apologise more for that. 

"Home stuff, Charlie, that's all." 


End file.
